My own worst enemy
I'm sitting in my med provider's office waiting to be seen. I'm not feeling relief but am experiencing the side effects.
But I'm not sure the medication will ever help.
My depression comes from loving my ex-wife and wanting to be with her and being incapable. The hours a day spent in tears are because I miss her so badly. The medicine won't stop me from loving and missing her.
My pain won't end until I give up on my heart's desire and move on without her.
And I can't. I can't let go of eleven years of my life like it never happened. I love her more with every day we're apart. This past year without her... I can't believe I'm alive. I have no reason to be but everyone else is convinced otherwise. Can't work, almost 40, crazy, multiple stds, no car, no income, and obsessed with my ex. There's no future there but everyone else is convinced there's a glorious future just around the corner.
@dedelf6809
Your gorious future may not be just around the corner, it may not even be down the road, round bend, and over the river. BUT. It's there. You will make it. You can't believe you made it a year, but you did. You made it. YOU did it. I've been in the place where you feel like your life has been wasted because the person you have given your love to is gone. They have taken something that can never be returned. But you are going to be okay. It doesn't feel like it now, and you can't see it, and I probably sound like I am totally lying to make you feel better. I'm not. It will get better. It will. I promise you. In the meantime, every single day you need to put you first. YOU need to be important, because you are. You are so important and loved and WANTED by more people than you currently realize. Please don't give up on yourself If you can't do it for you, do it for me, a random stranger who loves you and wants you to succeed,
@csteger I actually do recognize how valuable and loved I am to few people in my life that even know my name. The problem is they don't matter to me. Other than the women I've been in relationships with I've never allowed myself to form relationships or even develop casual levels of care for the people in my life. I never talk to them, turn down any and every attempt at interaction with any of them and genuinely don't care if they exist.
Which is weird because I spent 16 years working in the community mental health system before the doctors told me I couldn't anymore. Working in mental health has shaped my opinion of my future quite a bit. 16 years and I never met anyone that lived a life worth living once they hit a point like what I'm at. 16 years of lying to people telling them it does get better when from my experience working in the field it's not possible. It's a lie to keep us with money in our pockets.
I've been involved with several women over the last year and each and every single one of them treated me better than my ex-wife ever dreamt of treating me. I spent four months with a woman that was perfect in every way imaginable and an improvement over my ex-wife by a thousand percent. I have a wonderful woman I'm supposed to be going out with tonight for a fancy date. Absolutely wonderful woman. I hate every moment I spend with her and am only going out with her because I can't go out with my ex-wife. I've been shown how amazing life can be without my wife. I know with 100% certainty that if I choose to move on my life will be wonderful.
I don't want that wonderful life if she's not in it.
@dedelf6809 for clarification, I hate the time I spend with this woman because I feel like it's wasted time. I enjoy our time quite a bit but it feels like it's wasted time. At the end of the night I still don't feel anything but deep sorrow over my marriage.