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emmaley
1 1,960 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts73 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceNovember 12, 2019
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Feeling invisible, destructive behavior and the wish to "be saved".
Self-Esteem / by emmaley
Last post
 March 19th, 2025
...See more im not sure how to begin. I am so incredibly lost atm, and it hurts so much. I feel like im molding into a person I don't recognize, however cheesy that sounds. I have struggled with fitting in my entire life. I am a middle child, and growing up my parents had a lot to deal with. We were a houshold of four kids, whereas my older brother frequently got into trouble with the police, and my little sister was a musical prodigy. Visits to the police station, and to expensive violinst classes became my parents everyday life. Me and my other sister became the "lump" in the middle, but that was alright at the time, as I didn't like attention all that much anyways.  My mother had a lot of trauma from her childhood that she's never really processed so having children was very tough on her. She was either too stressed to be able to deal with us, or too depressed to notice we were even present. My father didnt offer much help, as he found everything psychology-related uncomfortable and avoided any talk of feelings at any cost. He often left the room completely when such themes arised.  It wasnt their fault, but they were (and still is) very distant. They never hear me when I ask a question, at least not the first two-three times I ask, and I often have to repeat myself an hour later because they "forgot to listen". I promise, they do not have any illnesses or bad hearing abilities. They're very healthy individuals. The thing is, it freaking hurts every. single. time. I shouldnt feel so triggered by it, but whenever I ask for ANY help with ANYTHING, genuinely trying to be vulnerable with them, and then get ignored/brushed over, it just cuts so deep, idk what to do.  I feel like ive fallen into this invisible role in many aspects of my life. I didnt raise my hand in class as a child, and I never ever asked for help with any subjects taught in school. Sometimes I desperately wish the teachers would have just SEEN me for once. I felt like i was so incredibly worthless, and i remember that I started having suicidal ideation at a very young age. The most concrete memory of it is from the age of 12, but I most likely had similar thoughts earlier too. I know it was 12 because I thought of it while on a family vacation I remember vividly.  It just hurt so much, and it felt stupid to ask for "attention", but I desperately needed it. It ended with me engaging in risky behavior to 1. feel more alive and present. I WAS somebody who COULD get hurt. In other words, I EXIST. 2. I secretely wished for someone to "save me". To "care".  "Appreciate me".  I balanced on fences, dangled with one foot over a 10 meter fall. I forced myself to hold onto nettle until I got burning blisters all over my hands and arms. When I turned 16 I started drinking heavy liquor until I passed out in a ditch at 3am somewhere downtown. My parents assumed I was spending the night at a friends house and never suspected anything. I don't even think they remembered to check in most weekends. At around age 18 i started to experiment with restricted eating, and forced myself to not eat for a week to test my self control. I did that a couple of times, until my blood pressure got so low I couldnt stand up. It was euphoric in a very strange way. Then I started eating again, in the fear of actually passing out alone in my dorm. I never mentioned it to anybody. I just didnt care about my well being, or at least that's what I told myself.  My entire body instinctly worked overtime to make sure nobody figured it out. I wanted to stay invisible in a sense, like that was the new (and somewhat "safe") normal. But I also frequently fantasized about getting rescued by paramedics after getting stabbed, or hit by a car. It felt like an internal war with conflicting emotions dragging me in each direction. "Cut into your skin so he notices you and ask if you're okay" -> "Are you crazy? Wear long sleeves when you meet him, and put on foundation so he doesnt see your old scars."  "Tell her." "Don't tell her". Somehow the words got stuck in my throat.  I was a *** up kid. I realize it now. I am *** up. Probably. I still bawl my eyes out of videos of strangers helping strangers out of pure human empathy and kindness. A part of me still wishes it happened to me, although these thoughts are not AS strong now as theyve been in the past.  Okay so Ive been rambling on, and this is probably not interesting for you to read, so Ill stop. I guess the point of writing this was to see if there's anything I can do to somehow "heal" this way of thinking. I don't have access to hugs, so can't do that, but I have access to food and a lazy cat. I also wonder if this is common, or if im a total freak for being/have been this way.  I don't know. Have a good day:')
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Curse of independence
Relationship Stress / by emmaley
Last post
 December 30th, 2023
...See more Not sure if this is the right place(sorry if it isn't), but here we go.  I need to rant.  I'm sorry, but the christmas tree looks so damn pretty, and my family is out skiing and being positive, and everyone says Merry Christmas, and... I'm so fed up.  I love my family, but I also feel like it's a transparent wall between them and me. My mom tried to talk to me about my feelings yesterday (bless her), but I couldn't tell her anything. You see, in our family, independence has always been a compliment. Not only a compliment, but something we need to be at all times. My mom occasionally asks if I'm okay, but if I'm honest, and say: "no, I actually need help" I'm suddenly weak, and need to pull myself together.  I therefor never(almost) ask for help. I need help. Sometimes desperately, but I still stay silent (or go somewhere nobody will see me and cry my eyes out/hyperventilate until I think my lungs will rupture).  I dropped out of nursing school last year, and wanted to pursue medicine. I got into med school, but I got so anxious I couldnt eat for five days(I was so dizzy I could barely stand up), so I decided to wait another year to reconsider. I called my mom and told her I need help, because I was just so confused. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless, and I cried. A lot. Later, I got a call from my dad. He wanted to meet me for a cup of coffee at a local cafe.  I met him, and he said he heard about my phone call with mom. He told me to stop calling mom when I was struggling. He said she's very tired, and can't solve my issues. He told me to pull myself together. He said I was an adult (I was 22, now I'm 23). I agree that I need to pull myself together, and I felt so bad for my mom. She WAS tired. However, I also felt extremely hurt.  A friend of mine called me two days ago, complaining about a painful tooth. He'd barely been able to eat all day. I couldnt feel sorry for him. It actually annoyed me. I thought: "Why do you call me and complain for something so minor? I had to go through worse, and I handled it myself. Pull yourself together!"  I hate that part about myself, because I'm literally thinking the same thing my parents told me(which hurt me). I'm trying to change it.  Being independent is viewed as such a great thing. It's the first thing that comes up in a conversation if my parents talk about me with friends. "She's so independent!". Yes, but it's ruining me.  Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system by writing it down here. It's literally the only place I could turn to. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on this. I don't know.  Okay, rant over. Thank you, and have a good day. - or have a day. That works too.  - Emma
emmaley profile picture
Curse of independence
Self-Esteem / by emmaley
Last post
 January 30th, 2024
...See more Not sure if this is the right place(sorry if it isn't), but here we go.  I need to rant.  I'm sorry, but the christmas tree looks so d**m pretty, and my family is out skiing and being positive, and everyone says Merry Christmas, and... I'm so fed up.  I love my family, but I also feel like it's a transparent wall between them and me. My mom tried to talk to me about my feelings yesterday (bless her), but I couldn't tell her anything. You see, in our family, independence has always been a compliment. Not only a compliment, but something we need to be at all times. My mom occasionally asks if I'm okay, but if I'm honest, and say: "no, I actually need help" I'm suddenly weak, and need to pull myself together.  I therefor never(almost) ask for help. I need help. Sometimes desperately, but I still stay silent (or go somewhere nobody will see me and cry my eyes out/hyperventilate until I think my lungs will rupture).  I dropped out of nursing school last year, and wanted to pursue medicine. I got into med school, but I got so anxious I couldnt eat for five days(I was so dizzy I could barely stand up), so I decided to wait another year to reconsider. I called my mom and told her I need help, because I was just so confused. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless, and I cried. A lot. Later, I got a call from my dad. He wanted to meet me for a cup of coffee at a local cafe.  I met him, and he said he heard about my phone call with mom. He told me to stop calling mom when I was struggling. He said she's very tired, and can't solve my issues. He told me to pull myself together. He said I was an adult (I was 22, now I'm 23). I agree that I need to pull myself together, and I felt so bad for my mom. She WAS tired. However, I also felt extremely hurt.  A friend of mine called me two days ago, complaining about a painful tooth. He'd barely been able to eat all day. I couldnt feel sorry for him. It actually annoyed me. I thought: "Why do you call me and complain for something so minor? I had to go through worse, and I handled it myself. Pull yourself together!"  I hate that part about myself, because I'm literally thinking the same thing my parents told me(which hurt me). I'm trying to change it.  Being independent is viewed as such a great thing. It's the first thing that comes up in a conversation if my parents talk about me with friends. "She's so independent!". Yes, but it's ruining me.  Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system by writing it down here. It's literally the only place I could turn to. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on this. I don't know.  Okay, rant over. Thank you, and have a good day. - or have a day. That works too.  - Emma
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