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evalstarshine07
1 128 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceFebruary 18, 2018
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"You don't seem like you have BPD"
Personality Disorders Support / by evalstarshine07
Last post
 March 5th, 2018
...See more Hi everyone I'm new here, I wanted to create a forum but I don't know how to do that. I had a really triggering consultaion with a potential therapist today yeah that didn't work out but it motivated me to get online and share my storrt so here I am. I want to share something I wrote today... You dont see like you have BPD Im 28 years old I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I am also a functional member of society and I am sick and tired of hearing you dont seem like someone with BPD. I am a full-time college student, I get good grades, I kick ass at my job and I wear a smile on my face and most (days) I am happy. This does not change how I feel at night when I am alone or when Im with my partner and the explosive, dramatic shifts in moods, my black/white thinking, the overwhelming emotions that take control of me that threaten my relationship every day. The intense fear of abandonment, the distorted self-image, the insecure attachment. One moment everything is fine and dandy, the next I am fighting with my partner pushing him away I hate him, I hate myself, I hate my life, we should break up, Im not good enough, hes not good enough, I am a monster. Then the next Im sorry PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME, please hug me, Im not mad any more, please dont be mad at me. I can see it happening, but I cant stop it. The depression, the self-harm I dont want to kill myself I just want some relief. The disassociation, sometimes the emotions consume me that I feel like I am falling, sinking into a pool of grey liquid, my body feels light and heavy, the room is strange. And the next day I go to school I go to work Im smiling, Im happy, Im a leader in my community, I (seem) to have it all together. You dont seem like you have BPD, thats funny because you dont seem like you know anything about me. Thank you for reading this, hope you have a beautiful day. Love & Peace, -EV
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