Curse of independence

I need to rant. 

I'm sorry, but the christmas tree looks so damn pretty, and my family is out skiing and being positive, and everyone says Merry Christmas, and... I'm so fed up. 

I love my family, but I also feel like it's a transparent wall between them and me. My mom tried to talk to me about my feelings yesterday (bless her), but I couldn't tell her anything. You see, in our family, independence has always been a compliment. Not only a compliment, but something we need to be at all times. My mom occasionally asks if I'm okay, but if I'm honest, and say: "no, I actually need help" I'm suddenly weak, and need to pull myself together. 

I therefor never(almost) ask for help. I need help. Sometimes desperately, but I still stay silent (or go somewhere nobody will see me and cry my eyes out/hyperventilate until I think my lungs will rupture). 

I dropped out of nursing school last year, and wanted to pursue medicine. I got into med school, but I got so anxious I couldnt eat for five days(I was so dizzy I could barely stand up), so I decided to wait another year to reconsider. I called my mom and told her I need help, because I was just so confused. I felt like a failure. I felt worthless, and I cried. A lot. Later, I got a call from my dad. He wanted to meet me for a cup of coffee at a local cafe. 

I met him, and he said he heard about my phone call with mom. He told me to stop calling mom when I was struggling. He said she's very tired, and can't solve my issues. He told me to pull myself together. He said I was an adult (I was 22, now I'm 23). I agree that I need to pull myself together, and I felt so bad for my mom. She WAS tired. However, I also felt extremely hurt. 

A friend of mine called me two days ago, complaining about a painful tooth. He'd barely been able to eat all day. I couldnt feel sorry for him. It actually annoyed me. I thought: "Why do you call me and complain for something so minor? I had to go through worse, and I handled it myself. Pull yourself together!" 

I hate that part about myself, because I'm literally thinking the same thing my parents told me(which hurt me). I'm trying to change it. 

Being independent is viewed as such a great thing. It's the first thing that comes up in a conversation if my parents talk about me with friends. "She's so independent!". Yes, but it's ruining me. 

Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system by writing it down here. It's literally the only place I could turn to. Feel free to comment if you have any thoughts on this. I don't know. 

Okay, rant over. Thank you, and have a good day. - or have a day. That works too. 

- Emma