crimsonLime7569 Member Profile

...See more Hi, everyone. I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've been openly considering the idea that I might be trans (ftm) for a couple of years, now. Last year, I had a conversation with my significant other about it, and he made it clear that he can't be in a relationship with me if I am, and asked me to kindly figure it out. A year on, and I'm getting more confused by the day. I don't think that I can gain the mental clarity to figure this out while remaining in this relationship, but at the same time, if I leave to gain that mental clarity and it turns out that I'm wrong, I've ended a long term relationship for no reason. On the one hand, I've altered my presentation to be more masculine, and I feel much more comfortable with myself. I feel happy when people at work call me "sir," things like that. I make a conscious effort to lower my voice, and I've even picked out a hypothetical name. Recently, I got patted down by a male TSA agent, and it was the happiest I've ever been going through airport security. I worry that I'm misleading my SO, and lying to myself, if I stay. On the other hand, my SO tells me that he "can't see it," and I figure the perspective of someone who knows me so well shouldn't be taken lightly. Additionally, I tell myself that I can't really know what it's like to be a man, so how can I want to be one? Of course, I recognize the internalized transphobia in that statement. And I don't think that way about trans people in general; that reasoning seems to apply only to myself. Still, it's what I tell myself, and it's what I told him, and I thought that would be the end of it. But I can't seem to shake the nagging feeling of unresolved cognitive dissonance. If anyone here has been through something similar, or has any words of advice, I'd really love to hear from you. Thanks.

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