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diplomaticTortoise2467
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2018 Member sinceJune 9, 2018
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Telling him about my abusive ex
Relationship Stress / by diplomaticTortoise2467
Last post
 August 1st, 2018
...See more About five/six years ago now, i was in an abusive relationship. Mine is a classic tale - i didn't know it was abusive until i got out (I was only 21), i never told anyone the darkest parts or sought help because i felt ashamed i "let" it happen to me, and everyone knows me as someone who is strong, has it together, and is confident (which, for the most part, I am). I met my current partner 3 and a half years ago, and our relationship is wonderful. We're a great match; he makes me happy, makes me laugh, and has shown me what loving one another really means. However, i have never told him the full extent of my experience. He knows i have a dodgey ex, but just in a sense of it ended badly. I don't know why i haven't told him, I guess i've buried it down somewhere deep and i don't want to dredge it back up again. Either that, or i'm scared he'll think i'm "damaged" in some way (even though my logical brain knows he would never have that reaction in a million years). About a year ago, i went to therapy to get it off my chest. This was in part because my partner was going through some bouts of depression, and i wanted to be completely strong in myself for him. But now he has recovered, i've noticed it's still seeping into our relationship. A lot of the abuse from my ex was verbal - he used to tell me everything was my fault, that i was stupid for getting mad at him, that his anger and frustration were because of me. He was also super controlling. With my partner now, i struggle to argue - i feel sick when he is angry (like, only in a normal, grumpy kind of way) and i always automatically assume its me. I then get defensive, and either have to leave or get super upset. I also find it hard to trust him, even though he's given zero indication that i should not. He gets frustrated sometimes that i almost expect the relationship to go tits up, or him to do something awful. I'm also fiercely independent - i guess the controlling issue thing - and i get unnaturally angry when my current partner tries to help. We're about to make the next step and move in together, which is so exciting. But i also know arguments are kind of inevitable (healthy even) but i'm worried if i don't explain to him why i react the way i do, it'll cause problems. I'm not wanting him to change, or feel like he can't get mad or be grumpy or whatever. I just wonder whether it may help the healing process not to hide it from him anymore. We love eachother dearly, and have seen eachother through some tough times. I know him better than anyone, and he me - so why can't i tell him this? Anyone have any advice?
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Can i tell my depressed partner how I feel?
Depression Support / by diplomaticTortoise2467
Last post
 December 25th, 2018
...See more Hi all, I'm sorry if I'm not meant to post in this group...i feel a bit of an imposter. Because it's not me who is depressed, but my partner. I thought I'd post because i need help to understand him, and i thought here would be the best place to find that help. I've never experienced depression myself, and although i've researched my ass off since he told me, I guess I'll never fully understand. So any advice would be appreciated so much - because i am struggling. He told me about six months ago now, but i knew something was wrong for a whole 8 months before that. He has actually been diagnosed with clinical depression, and still exhibits all the symptoms - irritable, wanting to be alone, unable to empathise, feeling exhausted and worthless, throwing himself into work, saying he feels numb to everything. At first I just listened, and yes, i did get upset initially. But then i went away, did my research, and came back to him. I told him i understood as best as i could, that i loved him and i would support him through it. And over the last six months, i've done my best to be who he needs me to be. I've thrown myself into self-care and grown a great support network, so that I can be fully supportive for him. I've accepted sometimes he needs space and just to be alone, and I step back every time until he's ready to come back. I've accepted our sex life has been reduced dramatically, and although sometimes i gently ask, i never push. And everytime he has opened up, i've listened, and not tried to offer advice or tell him "you just need to do this to do this...". I always just make sure he knows i love him, and think he's great. But, i can't deny it's taking its toll. I didnt realise up until now how much i've edited my behaviour, and how much it's affected me. I've been concentrating for so long on how he feels that i've realised i never tell him how i feel anymore. Our whole relationship at the moment is centred around what works for him, and his needs. We do long distance, which means messenger is often the only way we can connect. But sometimes, he reads my messages, ignores them, and goes silent for days. When it first happened, i asked him why - and he said sometimes he just didn't have the energy to reply. So i asked him to just let me know he needed space and i'd back off, but please to let me know, just so I could back off and not worry. I even suggested a code word. He agreed, but then carried on doing it. I tried to ask him again, very gently, and he said he was getting frustrated with messenger. So i asked if he'd like it if we schedule a phonecall, once a week, same time, so that we got some us time. He said he felt that was a good idea, so we tried it. It worked for a while, but then it started to become me who was reminding him about the phonecall. I'd wait until 10pm on a sunday night before messaging. When we are together, sometimes things are great, other times he's wanting to be alone, but says it helps to know i'm in the next room getting on with my own thing. It's just when we're apart that things are bad. And i've started to feel really angry, and frustrated, and unsure. I'm going through an amazing part of my life, where lots of exciting things are happening but there's also a lot of stress that comes with it. I just want to share it with him, but i feel like i can't. I'm hiding all the great stuff or dampening them down, because sometimes i'll tell him and he'll not reply, and i can't remember the last time he texted just to say "hey, how are you?". He decides everything now - when we speak, how we speak, when we have sex, what we do when we are together - and i guess i've started to feel completely unequal in our relationship. Normally, i'd have a conversation about it and sort it out. But now, i feel like i have to keep all my emotions locked inside, for fear i might upset him. I feel confused, neglected and sometimes, like he doesn't care (i know this isn't true, but sometimes it really feels that way). Plus, a bigger issue is we havent talked about the depression, or treatment, since. I don't think he ever went back to the doctors and thinks he can sort it himself. He hides it from his family, his friends...he tells them he's just stressed and tired. Sometimes i feel like i'm making this other human up, this person he is only with me. If i gently bring it up, i gets angry and defensive, and tells me he'll talk about anything but that. I guess i wanted to ask - how can i tell him i'm struggling? or even can i? will it make him feel bad? I feel the longer i keep it inside, the more it'll build, and im terrifed one day i'll snap and have a go at him, when it's not even his fault. Can i ask him if he's receiving help? I miss him, the intimacy we once had, and above all i just so desperately want for this darkness to lift for him. p.s. i'm sorry for rambling on, and feel free to criticise me if i'm doing something i shouldn't be
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