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ediblenapkin
269 M Embraced 2
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2019 Member sinceDecember 6, 2017
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i escaped a bad home life
Trauma Support / by ediblenapkin
Last post
 October 5th, 2019
...See more after 12 years of indirect mental abuse and over 7 years of direct verbal and occasional physical abuse, i managed to escape today with my friend. My escape was hindered by my former legal guardians and I left most if not majority of my important documents, items, and belongings behind. However, considering the only way I even got my ID and debit card back was because a state trooper arrived, it is highly unlikely I will ever recover the rest of my possessions before the people I used to live with destroy them. Even if I do go back, I will need to bring police to witness and escort me to ensure they do not try anything like what they did as I left. They yelled at the friend I asked to come help, claiming that I'd been manipulated and then claiming that I shouldn't be allowed to take anything with me since they buy me everything (untrue, most of the items I tried to take were gifts from everyone who wasn't them). They nearly shoved my friend down the steps and did yell at my friend for a solid 7 to 8 minutes, loud and in their face. We barely escaped. Even though I know I really can't go back safely, that those people have absolutely no way of finding me where I am now, and that there are a million and one places I can go if I get kicked out of where I am now (my friend's house, the one who came to get me), I still feel anxious and on edge. I keep wondering if they will waltz in as I type, if they are telling everyone they know about me and my friend, if they are looking through all the stuff I left behind and are discovering things I never intended them to know. It leads to me panicking but unable to actually launch into a full blown panic attack, because my mind still feels like it's there. Like in the morning or after the weekend I will be forced to return and deal with the consequences of running for my life. Like I'm only on vacation, and like all vacations I've been on, it must eventually end. That any happiness I have here is only going to be destroyed and I should keep in my habits of hoarding food and eating as much as possible whenever I can. That I should find hiding places for my phone and wallet as soon as possible. That I should still listen intently and be ready to hide what I'm doing at the drop of a pin. Those habits will take time and concentration to break, I know, but even consciously I can't help but still think that. I don't know when I will be able to register that I'm actually free, but I know when I do I'm going to have the biggest breakdown I've had since I was 11. But what do I do from there? How do I live? How can I forget what happened? How can I make sure the people I lived with won't try to come after me? How can I make sure they won't go after my friends in an attempt to get at me? I feel terrified and dizzy, but I don't know where to go from here. Everything went topsy turvy and I'm confused.
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