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crimsonGlobe1973
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PathStep 11 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 13, 2018
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Just trying to chase a dream of a better life

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Been debating about posting....but here it goes.......**sigh**
Relationship Stress / by crimsonGlobe1973
Last post
 February 14th, 2018
...See more Sorry for the lengthy post. I've sat here for 2 hours debating whether or not to post, but I'm going to type out my thoughts and situation, see if I'm being irrational and making things up in my head....or see if there's someone out there that can understand what I'm saying and maybe help me understand the thought process. Three years ago, I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. I was still married at the time, but the marriage was over and had been over for years before. I can remember talking to my then-best-friend 5-6 years ago about how I just wanted to end the marriage. I finally did. Been divorced for 2 years. Toward the end, the divorce got nasty. If you need to know more about the divorce just ask, and I'll answer any questions you may have. Anyhooooo...I moved in with Mr. HS (Mr. High School) a year ago. I literally left everything I had, left a job of 5 years, left friends to start a new life....one that seemed so promising. The way Mr. HS and I reconnected after so many years was amazing... like we had never left each other's sides since high school. Life was enjoyable again. We rented a house and for the first 7-8 months, everything was fine. I found a new (and better) job, he was employed. Things were just moving along. I should mention, in case this is one of the underlying issues that I'm just not seeing.... that I don't have any kids. I wanted kids, but could never convince the Ex to have kids. Hate that I even have to use the word CONVINCE but that's what I was trying to do. Until about 2010. THEN he wanted to have a child, and when it didn't happen, I went to the dr and found out I had high-end stage 2 Uterine Cancer and had to have a complete hysterectomy. Mr. HS has a total of 8 kids...not all of them with us. Only the two boys (18 and 17) live with us. His daughter (21) lives here in town and has 2 children of her own (2 and 5m). His other children live back up north with their mother. His two youngest daughters (11 and 12) come for the summer. It was a big adjustment to go from zero kids to two teenagers living with me. We've had a few issues with respect toward me but both seem fine now. They know they can come to me for things they need cause I'm easier YES then dad is. Which may be causing issues too. I do not know. So, fast forward a year and I find myself completely frazzled. Part of the problem is the passion is gone...from him. He (literally) swept me off my feet the first time I was with him and now the second time. I know the old saying "The Honey Moon is Over" and I totally get that philosophy. But if it wasn't for the hug and kiss goodbye in the morning on the way out the door or the kiss goodnight.... there's no physical interaction at all! I'll be honest...I think he has the sexiest hands....they're big and completely engulf my little hands when we're holding hands. And I LONG for those hands to touch me. But they don't. I'm about crying just typing this!! I've mentioned to him a few weeks ago that hey....you know... it's "Been Awhile" and I get a response about how many hours he's worked, and how tired he is. I told him on Sunday that even though I told him I'm very low maintenance.....I do require SOME maintenance once in a while to which he giggled and hasn't touched me yet. I not only love him.... but I'm IN LOVE with him. But when I try to talk to him about things that are on my mind...I kind of get the brush off. That I'm... "Over Thinking" and "Have too much time to think things up". It hurts. I know these are real feelings because these are real tears dripping down my cheek. We have 4 dogs, and one of them is an OLD stray...11-12 years old, that we took in. When he has to go outside during the night, he scratches on the bedroom door. I can also hear their claws on the hardwood floors as their walking during the night. This causes me to wake up, let the dogs out, let them back in then go back to bed. This is usually around 4-5 in the morning. And even though there are FOUR of us in the house...I tend to be the only one that can hear this racket, and therefore the only one that will wake up and let the dogs out. Mr. HS said that this is ridiculous, that I need to wear ear-plugs, and that I can't 'tune it out' because I've never had kids running around. He's told me that a few time and it's almost like a dig at me for not ever having kids. I just don't know what to make of it. He's able to push thoughts to the back of his mind, whereas my thoughts are front and center. I like to think that I'm a strong person, can deal with just about anything, put a smile on my face and push through. But he gives me the impression that he doesn't care. That he's not attracted to me any longer. I can still feel the love from him (most of the time) but even a smack on the butt would be nice once in a while. He used to do it. Not anymore. He used to come up behind me while I was doing dishes and hug me from behind, and kiss my neck. Not anymore. I miss that. I want that back and I'm not sure how to do it. I'm I being irrational?? Is there something here that I'm not understanding?? I'm hoping a man can chime in on this and give me SOMETHING to work with as far as how the male-brain operates! I don't want to keep hounding him about being intimate cause I'm afraid that WILL push him away and make me less attractive to him. Who can help me here? My mind goes in a million directions every day. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Partly because of the dogs scratching at night... but also because I'm emotional drained!! I don't have any friends here in town now....my family is 10 hours away...and I'm not that close to my new co-workers. Some insight....please......
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