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forthesun
2,029 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 69 Compassion hearts32 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceJuly 6, 2021
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When alcohol is tied to creativity
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by forthesun
Last post
 October 17th, 2021
...See more What happens if I don’t want to stop. Alcohol is intimately tied to my creativity. Yes my sober self has it too, but my drunk self also has a different perspective. I’ve always seen both versions as some sort of team. But I have such a hard time stopping once I start. After 2 glasses I will drink until it’s physically not possible anymore. I blackout, blackout in the sens that I still look normal and interact but my short term memory does not get stored. I will ask the same questions in cycles when this happens because I forget the answers. With the years my 2 selves learnt to work together in that state. My blackout self would wrote notes in my phone for my sober self not to forget. Or in a music setting I would record short ideas blackout and remake them better sober. I have played live shows where I was blacked out on stage. Still I could play well and get through the songs because I knew them well and am good at improvising, which works well with short term memory. I have recorded albums like this too where people hired me and gave me too much, and i took it. The results were always good. My problem is not that I drink often but that I cannot stop when I start, on too of using it as a coping mechanism for unwanted feelings, social events and situations. But I find it difficult because every time I stop I feel like I am losing a part of myself. And I do appreciate that person most of the time. Which then leads to me thinking or lying to myself that I can be moderate, which then leads back to the problem.
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