I called a break, now he doesn’t want me back - help

honestly,, this relationship seemed like it lacked the communication. both of u guys needed to work things out TOGETHER,, but for now i think u should just focus on yourself. block him on everything and work to be a better version of yourself. take this as something to learn from and realize that things will get better. imo the break up seemed kind of toxic in some sort of aspect but it's good to be aware of what happened. but please, as someone who's been in an on and off situation like your ex, please do not come back. it's so damaging and draining to both people in the relationship and it gets so tiring and toxic. please focus on yourself until you're fully healed and happy. at this point it's best to move on and leave things in the past. as much as u want him back, it won't be healthy when things like this become a bad habit between u guys. i recommend that u try to cut him off completely and block him. it's hard but it isn't impossible.

@communicativeShade9682. you need to just focus on your self it seems there is commuication issues during the relationship i guess at this point only time will tell what will happen Good luck.

@communicativeShade9682

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Because we lived together and this was his first serious relationship (I had two very toxic relationships before this) (This is a good indication you are attracting guys who are toxic or ones who are quite inconsistent) I felt like he didn’t really make much effort for us to do things together outside of the house, (This can get quite boring after awhile, it takes the excitement out of the relationship when every plan was just inside the house)and eventually even though I encouraged him he would spend less time with his friends and more time with me so we would never really get our own space. (I have noticed that women something need their own space to miss a man, and they will get turn off when the man puts all of the attention on her while not spending time with friends) He adored me though more than anyone I had been with, but sometimes I felt like I could be a bit cold or off towards him and we started having sex less often (I just wasn’t feeling it) (I feel like you have been losing attraction and desire for him, so intimacy began happening less and less) but he stuck by me and would never tell me anything was wrong or he was unhappy. (This is a recipe for for disaster right here. I think he was surpressing how he felt)

In October after feeling unhappy with the relationship for a while, I called a break with him, and told him we needed some time and space apart from each other, (This feels like a quick band-aid because this was the perfect time to end the relationship. He got very complacent, and stopped putting the effort he did during the beginning) as I told him I felt like I needed to miss him, (I understand where you are coming from. It's hard to miss and value someone when we see them everyday) he did everything for me (This is one of the reasons you felt smothered) but I needed my own independence again, and because I didn’t think it was fair on him that I was becoming less affectionate with him. (I think you being affectionate depends on various things. For example,The way he stopped putting the same effort as before will make you feel less attracted, and many other examples) He was obviously devastated and was so upset, but he accepted what I needed and went to stay at his mums house. While we were apart we spoke every day, (So you ask for space, but you still talked with him...) we told each other all the time that we missed each other and loved each other (him more than me) (This is one of the reasons you wanted space. The interests levels were different, so one side will feel smothered/trapped ( you), and the other person will try hard to close the distance (Him). Him being more into you than you into him will cause you to back away, be less affectionate and other things) and we saw each other a couple of times, but I told him I loved him but wasn’t sure whether I was in love with him anymore. (This was quite normal, his behavior, wordsand actions made you feel uncertain about how you felt) At the time I felt like I was doing this for us, but now looking back I may have come across quite cold with him, because sometimes he would give me space and sometimes he wouldn’t. (I don't think you came off as cold, this was actually normal behavior because his actions, words and behavior made you feel uncertain and smothered. The way he didn't give you space at times will often kill the attraction you feel for him, and then it'll cause you to back away) But it’s obviously because he was so upset and constantly told me he wanted to come home and loved me and missed me and was devastated. (His losing emotional self control, make it all about him, and this will continue to make you feel uncertain) After about 5 weeks I told him we needed to meet up and speak about things that needed to change if we got back together, (You did great here) like us doing more things together snd spending quality time over quantity, (I love the way you said this because this part of your needs and wants in the relationship) and he agreed to make more effort. We had had conversations about this before though, (This explains why you were like "I need space" and didn't feel like being intimate with him. You tried talking things with him, he didn't made the effort, so it made you feel like he didn't care.) and he said he would change before, (Breaking his promises, this will probably cause you to feel unsafe and that you can't trust his words. This is another reason why you called for space, you didn't feel connected) but I did say to him I don’t want things to go back to how they were again. (It's good you told him this) )

After our night together I wanted to ask him to come home fully the day later (I really think he should had been on probation right here by starting things from the beginning, and making him earn living together again. If not, then he will do this again) but later in that day I got a text saying he was worried he would mess up again, (This is a sign of insecurity, but he's telling you what's going to happen. If someone tells you who they are, believe them) so instantly I felt uneasy that he wasnt serious about it, when I felt like I had had that reassurance the night before, (He totally went from "Okay ill make the effort" to "I don't know if i can make the effort". Im noticing inconsistent behavior from him) he was now even doubting himself? We ended up getting into a row which he apologised for he just said he was explaining how he felt. After this we ended up getting into more arguments, (Anxiety is the main reason for arguments and breakups) when before this we never ever used to argue, but I felt like he wasn’t trying to reassure me or try as hard with me as I would of liked, and he wasn’t very good at explaining his feelings to me anyway. (I believe he probably went through a childhood were he had to surpress his feelings, so this often causes the person to not understand what's going inside of them.) After the argument my friend called him (Your friend was intrusive here, he/she shouldn't get involve like this) and said that he needed to try harder with me, to which he did he said he would book somewhere for us to go for a meal after we had been for a walk to sort things with him. I agreed to go and things were fine for a couple of days, but when we went for our walk, he hadn’t booked anywhere, and by then I was done listening to his excuses as to why he didn’t try, (His words does not match his actions. At this point he can't be trusted) and felt like if I didn’t push him to do something he wouldn’t do it at all, (Why? I suspect you either saw this between your parents or it's a behavior you used to get something growing up, so now you can see how things from the past are playing in the current relationship) so we got into another row, and I went home while he tried calling me all night to come round and fix things, (He only uses the words "trying to fix things" when he's overwhelmed with emotions, but after that it is where he will stop trying) but I told him I was that angry I didn’t want to speak to him.

He didn’t speak to me for a few days and then called me saying he was sorry he had been in work a(He felt separation anxiety from not hearing from you, and then he reached out with an excuse) nd that’s why he hadn’t called, I felt like again another sorry excuse. (It was definetly an excuse) I told him it wasn’t good enough and hung up the phone. (This was very immature of you to do. You had an expectation and fantasy of how he should do things, and when he didn't it made you hung up on him) After I got off the phone I cried my eyes out as all I wanted to do was see him but I felt like he wasn’t even caring as much as he used to. (I understand how much it hurt, especially going through inconsistent behavior. A person might be near perfect during the honeymoon phase or the first month, soon as they feel comfortable and closeness it is where you will see if they are a good partner) I then didn’t hear off him again for a few days, so I messaged him as I was so angry and annoyed he hadn’t bothered, (No, you felt the separation of not hearing him and felt like he was not doing what you wanted after hunging up the phone) I told him if he didn’t come and sort things out with me that night and resolve it then we would have to call it a day now. (This is an ultimatum, and your way of forcing him to do what you want) He agreed at first, and said he would be home when he finished work. Then later on he tried to ask if he could come the next day, if he was serious about sorting it out why wouldn’t he come that day? Another excuse I felt like why was this happening! (He thought it might be a good idea at first, but then changed his mind soon as it was close to the time. People like this are a waste of your time because you don't really know how they will behave, they are all over the place) So I told him again if you don’t come tonight then this is done, (You felt anxious and like you were going to be abandoned, so you tried to force your way) to which he said well I’m not coming. (Im sorry to say this, but I would have responded the same way if someone gives me an ultimatum) So he was done? (Yes, it just feel like you were trying to force him to do this on order to soothe your anxiety) I was in shock, I did not expect this from the person who was besotted by me. I know it probably sounds like I said things to make him care, but I felt like sometimes that’s what I had to do instead of talking him into doing things, that I felt like he was only doing because I told him too. (I really want you to think about your family history, and if this is a behavior you saw. I understand it's hurtful how he behave, but this is not the way to do things. I think you gave him far too many chances, and it made him take you for granted) I called him and cried why he was being this way with me? (Sorry to hear you felt this way, it's very painful to go through his inconsistent behavior. Trying to keep forcing or make him do what you want will not work, and it's what happened here) He said he was sorry but his head was so battered so I asked him to come and he agreed. (You ignored the fact he has been inconsistent and not putting any effort into fixing things)

When he came he broke down in tears and told me he was depressed, (Yeah sureeeeee, another excuse of him) and I asked to look at his phone because I felt so paranoid (I’ve never felt like that before in our relationship) (This will definetly cause him to feel trapped and smothered. I understand he lied to you in the past, but it's inappropiate to ask someone this) and he let me look, there was nothing on there but his friend started phoning him and he started asking for his phone back. I asked him what did he have to hide and he told me nothing, don’t get me wrong he had told little white lies (You are minimizing the situation by saying "little" white lies. The fact he lied during the beginning, its a strong indication he will do over and over again) before in our relationship but nothing about who he had been with that I know of. Eventually I got it out of him that he had been with his friends not in work, and when I asked him why he had lied to me he told me he thought it wasn’t relevant. We argued most of the night and then he went home after we both cried to each other. I asked whether he could come back as I felt so lost to what was going on with us, he said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore but he would come back the next day. (During the beginning, he was the one coming on very strong, so you felt trapped. At this time you fear being alone and his inconsistency is triggering past trauma, so you will feel all kinds of emotions. I don't think this is a relationship you should try to save or even keep) I was heartbroken, I didn’t know where this had come from or why this was happening, if anything I thought he would never walk out on me.

The day later we met up, I tried to get out of my mood but I was so upset I cried the whole time we were together, I just said I don’t understand why your not sure anymore, (I think that the ultimatums, your friend talking with him, and the anxiety you felt caused him to feel unsure. Remember behavior is what will cause attraction, so if you give ultimatum and trying to make put an effort then he will feel trapped, and then we will want to stay away) and he just said he didn’t understand either but he didn’t know why he felt that way, we cuddled in bed but afterwards we got into an argument again because we started arguing about it being someone else as I just over thought things and the way he was being more and more because of the lie the night before, and after that I went into panic mode. (I understand how tough this can be because I have experience the panic mode you mention. I think you have a hard time soothing your separation anxiety, so when he lied it triggered one of your past trauma, and then you associate him as someone you can't trust) We spoke for a couple of days afterwards and he said he wanted to come home, (This is in his fantasy stage. but soon as it feels real its where he will change his mind) but because I felt like he was being so up and down, I didn’t know where I stood and it drove me crazy, (You experienced inconsistent behavior with your parents, familiy members and perhaps friends, so your anxiety will become very high because of how painful it was back then to handle anxiety. You are attracted to inconsistent behavior, and the way you keep wanting to fix things is an unconcious way to solve what happened in your past).

With Christmas coming up I was worried about spending it on my own. (The fear of being alone for feels horrible because you experienced this growing up, so now this fear is something tough for you to soothe on your own) I went from feeling so independent to feeling so lonely and missing him so much, but heartbroken he seemed not to care anymore. (I get the impression someone in your family showed you indifference, so this will often make you feel hurt, and a lot of emotions that come with it) I felt like i was loosing everything because of his decision, and it broke me inside, how could this once so considerate person act like I don’t even matter or exist anymore? (Its quite understandable you would ask this question, especially when he was a different person in the beginning. During the honeymoon, we are basically drugged by a lot of chemicals, so we put all of this huge effort to get this person. Every person can handle a certain level of closeness, the moment they feel more closeness than they can handle it is where things will change. The more trauma they went will also play apart in how they connect and attach to others)

After this we didn’t speak to a few days, until I saw something on social media that gave me the impression he was speaking to someone he worked with. (I believe you perceived a threat of being abandoned, and felt a lot of anxiety) While overthinking and putting the pieces together in my head, I assumed there was something going on so I messaged the girl I thought was involved, a polite message, asking for some clarity whether there was something going on, as I felt I couldn’t get the truth from him, and I have a lot of trust issues from other people in previous relationships. (I would like to point out that the trust issues come from your first connections which are your caregivers. I get it was tough to soothe your anxiety and needed some validation, but doing this will cause things to go side way. What if he was the one doing this, how you would have felt?) )

Obviously I regret my actions now, but felt like I needed answers for the closure and I couldn’t seem to get it from anyone or get the closure I needed about why he fully didn’t want to be with me. (I don't think was done to get some kind of closure. I think you felt anxious, fear of abandonment and you were looking to soothe your anxiety in all of this. I believe that what you did just shows the amount of trauma you experienced in the past. I could only imagine how you felt throughout all of this) Also when he told me we were over, I felt so lonely and needy I started to speaking to someone else, to distract me, and my ex was unaware of this, but in the heat of the argument I through it back at him when we argued over the email thing, (I think this was probably to cause him hurt in some kind of way?) as I felt like he thought I wanted him back and I wanted to be clear I didn’t, even if this is how I felt. (How do you know this what he wanted at the time?) This also was a massive mistake as he said he wasn’t paying for it anymore because of me and my new guy to be here, when I had never brought him to the house out of respect. (I think that you felt hurt, and he also felt hurt. You are both triggering each other at this time)

I then started to reflect on my actions, I felt I had caused this mess and realised I had messed up. I called him and cried my eyes out, told him I was a broken person, asked him to meet me which he refused, told him and apologised for why I had done what I had done and that my head hadn’t been right as to why I had done what I had done. (Anxiety can be tough to calm and manage. The amount of fear of abandonment and anxiety you felt was very high, it made you become hyper-vigilant to perceiving threat, distorting reality, and then seeking to soothe your anxiety. I'm really sorry you had to go through this alone, it must had been very rough to experience all of this at once) He told me to get professional help (That was rude of him to say) but I knew already that’s what I needed because I had been so upset and depressed, and had lost so much weight so drastically over the past month or so. (I can completly relate to how you feel right here. I can tell you have been feeling anxiety 24/7 to the point your thought were mostly about him, and then it really surpressed your apettite and other things) He told me that he had already convinced himself that we weren’t getting back together over the first 2 months, and He then told me he hopes that my new boy makes me happy, which hurt because I wanted him to make me happy. (I don't think he can make you happy, unless you come from a place where you are happy and fufilled) I then realised I needed to change my approach to everything as I was just making things worse all around. I first broken things off with the new boy, I know I was using him as a distraction, and that wasn’t fair to him or me. He was really nice and understanding with what I was going through but i knew I needed to work on myself first. (Im proud of you for doing this, it really shows you regret what happened) I relied on my ex for so much stuff even like basic cooking and cleaning, that I no longer could even get out of bed, let alone start a new relationship, when it was clear anyway I still had feelings for my ex. I then vowed to never log on to anything again of his or get involved in anything in his life. (Im glad you decided to do this, it will make it harder to move forward if you keep checking out his profile and things) I knew that was wrong and I knew it had made things worse. I started feeling more and more depressed thinking who have I become? Who am I? What will people think of me for these actions? (I understand what you are saying, but the good thing is you are taking responsability for what you did. Anxiety can make people do these kind of things, so it's very important to work on healing from the past trauma)

A couple of days later he text me again, asking about whether I’d spoken to the landlord, about the rent, (He was not coungruent with his word. He went on a rant about not paying your rent and how you two will not get back together blah blah. He reaches out when he feels lonely or anxious, while ignoring the things he told you last time) I told him he knew I couldn’t afford to pay it anymore. So he offered to pay some towards it, (Again being congruent with his words...) I wonder what had made him have a change of heart. I accepted obviously and that was the last time we spoke. It has been almost a week now since we spoke, and while I know it’s just about the house I get my hopes up every time he speaks to me. I’m so hurt by how things have turned out, I struggle to get it off my mind half the time, I keep blaming myself for this and feel like I should be doing more things to try and fix my mistakes, or whether I just need to focus on myself and forget about him. (I firmly believe it would be a bad idea to continue this relationship, or even have a friendship. You are both not on the right place emotionally to keep this relationship going on.) I go back and forth in my head all the time. I still miss him so much and feel so upset that a future with him is not a possibility anymore, (It's a bad idea considering any future with him. It's important to have a partner whos;s consistent, and willing to put the effort. I don't think things will get better) I feel like I’m loosing everything we worked so hard (All i saw was you making all the effort, while he didn't invest anything) . I wish we could go back to how we were, I blame myself all the time that if I never called this break the worst wouldn’t be happening to me now, (it's normal you call for a break, although i still think it should have been a breakup. I understand you made a lot of mistakes on this relationship, but he also did a lot of mistakes as well. I think that right now you two are not ready to be together or even be a relationship) I feel like I took for granted how he was with me, (No he took you for granted) and now I’ve lost it. I’d do anything for us to start a fresh and go back to how things wear but I know it must take two people to want to work on a relationship, (Yes, it can't be just you wanting to work things out) but I cant help but worry I’ve shown him the relationship wasn’t that great in the first place, (Im sorry to say, but this relationship was just unhealthy for both of you. You two will trigger each other constantly, and it will only end up in suffering. You are 26, and getting close to your 30's, don't waste your time on a guy like him...nothing good will come of it) and I’m worried I’m going to blame myself for this forever. Or I have lost someone who really did care about me, (His words and action told me he didn't care or wanted to put any effort.) that I won’t be able to get back. (Lets say you two get back together right now, get married a year later and then have children. Life will not go well having a future or family with him. Love is not about inconsistency and drama. The relationship you have/had with him will only trigger you, and then you will suffer a lot. You deserve better, don't settle for someone who simply is an awful option to be with)