somewhere over the rainbow

@fightsong

Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.

It feels like ive spent my whole life doing the wrong thing. (This kind of mindset will more than likely affect everything you do, whether its about life or relationships. This kind of mindset could be something you grew up believing and got used to this kind of thinking). I knew going into this relationship it was wrong. I tried to end it so many times but i couldnt because i was weak. (It's wise to use the word "weak" here, it's more like the relationship made you feel a certain way you needed in your life so it made you afraid to lose it because of what happen without having that feeling). i was broken and hurt and he loved me so much. he knew everything about me and it felt so good to finally have someone truly care. I didnt have one friend or lover that cared about me before him. i constantly sacrificed myself for others and he was the only one to do that for me. (I get the feeling that its difficult for you to communicate your needs and wants to others, because in the past you were hurt for communicating this. There's also a chance you constantly sacrificed yourself others because you didn't want to lose the people, it felt like death so you were forced to put others first. You were able to be yourself with this person, share your complete self, and met someone who was similar to you, however I could tell that you stay in this relationship for how it makes you feel, and for the pain and hurt you don't want to feel when its over). Nearly a decade later i cant let him go and its costing me my life.

Deep down inside i know its because theres something wrong with me. (There's nothing wrong with you, it's just the introduction of this world was not the safest). There has to be a reason people dont care about me. They dont check on me or support me. after i broke up with him i reached out to everyone i knew and it hurt so much to know that i had nobody. (It's hurtful going through something so painful without having support from others, its true what they say...you know who are your true friends when you are going through the lowest point in your life, however it's not a good idea to generalize by saying "If they are not there for me, or check on me then they don't care about me", that statement has to do a lot with your past chilhood so its being trigger on here. The appropiate mindset is "Well I reached out to them, they didn't offer the support i needed. It's their choice, so ill seek support else where). i think it hurt more than loosing him. thats when i knew i dont have anyone but him. the worst part is i know he doesnt have anyone but me. (This tells me you both were heavily dependent on each other, its like your happiness and well being was depedent on him, just like his happiness and well being was dependent of you, so this creates problems because you are both looking to soothe those issues with one another, and theres a chance that you two needs and wants were not met in the past). when i cant sleep at night i think about how horrible i am for hurting him for letting him go when i was the one begged him to never leave. (well you decided to end the relationship because you didn't want to be in it, so its understandable it would end, but his hurt mostly comes from his past and issues, not exaxtly what you did. The reason you beg him was to soothe (calm down) your own anxiety, fears) i wish he could change certain habits and that they wouldnt affect my life and then maybe we could be togther. (I noticed that you both need a lot of hard work to overcome each other issues because it's hard to have a relationship when both people are not emotionally available, it might work if one side knows about relationships and doesn't have tons of issues, but it's hard when both people have things like; Abandonment issues, anxiety issues, depression issues and many more). then i realize that the reason we cant work is so much more than that. family, careers, school, and goals keep tearing us apart.(Well those are good reasons as well, but the core or the root is the kind of unsolved issues you two have since you two childhood and past) in the end we are just two people that found each other in the midst of all of our misery. we stuck together because we only had each other. we held each other night after night knowing that no one else would ever be there. i miss him so much. i miss hte way he knew me and loved me. i know i will never have that again. i dont desserve it. (You deserve to be loved and cared, to have the kind of relationship of their dreams. One of the reasons you didn't want to leave even though you wanted was because of fear of loneliness, fear of never having this once you leave and many other things)

i had to do something anything to take away the pain of not having him in my life. I tried getting to know/ sleeping with someone else. it was a mistake (In here you are looking to soothe your anxiety and pain by any means such as sleeping with someone else, so then the guy becomes an object to soothe all of this, which then deep down it makes you feel empty that this person couldn't take the pain and hurt away or make you feel like the other guy. The best way is to improve on every area of your life, learning new things, knowing how to soothe yourself on positive ways where it'll help you overcome this, and many other positive things).. for months this new guy told me how much he liked me and wanted to date me. (This guy seems unsure of himself, trying to force things by sharing his feelings this way in the beggining, more than likely his needs and wants were not met. There's a chance he might have some sort of emotional issues. I sense some red flags with this guy.) i think he thought i was so perfect because of my achievments and i finally went for it. he slept with me and didnt text me after that. (That was not cool of him to do) now he sends me a text periodically but never responds to what im saying. (If he doesn't respond to what you are saying then this is a guy you dont want to have something romantic with, it seems like he is just focus one thing) im constantly left on read and i realize he just uses me. (The definetly this is not the right guy for you, you shouldn't have to put up with people like him) everytime we meet up i think i can be like everyone else and not develop feelings or just have sex for the pleasure. but i am not that girl, i cant do it. (He is not the right guy for you, you deserve far better than him). it hurts so much that he doesnt check to see if i made it home or check in to see how my week is going. (When it comes to friendship, relationships etc, its not a good idea to be attached to an out come or expectation because more than likely the person might not be able to met them so it will hurt you.) im dumb because i wouldnt let anyone else in but i thought he was a nice guy. he was focused and kind and i thought he wouldnt be that way. (What I'm noticing is that you are seeing guys who have a lot emotional issues, with a lot of red flags so more than likely they will hurt you because they are not emotionally healthy or available to be on relationships). i guess i thought wrong. my heart hurts so much more and sometimes i cant wait to sleep at night just so the pain will go away.

now i realize that everyone just wants something. they dont care. there is no love. (Not everyone is like this, you just need to be really careful with the guys you go out, get to know them fully before putting your heart out there. You need to be aware of red flags, of behaviors they have that makes you feel strange or turn off. If some of their behaviors make you feel strange or turn off then more than likely they are acting needy, coming too strong, trying to lock you down, so they should be avoided) my "friends" are there when they need me. then theres the guys that pretend they care just so they can get what they want. im not sure why im typing this. looking for a friend i guess. but to be honest im not sure why i dont have any in real life now. there is probably something very wrong with me. time to stop reaching out and embrace the pain. that is all life has to offer me.