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emeraldgreen123
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceApril 26, 2021
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Feeling all the Feelings and Accepting the Journey
Trauma Support / by emeraldgreen123
Last post
 May 1st, 2021
...See more Recently i experienced the return of some memories that i thought i had “forgotten”. clearly my body had not and was ready to address the experiences that happened. on my 14th birthday, my boyfriend at the time was controlling and manipulative. he had convinced me that if i didn’t have sex no one would want me. so i agreed. and then i lost my virginity on my parents living room floor in my prom dress on my 14th birthday. i had thought that that’s what sex would be like forever and that i just needed to accept that it would make me uncomfortable every time. for a few months after that we stayed together, i had tried to end it many times and somehow he would convince me to stay, whether it was showing up to my house and threatening me or contacting my friends to get me to stay. finally, he ended it. i thought i was free. i didn’t think much of the experience at the time and how traumatic those months had and would be. years later when i started college, my new boyfriend who i felt comfortable with and more importantly, SAFE around, molested me in my sleep, twice. i felt like i couldn’t trust anyone because the people around me had all betrayed me. they all made me feel like they only cared about using me for my body and ultimately gaining their own pleasure from it. anyway, fast forward 5 years (present day now) and i’m looking at some old photos of myself. as i’m looking at them i realize that i have no idea who this person it. the person i see looks like a sweet girl with lots of friends. she looks like she’s enjoying her youth. however, i don’t recognize her as myself. i don’t remember any of the events i had gone to in the pictures. for all i knew this was a complete stranger that i was looking at. so i go to my bed to sit and contemplate this strange feeling and there it was. a memory that i had no idea was there. it was as if i was back in my parents living room on my 14th birthday and he was on top of me. i could see his face clearly and almost felt every painful and disgusting thrust inside of me. i’ve been crying for 3 days straight now. i know that my body and mind are ready to address this trauma that 14 year old me wasn’t ready for just then but it’s still jarring to me that i had completely forgotten about this almost second life i had lived so many years ago. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this because i just don’t feel comfortable bringing this up to people around me and having them look at me in a different light. This is how i found 7cups and i’m so thankful for finding this forum as i’m hoping to find some support or even just people who have felt this before and can tell me that it gets better and i’m not crazy. because today, i’m feeling like i’m going crazy.
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