fightsong Member Profile

...See more It feels like ive spent my whole life doing the wrong thing. I knew going into this relationship it was wrong. I tried to end it so many times but i couldnt because i was weak. i was broken and hurt and he loved me so much. he knew everything about me and it felt so good to finally have someone truly care. I didnt have one friend or lover that cared about me before him. i constantly sacrificed myself for others and he was the only one to do that for me. Nearly a decade later i cant let him go and its costing me my life. Deep down inside i know its because theres something wrong with me. There has to be a reason people dont care about me. They dont check on me or support me. after i broke up with him i reached out to everyone i knew and it hurt so much to know that i had nobody. i think it hurt more than loosing him. thats when i knew i dont have anyone but him. the worst part is i know he doesnt have anyone but me. when i cant sleep at night i think about how horrible i am for hurting him for letting him go when i was the one begged him to never leave. i wish he could change certain habits and that they wouldnt affect my life and then maybe we could be togther. then i realize that the reason we cant work is so much more than that. family, careers, school, and goals keep tearing us apart. in the end we are just two people that found each other in the midst of all of our misery. we stuck together because we only had each other. we held each other night after night knowing that no one else would ever be there. i miss him so much. i miss hte way he knew me and loved me. i know i will never have that again. i dont desserve it. i had to do something anything to take away the pain of not having him in my life. I tried getting to know/ sleeping with someone else. it was a mistake. for months this new guy told me how much he liked me and wanted to date me. i think he thought i was so perfect because of my achievments and i finally went for it. he slept with me and didnt text me after that. now he sends me a text periodically but never responds to what im saying. im constantly left on read and i realize he just uses me. everytime we meet up i think i can be like everyone else and not develop feelings or just have sex for the pleasure. but i am not that girl, i cant do it. it hurts so much that he doesnt check to see if i made it home or check in to see how my week is going. im dumb because i wouldnt let anyone else in but i thought he was a nice guy. he was focused and kind and i thought he wouldnt be that way. i guess i thought wrong. my heart hurts so much more and sometimes i cant wait to sleep at night just so the pain will go away. now i realize that everyone just wants something. they dont care. there is no love. my "friends" are there when they need me. then theres the guys that pretend they care just so they can get what they want. im not sure why im typing this. looking for a friend i guess. but to be honest im not sure why i dont have any in real life now. there is probably something very wrong with me. time to stop reaching out and embrace the pain. that is all life has to offer me.

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