...See more
Hello, I'm 16 and I want to share my problem with you because I find it hard dealing with it by myself. This post might be a bit chaotic, I'm sorry. Let me start. When I was really young (2years old maybe??) my biological mother died due to brain cancer. My father was already divorced with my mom, but after her death he became an alcoholic. My maternal aunt hated my dad because of that, and she hated me as well (I have no idea why). So i moved again (at first i moved from my mother's house to my dad and my grandma, and the second time from my dad and grandma to my aunt and her family). Everyone was bullying me there, but as a child i didn't understand it, but now it affects me a lot (i will explain later how). I used to see my dad only during weekends btw. I was dehydrated because i was only allowed to dring one cup of water per day, so in my sleep i had a hallucinations of drinking water. After a few years, when I was 6 my aunt decided to give me to a foster family. I was there for a year, and this place taught me responsibility. It wasn't a nice place as well (but deffinitely better than my aunt's house) because there was collective responsibility there, and when someone did something inappropriate, someone else was put in the attic for 4 hours, for example, which also happened to me. Then when I was 7 i was adopted by a married couple, so I moved again. At first it was really nice, later it was worse but now its cool, so imma skip the worse part. And I was thinking it didnt affect me, because i wasn't even sad because of those things BUT i think it actually MADE A LOT OF BAD THINGS TO ME, and now I will tell you why. 2 years ago, I fell in love through the internet, same age as me, he gave me a lot of attention and yeah he is just great but now after a 2 years I still didn't met him, because my parents are strict (im going to meet him on holiday), but I can actually assure you that he is faithful, and he is dating to marriage type of guy. During those 2 years I had A LOT of mental breakdowns, I was breaking up with him and stuff like that but i always apologised and he would understand me, because he knows my history. And one month I noticed he started playing Valorant more, he is more focused on his friends than on me. It made me think really werid thoughts (i cant use the word but u know what i mean). For a month straight I'm histerically crying EVERY DAY, because im overthinking and stuff. It made me notice, I might have the SAD (Separation Anxiety Disorder) because of my mothers death and a lot of house movings (I don't know how to call that, because im not English). I forgot to add, that 1,5 year ago I was diagnosed with severe depression, and I was taking antidepressants for a 6 months, but my strict mother made me stop, cause she doesn't like mental doctors. So I noticed i might have the SAD, and i feel horrible. Okay and now first: i will probably meet my bf for the first time in FEW MONTHS and im sooo anxious, because im really insecure about myself and im even more afraid he will drop me. I won't be able to handle that. SECOND, he promised he will always love me, so I KINDA belived him, and if he wont break up with me on the first date, i know he will never do this SO here are my plans: in 2 years i will go to the university in his city just to be next to him, I will even ask him to live in my place because my parents told me, that they will buy me an apartment there. A lot of people told me that im not stable enough to be in a relationship but i really love him and i CAN'T leave him, he is the main meaning in my life, and my goal is to make him the happiest man on earth. So my question is, what do I do to escape the Sepatarion Anxiety Disorder (because it makes me unable to do anything) and depression without meds and a psychologist? (I will take meds and go to a psychotherapy in 2 years, but at the moment I have to deal with my problems somehow without it). PLEASE DONT TELL ME TO BREAK UP, BECAUSE ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I NEED OTHER ADVICES.