Losing sleep
Where do I start.
I still care deeply for my ex boyfriend. We were together for 5 years, the entire time was turbulent. He struggled with some serious mental health problems, super insecure, couldn't hold a job, we argued A LOT. But still I've never felt as close with someone as I did with him. Even when we broke up, it wasn't because I didn't love him anymore, I just became burnt out. Of the arguing, of the being accused of cheating on him or lying to him. I've been in 2 long term relationships since, and when the honeymoon period is over I find the relationship feels empty and lacking that connection. This man was, despite his issues, one of the most genuinely caring and wonderful people I've ever known. He just had problems.
Since the breakup, I haven't been on contact with him. Pretty sure he hates my guts. Meanwhile I've thought about him nearly very day since, wishing the best for him and hoping he manages to get back on his own 2 feet.
Some back story: his father committed suicide when he was young, around 11 or 12. His mom did her best, but ultimately all of their stuff had to be put in a storage locker which they ended up losing. Except for a big envelope full of photos. His school photos from elementary school and, more importantly, the only remaining photos of his father and him together. These photos have been in a box at my house for years.
Present day: I recently finally tried to get in contact with his family so I could give them the photos and of course I asked about him as I care about his wellbeing. None of his family has heard from him in months, not since last year. I reached out to some people I know are close friends of his: same thing. He doesn't have a phone, he's been homeless off and on since we broke up. I don't even know if he's alive at this point. I've reached out to everyone I can think of to just let me know if they hear from him. I'm losing sleep, desperately checking my phone every time I get a message hoping its someone telling me they've heard from him. I'm worried sick.
I don't know what to do. I've been trying to move on from this person since I broke up with him, but I cant seem to shake him. We had the kind of connection that makes me believe soul mates are real. And now I don't even know if he's alive. I'm feeling overwhelmingly helpless and lost.
@dietsword
Hi--welcome to the site. That sounds like such a difficult thing to be dealing with. 💜
You were together with your ex-boyfriend for 5 years. You felt really close to him, treasured how caring he was, and felt like you had a really deep connection with him that you haven't been able to match since then. But he had so many mental health issues that made things very difficult (e.g. lots of arguing, accusing you of cheating/lying, unable to hold a job, etc.) and it became too much to bear.
Recently, you contacted his family in order to try to return some important photos you have that belong to him from his childhood. And you found out that he's been struggling and homeless and none of his friends or family have been able to get in touch with him.
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I'm hearing so many different feelings and can understand how complicated it must be. 😟
- Reminiscing about how amazing your connection was with him, grieving the loss of that, and feeling like it's hard to forget or move on from that
- Feeling very worried for his safety, hoping he is okay, and feeling helpless to support him
- I'd imagine also wanting to respect your reasons for breaking up with him -- but without negating all of the compassion/sorrow you feel for him, his situation, and all of the problems he's had to deal with
If you'd like to talk with someone about everything you're experiencing, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept 1-on-1 chats. (I'd suggest reading through listener profiles or possibly filtering further by topic until you find someone that feels comfortable for you.) You're also welcome to schedule a chat with me HERE if you'd like if you're able to find a date/time that works.