In Need of Advice
Hi, everyone. I've got a bit of a dilemma.
I've been openly considering the idea that I might be trans (ftm) for a couple of years, now. Last year, I had a conversation with my significant other about it, and he made it clear that he can't be in a relationship with me if I am, and asked me to kindly figure it out. A year on, and I'm getting more confused by the day. I don't think that I can gain the mental clarity to figure this out while remaining in this relationship, but at the same time, if I leave to gain that mental clarity and it turns out that I'm wrong, I've ended a long term relationship for no reason.
On the one hand, I've altered my presentation to be more masculine, and I feel much more comfortable with myself. I feel happy when people at work call me "sir," things like that. I make a conscious effort to lower my voice, and I've even picked out a hypothetical name. Recently, I got patted down by a male TSA agent, and it was the happiest I've ever been going through airport security. I worry that I'm misleading my SO, and lying to myself, if I stay.
On the other hand, my SO tells me that he "can't see it," and I figure the perspective of someone who knows me so well shouldn't be taken lightly. Additionally, I tell myself that I can't really know what it's like to be a man, so how can I want to be one? Of course, I recognize the internalized transphobia in that statement. And I don't think that way about trans people in general; that reasoning seems to apply only to myself. Still, it's what I tell myself, and it's what I told him, and I thought that would be the end of it. But I can't seem to shake the nagging feeling of unresolved cognitive dissonance.
If anyone here has been through something similar, or has any words of advice, I'd really love to hear from you. Thanks.
@crimsonLime7569
I have been through a struggle kind of similar. I am a female who was married but then realized I was attracted to females and didn't care for intimacy with a male, therefore, I thought I was gay. I ended up in a relationship with a woman only to realize I was wrong... I wasn't gay... I was a pan romantic asexual.
I do understand the fear of being wrong and hurting someone for no reason... But the internal struggle is a real message that you are not satisfied with how things are. I can't really give advice because I am not trans, myself. Just know that I am sitting with you and hope that you find what you are the most comfortable with soon.
@crimsonLime7569
It sounds like you are struggling with understanding and accepting your own gender identity. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings and come to a conclusion about your own identity. It's important to remember that everyone's journey is different and there is no right or wrong way to explore and understand your gender.
It can be helpful to seek out support and resources, such as counseling or therapy, specifically for gender identity exploration. These professionals can help you navigate and understand your feelings and provide guidance on how to move forward. It's also important to educate yourself on the subject matter and to connect with other individuals who may be going through similar experiences.
It's also important to remember that you are the only one who knows how you truly feel and what's best for you. It's important to listen to yourself, and not to let others dictate what you should or shouldn't do. While it's understandable to feel pressured by your SO and internalized transphobia, it's important to make decisions that are right for you and your well-being.
@crimsonLime7569
im a 15 y/o trans FTM if you feel more comfortable with being called "sir" or "mr" you can start and if your signifacant other is transphobic thats just stupid im with a boy and he doesn't care that im transgender FTM he loves me for who i am thats true love (in my opinon) so it's okay to feel this way