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dedelf6809
1,187 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts22 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceApril 4, 2018
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My own worst enemy
Depression Support / by dedelf6809
Last post
 April 27th, 2018
...See more I'm sitting in my med provider's office waiting to be seen. I'm not feeling relief but am experiencing the side effects. But I'm not sure the medication will ever help. My depression comes from loving my ex-wife and wanting to be with her and being incapable. The hours a day spent in tears are because I miss her so badly. The medicine won't stop me from loving and missing her. My pain won't end until I give up on my heart's desire and move on without her. And I can't. I can't let go of eleven years of my life like it never happened. I love her more with every day we're apart. This past year without her... I can't believe I'm alive. I have no reason to be but everyone else is convinced otherwise. Can't work, almost 40, crazy, multiple stds, no car, no income, and obsessed with my ex. There's no future there but everyone else is convinced there's a glorious future just around the corner.
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I can't
Relationship Stress / by dedelf6809
Last post
 May 3rd, 2018
...See more I can't let go of my ex-wife. Or more appropriately I don't want to let go of her. We've bee seperated a year and the distance has only made my love foor her even stronger. My dpression is crippling m; I can barely get out of bed or go to the store. I've tried starting relationships with other women but they end because I can't love them. I do all the things my ex-wife wanted from me for these other women but I don't love them. I don't want to be with them and am only with them because my wife won't have me back. I don't want to give up on our marriage. I can't let the eleven years of our lives end. I know with certainty I can find another woman and be very happy with her. I spent an amazing week this past week with a wonderful woman that is begging me to love her. She's let me cry to her about my love for my ex-wife. I have no feelings for her at all. I can't move forward without letting for of my desire to be with my wife. And I would rather suffer or die before I let go of my desire to fic the marriage.
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The next chapter
Relationship Stress / by dedelf6809
Last post
 April 16th, 2018
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If I only knew
Relationship Stress / by dedelf6809
Last post
 April 13th, 2018
...See more For eleven years you were the foundation that held me up. But I never saw that. For eleven years you showed me the purist love. But I never saw that. For eleven years I had the entire world in my hands. But I never saw that. It took losing you to make me realize what I had. And I lost you exactly because I was never able to see how amazing my life was. I was blind to how pure your love for me was. I was blind to how any success I had in life was propped up by your belief in me. No matter how dark my view of myself was you never gave up on me. You stubbornly stood by me far too long while I allowed my illness to poison my mind and behavior and while I was distancing myself and allowing the darkness to consume me you stood by my side and refused to leave me to destroy myself. I never deserved the kind of love you showed me. I never appreciated it and never really even noticed it. Our relationship was the epitome of a man taking a woman's love for granted. For so many years I refused to acknowledge that my mental illness was guiding me. I refused to admit I was sick and not viewing the world for what it was and was completely convinced I was right. I was completely convinced of all the dark things my mind told me and I refused to even consider that I might be wrong. And in doing so I destroyed the only pure and good thing I have ever known in my life. Now the darkness is descending on me again and in the time of my greatest need I am alone without my champion.
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