When alcohol is tied to creativity

What happens if I don’t want to stop.

Alcohol is intimately tied to my creativity.

Yes my sober self has it too, but my drunk self also has a different perspective. I’ve always seen both versions as some sort of team.

But I have such a hard time stopping once I start. After 2 glasses I will drink until it’s physically not possible anymore.

I blackout, blackout in the sens that I still look normal

and interact but my short term memory does not get stored. I will ask the same questions in cycles when this happens because I forget the answers.

With the years my 2 selves learnt to work together in that state. My blackout self would wrote notes in my phone for my sober self not to forget. Or in a music setting I would record short ideas blackout and remake them better sober.

I have played live shows where I was blacked out on stage. Still I could play well and get through the songs because I knew them well and am good at improvising, which works well with short term memory. I have recorded albums like this too where people hired me and gave me too much, and i took it. The results were always good.

My problem is not that I drink often but that I cannot stop when I start, on too of using it as a coping mechanism for unwanted feelings, social events and situations.

But I find it difficult because every time I stop I feel like I am losing a part of myself. And I do appreciate that person most of the time.

Which then leads to me thinking or lying to myself that I can be moderate, which then leads back to the problem.