determinedPal1122 Member Profile

...See more Hi, I don't know what to write in particular. There are multiple tabs open on my mind - somedays im furious with the crime in the world, other days im wondering how I will figure out a career pr step outside, sometimes I keep thinking ill probably end up living my life at home itself (based on my upbringing - its a huge challenge for me to go out of house without worrying about who is staring at me). Other times I imagine the kind of life i will eventually live. Then sometimes im trying to understand myself, my beliefs, values, any changing perceptions, anything i like holding onto but struggle if i meet people with difference in opinions. But most times, i try to be there for family, they're cool, that'sall I have now - even through the rough and toughs. Not having a purpose and not having any realistic approaches have been killing me on the inside. I stopped talking to majority of friends (they were nice, but the relation was toxic). While i do have friends that I talk to, but they're not close as such, and I have to see when they have free time or something. I stopped having the urge to dance, im tired of hopping through so many ideas that i begin with for myself. Somedays i go - let's practice my english - I could copy-write some article/report etc. But i can't find the right pdfs on Google with english to just write. Other days i go - let's try the going out for sun - I went 2 days. Why? It felt lonely - I needed some morning sun. I love morning sun, and unfortunately it doesn't hit our home properly. The park in the middle of the socoety? Im scared to sit there in the sun, im scared that all the apartments face the park and i feel uncomfortable to be seen. I really like metropolitan city of my country. Nobody will stare..atleast compared to here. But to live there ill have to get a job, and i believe in common values, ethics, resonance. Arughhhhh i can't have it all. And I hate that to grow outside of home ill have to compromise - i can adapt. Ive done that my whole life, so much that I dont even recognise my true entire authentic self, but I hate people using the word compromise. Learning, growth, adapting - okay. Oh and im a young adult, with no interest in a lot of things people my age are interested in - like, i love - astrology, spirituality, but I would also like to go to my favorite singers concert someday. But I also like all sorts of music, i like a diverse genre - be it rap, pop, rnb, etcetcetc. And im non judgemental as long as people are respectful - idc bout people's gender orientation, beliefs, values whatever. I may not have learnt driving, or proper cooking (but im confident - cooking I will for sure learn, i try to practice on and off) but driving idk. But ugh I feel trapped in myself. I dont know what I want to do with myself besides if ever death approaches me, I may not have the desire to dodge it - atleast in this state of mind. Why does capitalism exist 😭 Im tired of myself...can this game be over already, this unfortuantely barely lived life -K

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