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dietsword
160 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 25, 2021
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Losing sleep
Relationship Stress / by dietsword
Last post
 September 25th, 2021
...See more Where do I start. I still care deeply for my ex boyfriend. We were together for 5 years, the entire time was turbulent. He struggled with some serious mental health problems, super insecure, couldn't hold a job, we argued A LOT. But still I've never felt as close with someone as I did with him. Even when we broke up, it wasn't because I didn't love him anymore, I just became burnt out. Of the arguing, of the being accused of cheating on him or lying to him. I've been in 2 long term relationships since, and when the honeymoon period is over I find the relationship feels empty and lacking that connection. This man was, despite his issues, one of the most genuinely caring and wonderful people I've ever known. He just had problems. Since the breakup, I haven't been on contact with him. Pretty sure he hates my guts. Meanwhile I've thought about him nearly very day since, wishing the best for him and hoping he manages to get back on his own 2 feet. Some back story: his father committed suicide when he was young, around 11 or 12. His mom did her best, but ultimately all of their stuff had to be put in a storage locker which they ended up losing. Except for a big envelope full of photos. His school photos from elementary school and, more importantly, the only remaining photos of his father and him together. These photos have been in a box at my house for years. Present day: I recently finally tried to get in contact with his family so I could give them the photos and of course I asked about him as I care about his wellbeing. None of his family has heard from him in months, not since last year. I reached out to some people I know are close friends of his: same thing. He doesn't have a phone, he's been homeless off and on since we broke up. I don't even know if he's alive at this point. I've reached out to everyone I can think of to just let me know if they hear from him. I'm losing sleep, desperately checking my phone every time I get a message hoping its someone telling me they've heard from him. I'm worried sick. I don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on from this person since I broke up with him, but I cant seem to shake him. We had the kind of connection that makes me believe soul mates are real. And now I don't even know if he's alive. I'm feeling overwhelmingly helpless and lost.
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