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courageousDay1605
174 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2023 Member sinceOctober 23, 2023
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Burned a bridge with a friend.
Relationship Stress / by courageousDay1605
Last post
 October 24th, 2023
...See more I have had a professional relationship with a person and have spent 100 hours with them over 2 years, chatting one on 1 for an hour each week. I pay them to tutor me in German. I am married and have always kept it above board and professional. I have always been attracted to them, and never has it been a problem. It's been more than enjoyable. I would fantasize about them here and there, as I do Taylor Swift. Neither of which is anything more than a fantasy.  Lately, I have been working 60-70 hours a week, not sleeping well, not working out (broken foot), drinking too much, and generally in a high-stress situation due to a project I am working on.  The problem occurred when I started having obsessive and compulsive thoughts about my tutor. My mind was racing, I couldn't stop thinking of them; I was crying all week when I was alone and was scared of how awful I felt and how out of control my thoughts were. I was so upset by these thoughts that I canceled all lessons abruptly and told them I had to quit for personal reasons. I also told them to keep the money for the classes, as it made me feel less guilty. I was very, very upset about having to do this. I put them out of my mind, and a few days later, they messaged me to confirm that I was not coming to the lesson. It brought me all kinds of anxiety, and messaged back that I was sorry I was not coming I had a personal situation.  Later on, that night I was drunk and sent them an email telling them that I had a crush on them and couldn't stop thinking about them, and as such I needed to take a break from lessons and work on my marriage. Some of the details I added were a lie, I told them my wife was jealous that I was talking to such a beautiful woman, and she overheard me saying to my brother that I was in love with the tutor. I did it to poison the well, and burned a bridge I should have avoided. I feel like *** and a coward. It worked, and they sent me an email in return telling me, "I hope we to never each other again". I am sad from every angle and have no one else but myself for reacting in such a way. I still think about them every other thought, but it is anxiety. Just anxiety.
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