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energeticThinker3129
45,986 M Crossing Mileposts 6
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts11,670 Forum posts122 Forum upvotes494 Current upvotes494 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceJuly 11, 2021
Bio

✨Welcome to my about✨

I am 21 year old girl/woman, a law student, a simple individual and living through PTSD and Moderate Depression.

I believe in acceptance, compassion and love.

In my prayers: @recliningfate

You will find me most in the Sharing Circle (I'm on a break due to legal actions I am taking in my case, if you happen to check my about know that you are in my prayers, hoping to come back on circle soon) Also, I write in Trauma Support Community- Journaling Stories.

Trying to hold on








Recent forum posts
Feeling helpless
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 September 1st, 2022
...See more It's going to be 3 years of my assault and literally every single day in some or the other way I go through that trauma again and again, every single day I get flashbacks sometimes the symptoms are less in intensity but they always remain. No other problem stays with me but that assault and events leading to that are not leaving my brain. I cry every single day for the same thing despite boosting myself up after every cry. Probably this is because I am forced to be in the same place that's my University, I requested them for transfer on these grounds showed them medical proofs of PTSD but they are not agreeing on letting me leave the place. They are giving me an option of a drop year but I don't want to lag further behind in my academics. The culprits in the University are still free and hold power and I am forced to be among them seeing them being powerful and I am the one facing the repurcussions. What was my fault. Why did this happen to me. I have to stay in this University for around 2 years and I know you people do understand and can feel how tough it is to be at the place of assault for even a second for that matter. 2 years went in covid lockdown so I was at home but now I am at University left with no option. I want to complete my education but it is beyond tough... I have got support of my Uni. friends and good people but in the end the place remains haunted for me.
Numb
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 July 3rd, 2022
...See more Trigger Warning: Mentions of University, police, courts, victim blaming, sadness and numbness No graphics. In my previous threads some months back, I had mentioned about my emotions regarding stalking and eventually rape by strangers right before the pandemic. I took a break from cups because I was too much involved into filing my case in Court and getting myself protected at my University for the rest of my studies' duration. Because now after the pandemic everything is reopening so, for my safety and physical and mental well being taking some action was really needed. I am yet fighting for this and I hear a lot of things about me some being that I am lying, I am insane, attention seeker or I have some ulterior motives... I nearly ignored these baseless thoughts of people and went ahead with everything I could. But this month on 10th, somebody different sexually assaulted or maybe raped me. While this was happening I got a lot of flashbacks and struggled to free myself, said 'no' continuously, I was shivering and I was feeling suffocation. Because I wasn't able to save myself and had previous baseless statements in my subconscious, I recorded some part of assault. So now atleast nobody can say I am lying. But I am never going to do anything about this because I already have a similar case in which I am taking a legal recourse and this person is an acquaintance so I can in future stay away from him. I don't know I am not feeling much emotions about this particular assault. Am I used to getting hurt or is my body and mind still in shock I really don't know. I haven't even cried about this and I am not feeling angry or sad...sometimes I feel disgusted but it fades away...
Can someone relate( wanting to feel less alone)
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 October 13th, 2021
...See more I just have a question, is it okay to forget the faces of perpetrators? I was with them for around 1 hour, saw the faces of all 4, but all I remember is useless details of their footwear, lockets, their comments, voices, etc... I was in full senses when they were rap* me I have no names and no faces to even tell anyone...some ask if this was not a dream and it hurts immensely. I was 19 so not even small to forget...it has been around 2 years and I am crying because of people who I don't even remember...Please help...
Will never get answers
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 September 27th, 2021
...See more Trigger Warning: Gangrape, Strangulation I want to feel little less heavy so want to pour my heart out ( no graphics but some of their sentences rephrased by me to look decent) it will be 2 years in few months. I will never know why those 4 people chose me, who they were, their faces, their names, etc...and it hurts a lot because I remember other useless details but don't remember their faces...so now I don't have any faces to seek revenge on any name to identify them if I ever come across them again. They made fun of my appearance, I cry everytime I think of this, me lying on a streetside ground and they seeing me and making jokes. Only my mom had seen me in my childhood other than myself. They made fun of almost every part of my body. After they were done and tried strangling me and I wasn't dying the person removed his hand I tried to speak and he told to others " listen this * wants to speak something maybe she isn't satis* yet shh listen to her ". All their words, laughs and actions make me hate my own self and ... They told me my legs are thick so now I feel heaviness in them every now and then...see theirs on top of mine They didn't even know my name so throughout I heard slangs, what was my fault in just walking on a street...My soul feels crushed, how to hold on hope😔
Possible Androphobia (fear of men)
Anxiety Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 September 28th, 2021
...See more [I haven't been clinically diagnosed with this, just diagnosed with PTSD] No graphics used Around 2 years back, I was gan*rap** and nearly killed by 4 strangers and before that was stalked, harassed and was almost thrown ac** by different 10-15 men I have since then developed a debalitating fear of men. Incident happened in November 2019 so fortunately soon pandemic started and I am safe at my home. I cry seeing men over video conferences too, I cannot look anyone in their eyes, I start feeling an urge to hide myself, run away and cry even when virtually any man is even a bit dominating or taking up space or talking to me. I am okay with hearing the ones who have soft voices but the ones who even speak a little loud, I feel they are shouting at me, at home I cannot even stand near my dad, I feel shaky, few days back someone accidently touched me while walking and i kneeled on the ground crying publicaly. I cannot look at pictures of men for longer than few seconds. I have a guy friend who supports me a lot so I do trust him but I cannot imagine myself standing next to him physically. I cannot see even music videos in which group of men perform together. Can't see groups. I don't hate men, it's just I fear even the innocent ones...how will I survive with so much fear...I leave important online college lectures, important opportunities...
Fearing everyone...
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 August 30th, 2021
...See more **Trigger Warning** Brief Context- I am 20, I was 19 when I was gang- raped by 4 strangers who tried to strangle me, after a series of sexual harassment, stalking and an attack with water (after threatening of acid attack). Everybody involved in these(around 10-15 people) are nameless and faceless to me and are free. I am still unaware of why they chose me... Concern- I am carrying a fear when I am at my home because I get flashbacks and a lot of panic attacks. But it gets worse when I see people physically or virtually, I cannot maintain eye contact properly and feel constantly anxious. One day I was out and somebody touched my arm by mistake and I kneeled on the ground in public crying loudly. I cry when I see people in video conferences and I am unable to behave normally any where. It has been over an year since I am at home safe and in different city than my University where everything happened due to pandemic but I am always restless. I cannot even stand close to my own father whom I love a lot. I feel scared beyond anything whenever I get the thought that I will return to my University and that city soon. Basically, I am under a constant fear. How to deal with this...
It's not easy to not self blame
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 October 4th, 2021
...See more TW: mention of the incident, my self blame, PTSD I was around 2 years back just walking on a side street to catch my bus. It was evening but due to winters it was little dark. I fainted while walking because I was feeling little weak. I had my mobile phone in my University bag. Some people in a car abducted me took me somewhere and raped me. I have so many reasons to blame self- (1) Why was I alone? (2) Why did I step out if I was feeling weak? (3) Why didn't I keep my phone handy? (4) I must have looked an easy target, a weak person (5) Why didn't I try screaming and shouting... Now nothing can change but whenever I get my symptoms of PTSD somewhere I feel my actions led me to this...my. carelessness led me to the pain I am suffering. The people who did this are at fault but even I am not faultless. I wish I could forgive myself soon.
My safe space to vent and express (TW: Ga*gr***, Attempt to Mur***, PTSD)
Trauma Support / by energeticThinker3129
Last post
 March 11th, 2023
...See more Uhmm...so I will try writing my feelings and thoughts here which I find it hard to talk about with others and my words can be triggering, so if you read this please do that with caution (your well being should be your priority❤) Will start from tomorrow!
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