convivialCake5225 Member Profile

...See more Hello everyone! This is my first post ever, I mean anywhere. I want to share how I feel all day every day. Hopefully after letting it all out, these feelings will finally leave me. I'm not sure how else to describe it but the closest I can get is to describe myself as wearing a mask. It is a very confident, charismatic, friendly and helpful mask. The mask is what everyone around me sees and speaks to. I sit in what seems to be some kind of cockpit watching what the mask experiences. As situations arise, without thought or control, I morph into the mask and speak on its behalf. For instance, being asked to make a toast at dinner. The mask will take his glass as he stands up and as it starts to speak, I find it is actually me speaking. I did a little research and found that this may be what is called "disassociation", which is common with depression and anxiety. So I decided to go to a therapist to find out more about it. My first session was very difficult for me because I normally do not share these feelings with anyone. We focused a lot on anxiety and CBT techniques the first few sessions and then I put the mask on. I had two more sessions before the therapist stated that the CBT seemed to be helping and wanted to cut down on the amount of sessions. Needless to say, that was my last session. I then tried to speak to a couple of friends about it a few times but their reactions made the mask come back on. The topic quickly turned into joking and the subject was never spoken of again. It's been several years since I have even tried to have the discussion but just last week my wife mentioned she was suffering from depression due to menopause. As we discussed her options and how I will support her in any way possible, it came to me to bring up the subject of how I feel. So a couple of days later, I did my best to describe how I feel and how the mask makes it difficult for people to listen or see the pain behind it. (I'm 6'3", 270lbs and the guy that everyone calls when they need help with anything) I told her that no one wants to see me without the mask and if they say they do, they quickly change the subject shortly after I start. Wouldn't you know it, it happened again. A thirty second conversation and then the mask was back in its rightful place. I am starting to believe that mask I put on is so thick, that when it's pulled back people do not like what they see. Has the mask taken my identity? Am I not supposed to be able to share my feelings? Does sharing them ruin other's perception of what I am supposed to be? Has the mask grown so thick that my pain is not visible to anyone? Except for those short moments when I morph into the mask; I ponder these questions all day, ever day. Worse thing is, this embarrasses me. Im embarrassed that I feel this way. There are so many people with real problems. I have a good life, Im active, healthy and a have great family. Im embarrassed because I am not the mask. Im not who people see. Im actually terrified about posting this. I dont want anyone to be offended. I dont want them to feel sorry for me. I dont want anyone to think I am taking anything for granted. I dont want to be looked down upon. I dont want anyone to think I have a disorder. I dont want to be judged. I just want to know after this is read; how thick is my mask?

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