How thick is my mask?
Hello everyone! This is my first post ever, I mean anywhere. I want to share how I feel all day every day. Hopefully after letting it all out, these feelings will finally leave me. I'm not sure how else to describe it but the closest I can get is to describe myself as wearing a mask. It is a very confident, charismatic, friendly and helpful mask. The mask is what everyone around me sees and speaks to. I sit in what seems to be some kind of cockpit watching what the mask experiences. As situations arise, without thought or control, I morph into the mask and speak on its behalf. For instance, being asked to make a toast at dinner. The mask will take his glass as he stands up and as it starts to speak, I find it is actually me speaking.
I did a little research and found that this may be what is called "disassociation", which is common with depression and anxiety. So I decided to go to a therapist to find out more about it. My first session was very difficult for me because I normally do not share these feelings with anyone. We focused a lot on anxiety and CBT techniques the first few sessions and then I put the mask on. I had two more sessions before the therapist stated that the CBT seemed to be helping and wanted to cut down on the amount of sessions. Needless to say, that was my last session. I then tried to speak to a couple of friends about it a few times but their reactions made the mask come back on. The topic quickly turned into joking and the subject was never spoken of again.
It's been several years since I have even tried to have the discussion but just last week my wife mentioned she was suffering from depression due to menopause. As we discussed her options and how I will support her in any way possible, it came to me to bring up the subject of how I feel. So a couple of days later, I did my best to describe how I feel and how the mask makes it difficult for people to listen or see the pain behind it. (I'm 6'3", 270lbs and the guy that everyone calls when they need help with anything) I told her that no one wants to see me without the mask and if they say they do, they quickly change the subject shortly after I start. Wouldn't you know it, it happened again. A thirty second conversation and then the mask was back in its rightful place.
I am starting to believe that mask I put on is so thick, that when it's pulled back people do not like what they see. Has the mask taken my identity? Am I not supposed to be able to share my feelings? Does sharing them ruin other's perception of what I am supposed to be? Has the mask grown so thick that my pain is not visible to anyone? Except for those short moments when I morph into the mask; I ponder these questions all day, ever day. Worse thing is, this embarrasses me. Im embarrassed that I feel this way. There are so many people with real problems. I have a good life, Im active, healthy and a have great family. Im embarrassed because I am not the mask. Im not who people see.
Im actually terrified about posting this. I dont want anyone to be offended. I dont want them to feel sorry for me. I dont want anyone to think I am taking anything for granted. I dont want to be looked down upon. I dont want anyone to think I have a disorder. I dont want to be judged. I just want to know after this is read; how thick is my mask?
You see
@convivialCake5225
I understand. I too have a mask. I can relate to this a bunch. Thank you for posting this .
Well, I would say the unfortunate reality is that some therapists are not very good at what they do, and simple CBT techniques are about all they can manage. But therapists certainly do exist who have the skills to go beyond that, to gain a meaningful understanding of your mask and how it affects your relationship to other people. The type of therapy—CBT or something else—doesn't really matter for this purpose. It's a matter of finding a therapist whose work goes beyond techniques. I would be very hopeful that you can integrate the person you really are and the person other people see, once you find a therapist who genuinely gets it.
If you'd ever like to chat about this, feel free to message me.
@convivialCake5225
Hey there! So, to start, in my own way, I can definitely relate. There are very few people whom I've felt I can be genuine with. W/ the rest, I wear a mask too. In my case, I do it b/c if they judge me, they're judging the mask, not who I truly am. It's supposed to make me feel better about everything, but it bothers me b/c like you, I do wish I could be liked for me.
My mask is very people pleasing, sunshine and rainbows. A lot of ppl actually tend to find my persona annoying b/c I always seem happy, so I'd prefer if I could be honest... I just don't know how anymore lol
How thick is your mask? Honestly, I don't know. There's an obvious distinction b/w how you view yourself and how you want the world to view you and it seems like those two perceptions are worlds apart. Like you have deeper thoughts and feelings than you put on and you've attracted a crowd that's uncomfortable with that type of honesty... That's probably not b/c they're judging you persay; I'd say it's b/c they're going through similar pains, but it's just socially acceptable to hide it. & with you being a man, unfortunately, there's a sexist stigma around that perpetuates that men shouldn't show pain, shouldn't feel and express their emotions b/c that "shows weakness."
This couldn't be further from the truth. Honestly, for anyone to be in touch with their emotions, I consider that a major strength! Trust me, I've been pushing my feelings down for so long, I literally have to relearn how to feel. I'm not sure if you've grown up in a home that made you feel like you couldn't express yourself, but we are here for you. We have great listeners here, psychs who are ready and willing to help, and hey, in truth, maybe it'll be easier to talk to someone behind the computer screen. You'll be able to pour yourself out w/o seeing facial reactions or feeling insecure about your honesty. This is your truth. Please, please invite it, share it, revel in it! This is where you find yourself again. Join a "Community," in the upper left corner and write in the forums. I'm glad you're here.
@convivialCake5225
Hi, welcome. I also have a mask. I can understand you. I
do people change the subject because they are uncomfortable talking about feelings? i have a therapist with 7cups for a month and i think im always afraid if what you said - that i will sound all better and shell say we are done. but i know when people start talking about basically anything serious- i get extremely uncomfortable. i dont know what to say even tho i am relieved to hear that other people have issues. i admire those people who can say out loud what they feel. esp if they are a grown man. i have so much respect for that
