Feeling all the Feelings and Accepting the Journey
Recently i experienced the return of some memories that i thought i had “forgotten”. clearly my body had not and was ready to address the experiences that happened. on my 14th birthday, my boyfriend at the time was controlling and manipulative. he had convinced me that if i didn’t have sex no one would want me. so i agreed. and then i lost my virginity on my parents living room floor in my prom dress on my 14th birthday. i had thought that that’s what sex would be like forever and that i just needed to accept that it would make me uncomfortable every time. for a few months after that we stayed together, i had tried to end it many times and somehow he would convince me to stay, whether it was showing up to my house and threatening me or contacting my friends to get me to stay. finally, he ended it. i thought i was free. i didn’t think much of the experience at the time and how traumatic those months had and would be. years later when i started college, my new boyfriend who i felt comfortable with and more importantly, SAFE around, molested me in my sleep, twice. i felt like i couldn’t trust anyone because the people around me had all betrayed me. they all made me feel like they only cared about using me for my body and ultimately gaining their own pleasure from it. anyway, fast forward 5 years (present day now) and i’m looking at some old photos of myself. as i’m looking at them i realize that i have no idea who this person it. the person i see looks like a sweet girl with lots of friends. she looks like she’s enjoying her youth. however, i don’t recognize her as myself. i don’t remember any of the events i had gone to in the pictures. for all i knew this was a complete stranger that i was looking at. so i go to my bed to sit and contemplate this strange feeling and there it was. a memory that i had no idea was there. it was as if i was back in my parents living room on my 14th birthday and he was on top of me. i could see his face clearly and almost felt every painful and disgusting thrust inside of me. i’ve been crying for 3 days straight now. i know that my body and mind are ready to address this trauma that 14 year old me wasn’t ready for just then but it’s still jarring to me that i had completely forgotten about this almost second life i had lived so many years ago. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this because i just don’t feel comfortable bringing this up to people around me and having them look at me in a different light. This is how i found 7cups and i’m so thankful for finding this forum as i’m hoping to find some support or even just people who have felt this before and can tell me that it gets better and i’m not crazy. because today, i’m feeling like i’m going crazy.
It's a process like any other. Healing takes time especially if the memories have been hidden from you. We often hide painful memories because we aren't prepared or ready for accepting what happened to us. A couple years ago I had memories come flooding back from childhood abuse. It took alot to accept an overcome it all. For years I pushed forward after testifying against my abuser. Years I tried to restore normalcy in a dysfunctional environment around me. Then it came time to commit, and I faltered. Ruined a three year relationship by abandoning ship out of fear she wouldn't accept me after hearing about what happened to me as a child. I was right but learning I was right in that regard hurt alot. I opened up and got burned for it. That was two years ago, and in that time I've regained most of what was lost and gained much more in the long run. We will face judgments by others who just can't make sense of what happened to us. They will react in unpredictable ways but we can not let this perturb us. Ultimately we are the only ones who can make judgments about ourselves. I just hope reflection doesn't devolve into rumination. It's easy to see what happened and think we could have or should have done more or something different. What ifs begin to flood in and all of a sudden acceptance can easily regress into denial. I guess my point is not to be hard on yourself. You are not a victim. You are a survivor. You climbed out of the abyss and got a glimpse of what came before. Instead of focusing on what happened to us, we can focus on what we have overcome. May you have a wonderful rest of your week my friend and thanks for sharing your struggles. We are here for you.
Hi! I joined this app yesterday and wanted to tell you that I'm experiencing something similar. I have cptsd from an abusive relationship and also from having witnessed sexual abuse as a child (to other children even though I got away for the most part). Anyway I also remember things suddenly or don't remember an event at all. I think it's normal since at the moment we were 'numb' and didn't process things, we were too young. Only when it's far away you can begin to see it and understand what happened to you. But what's important is that we're strong and kind and deserve love and support, they just gave us some things to work through and gain perspective. It takes time and effort but we'll end up wiser and just as happy. Anyway I'm here if you want to chat! Take care of yourself