Telling him about my abusive ex

@diplomaticTortoise2467

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

About five/six years ago now, i was in an abusive relationship. Mine is a classic tale - i didn't know it was abusive until i got out (I was only 21),(The fact you didn't know it was abusive means you felt it was familiar, how relationship should be and other things) i never told anyone the darkest parts or sought help because i felt ashamed i "let" it happen to me, and everyone knows me as someone who is strong, has it together, and is confident (which, for the most part, I am). (I don't mean in anyway to disagree with this, but I get the feelings you tend to surpress things and push things on the back of your mind as a way to not deal with them since it can get quite overwhelming, so you give this apperance of someone who is strong and has it strong. There's also a chance you grew up learning that surpressing things is the best way to go)

I met my current partner 3 and a half years ago, and our relationship is wonderful. We're a great match; he makes me happy, makes me laugh, and has shown me what loving one another really means. However, i have never told him the full extent of my experience. (You don't have to tell him this if you don't want to since its part of your past, this optional whether you want to share it or not.) He knows i have a dodgey ex, but just in a sense of it ended badly. I don't know why i haven't told him, I guess i've buried it down somewhere deep and i don't want to dredge it back up again. (This tells me you have not dealt and heal from it, so this issue it's going resurface in certain part of the relationship) Either that, or i'm scared he'll think i'm "damaged" in some way (even though my logical brain knows he would never have that reaction in a million years).

About a year ago, i went to therapy to get it off my chest. This was in part because my partner was going through some bouts of depression, and i wanted to be completely strong in myself for him. But now he has recovered, i've noticed it's still seeping into our relationship. A lot of the abuse from my ex was verbal - he used to tell me everything was my fault, (Your ex seems to distort reality, not take responsabiity for his own actions, and would often project on how he feels. He didn't have any awareness of his internal world, and this caused problems) that i was stupid for getting mad at him, (He was minimizing how you feel because this is what they used to do to him in the past) that his anger and frustration were because of me. (He is projecting how he felt here, and didn't have the maturity to accept he was at fault here) He was also super controlling. (His fear of losing you lead him to be controlling, sohe tried to control every aspect of your life) With my partner now, i struggle to argue - i feel sick when he is angry (like, only in a normal, grumpy kind of way) (This tells me it's something that you have been conditioned to because in the past sharing feelings or expressing yourself would led to negative things, so you learned to either go along with the person or become a pleaser. I do know where you are coming from when you say "I feel sick when he is angry", it takes you back to moments in the past where you felt anxious during times others were mad) and i always automatically assume its me.(I think this is what people in the past made you believe, so the past is taking over the present. It's always best to take a closer look at the situation before assuming you are at fault) I then get defensive, (This defensiveness comes from getting triggered from your past, and then you start to have a hard time regulating your emotions) and either have to leave or get super upset. I also find it hard to trust him, (If you didn't feel comfortable and safe growing up, if you didn't feel heard and understood, if your needs were not met, if something traumatic happened between your parents, if your experiences with love didn't make you feel safe, if people let you down then you will develop trust issues with others) even though he's given zero indication that i should not. He gets frustrated sometimes that i almost expect the relationship to go tits up, or him to do something awful. (What you mean with this sentence?) I'm also fiercely independent - (You are independent but not in the healthy way because of how often to push things under the rug or keep things on the back of your mind) i guess the controlling issue thing - and i get unnaturally angry when my current partner tries to help. (This is your way to sabotage things because it makes you feel smothered or trapped when he tries to help, this is a closeness issue)

We're about to make the next step and move in together, which is so exciting. But i also know arguments are kind of inevitable (healthy even) (I get the feeling you will both triggered each other, and it will lead to arguments because he also has his own issues as well) but i'm worried if i don't explain to him why i react the way i do, it'll cause problems. (You might feel it has to do with that abusive relationship, but it has to do more with how you grew up and how you saw the world. The abusive relationship made things worst, but the issues were still there) I'm not wanting him to change, or feel like he can't get mad or be grumpy or whatever. (The way he gets mad could be related to not being able to properly regulate his own emotions, and it could be his way to get his own needs met) I just wonder whether it may help the healing process not to hide it from him anymore. We love eachother dearly, and have seen eachother through some tough times. I know him better than anyone, and he me - so why can't i tell him this? (it has to do with the trust issues, and how people repeadtly let you down in the past. If people kept saying things like "don't cry", "you shouldn't feel that way", "you are weak for showing feelings" or "why are you making a big deal about this" then its going to make you terrified to share things with other people, specially when theres fear of him leaving you if you tell him everything)