fishbone531 Member Profile

...See more Today I did a little talk for an event and it was an interesting experience. I think the last couple paragraphs I kinda go off talking about my issue of wanting to be a good person too. My mom asked me to do a quick 5 minute speech/prayer for a neighboring parish. I'm not super religious by any means but being raised Catholic and much of my family being Catholic, I felt a little pressured to do it. I didn't really care for it, I wrote my speech very last minute. My mom mentioned that she put a word in with the priest hosting the event and felt that my experience being turned away from certain people at church would be good for this. I agreed to do it mostly for my mom but a little bit for myself. Every now and then I don't mind exploring my faith a little and doing things myself within my faith. When I first graduated from high school for some reason I decided to start driving myself to adoration and morning services. I guess I was just going through a lot in my life and the chapel and services were a serene and quiet place. very routine but also not too overwhelming (most of the time). being raised Catholic, mass just kind of happened on auto pilot. I didn't feel very good about my speech, especially after looking at previous years and listening to other people's speeches this year. I felt like I didn't connect to God enough. I felt like I wasn't formal and prayer/preacher-y enough for everyone. I didn't want to do it, I didn't feel confident in my writing and my experiences. Not being nearly as devoted and spiritually connected to my religion as others, I felt like my speech and story didn't really matter or wasn't good enough. I felt like my speech wasn't very well organized, I didn't feel like I focused on the theological aspect of it enough, I just felt like it was lacking. The time comes and I read my speech. I'm the fourth speaker so I'm right in the middle of the seven speakers. I had hand written my speech because I didn't think about printing it and I felt weird about using my phone in the church to read. I read my speech, very shaky and fast, but I got through it. I talked about my hardships I faced as a fresh middle school student and how that affected my faith. I honestly didn't think much of it but I talked about how I lost all of my hair due to my alopecia. I talked about how I was bullied. People spread rumors about me, people picked on me, I was harassed and questioned for things out of my control. I think what struck a chord to most was when I talked about my experience in church. I had an older gentleman behind me whispering comments about me under his breath. A little bit into the service, he leans over the pew to whisper in my ear that I either need to take my hat off or leave. I had never felt so mortified as a 12 year old girl. I was embarrassed and terrified by the act. Being a kid, I felt like my only option was to leave. I didn't feel like I could do anything or speak up. So I just got up and shamefully left my family and walked down the aisle with tears running down my face as I made my way to the back of the church to quietly pray by myself. At that point I didn't feel safe or welcome to pray and worship the Lord in his own home. I went on to talk about how a lot of this rejection and feeling of abandonment just made me feel more motivated to go to church and build a stronger relationship with God. I didn't realize my story had touched so many people and people cared for it until I got back to my seat and I heard dozens of sniffles from the audience. It meant a little more knowing half of them were my own family I've known for forever. After the event, I had so many people come up to me to tell me how touching my speech was. How incredibly strong and such a good person for how I reacted in those situations and got through them. I had family tell me they cried because they didn't know I was going through all of that. I just always seemed okay and fine, they just never thought of anything like that with me. I think that meant a lot to me. I don't like to communicate or openly show what I'm going through or feeling. It's not that I don't want the help but I guess I don't want to seem so helpless and lost. I've always kept things to myself, especially big feelings. it just never feels like there's anything to do about it so what's the point in expressing my feelings. I also just feel like I don't know how to talk to people close to me about these big feelings I had and have. I feel like I've always needed to be a little independent emotionally. what's the use in a support system when there's nothing to talk about? there's nothing to do about it. A lot of times, I feel like there's no need to stand up for myself and waste energy fighting someone. I've learned though that people will talk and say whatever they want to keep themselves above water whether it's true or not. there are people that think I'm an awful person and a cheater because I didn't speak up about a break up. I just felt icky talking about this person to other people but ultimately if I don't tell my story, no one will know the truth. I want to be a good person but the weight of guilt and frustration in myself make me feel like I'm so far from being a good person. I try to be nice and patient and open minded but I think I've really just let people walk all over me like a doormat. I don't want to be a doormat but I want to be a good person. I have just bottled things up so much that when someone steps on me in the right spot, I blow up and fall apart.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Caring and good listener

Reviewed Sep 14, 2026

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio