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freelanceind
1 372 M Embraced 3
PathStep 20 Compassion hearts30 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 19, 2024
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Caleb - 28 M

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I can't stop dreaming about my ex
Relationship Stress / by freelanceind
Last post
 September 21st, 2024
...See more Trigger Warning: Abuse I dated a young woman for about 3 or so years. She was my absolute best friend in the world and being around her brought a joy that I've never felt with anyone else. We had the same interests, taste in media, and sense of humor. On the surface we were perfect together. Behind the curtain, she was verbally abusive. She was physically abusive. She was often indifferent to my feelings when I was upset, which can be often as I'm a very emotion heavy man. Some of the things she said to me still occupy my mind on a near daily basis. I wasn't the perfect partner either. I would let things build inside of me and lash out. I never laid a finger on her, nor would I ever anyone else. I did, however, often say nasty things and raise my voice when I got upset. Naturally, we were destined to fail. No amount of breaking up and getting back together ever changed anything. The progress each of us showed individually would always inevitably undo itself when we got into any sort of petty squabble. We once broke up over the thermostat, it was that bad. Yet somehow I always remember only the good parts. The fun and healthy parts. With as many times as she struck me and told me things that made me feel like less than nothing, there were such good memories. I've never felt like part of a family, but I loved hers. She always made me laugh. The way she just looked at me made me feel like the most beautiful piece of art to have ever been put on display. I have a child and she always took such good care of her. She never treated my child in any negative way the entirety of our relationship. She was the maternal figure in my kid's life for about 98% of it at that point. My kid called her mom and loved her so much. I loved her so much. Even now, knowing full well how much harm she caused me, I love her so much. She hurt me, but she showed me love like no one else has come close to. I thought she was my soul mate. Absolute infatuation. That relationship ended about 2.5-3.5 years ago. I don't remember exactly when. But ever since we split up, I've had these incredibly vivid dreams in which we come back together. They feel so real. To the point where, generally, every one of these dreams involves us just being back together at an old house or her family's house. In these dreams I always even think "wow, I've dreamt and dreamt about this and now I finally have you again". They feel so so so real. Then I wake up and get hit with a splash of the world's coldest water. I sometimes wake up bawling. Sometimes I don't eat. I often have trouble going back to sleep. I may even purposely avoid sleep as to not experience having her back. The worst feeling about all of it is that no matter how deep these feelings of mine are, she was dating within a month after our split. She even admitted after we were apart that the relationship was just a relationship. Which it was, but as I said before, she was everything to me. The relationship, as horribly flawed as it was and as much as she wronged me, sits leagues above any other relationship I've ever had. She treated me like garbage. We've nearly been broken up at this point for as long as our entire relationship lasted. I've had two serious relationships since then. Yet somehow, she plagues my dreams nearly every night. What hurts the most is that these dreams aren't nightmares, they're genuinely so incredibly happy, waking up alone is what hurts so much. But with that said, I am self aware enough to know I shouldn't be happy to see her. I shouldn't miss her enough to be having near nightly dreams about her. With how she was to me at times, I shouldn't miss her at all. But I do, so so much. I don't know how to stop these dreams and I don't know how to move on. I apologize for the length of my message. I intended it to be short, but when I began typing it was hard to stop.
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