I can't stop dreaming about my ex
Trigger Warning: Abuse
I dated a young woman for about 3 or so years. She was my absolute best friend in the world and being around her brought a joy that I've never felt with anyone else. We had the same interests, taste in media, and sense of humor. On the surface we were perfect together.
Behind the curtain, she was verbally abusive. She was physically abusive. She was often indifferent to my feelings when I was upset, which can be often as I'm a very emotion heavy man. Some of the things she said to me still occupy my mind on a near daily basis.
I wasn't the perfect partner either. I would let things build inside of me and lash out. I never laid a finger on her, nor would I ever anyone else. I did, however, often say nasty things and raise my voice when I got upset.
Naturally, we were destined to fail. No amount of breaking up and getting back together ever changed anything. The progress each of us showed individually would always inevitably undo itself when we got into any sort of petty squabble. We once broke up over the thermostat, it was that bad.
Yet somehow I always remember only the good parts. The fun and healthy parts. With as many times as she struck me and told me things that made me feel like less than nothing, there were such good memories. I've never felt like part of a family, but I loved hers. She always made me laugh. The way she just looked at me made me feel like the most beautiful piece of art to have ever been put on display. I have a child and she always took such good care of her. She never treated my child in any negative way the entirety of our relationship.
She was the maternal figure in my kid's life for about 98% of it at that point. My kid called her mom and loved her so much. I loved her so much. Even now, knowing full well how much harm she caused me, I love her so much. She hurt me, but she showed me love like no one else has come close to. I thought she was my soul mate. Absolute infatuation.
That relationship ended about 2.5-3.5 years ago. I don't remember exactly when. But ever since we split up, I've had these incredibly vivid dreams in which we come back together. They feel so real. To the point where, generally, every one of these dreams involves us just being back together at an old house or her family's house. In these dreams I always even think "wow, I've dreamt and dreamt about this and now I finally have you again".
They feel so so so real. Then I wake up and get hit with a splash of the world's coldest water. I sometimes wake up bawling. Sometimes I don't eat. I often have trouble going back to sleep. I may even purposely avoid sleep as to not experience having her back.
The worst feeling about all of it is that no matter how deep these feelings of mine are, she was dating within a month after our split. She even admitted after we were apart that the relationship was just a relationship. Which it was, but as I said before, she was everything to me. The relationship, as horribly flawed as it was and as much as she wronged me, sits leagues above any other relationship I've ever had.
She treated me like garbage. We've nearly been broken up at this point for as long as our entire relationship lasted. I've had two serious relationships since then. Yet somehow, she plagues my dreams nearly every night. What hurts the most is that these dreams aren't nightmares, they're genuinely so incredibly happy, waking up alone is what hurts so much.
But with that said, I am self aware enough to know I shouldn't be happy to see her. I shouldn't miss her enough to be having near nightly dreams about her. With how she was to me at times, I shouldn't miss her at all.
But I do, so so much. I don't know how to stop these dreams and I don't know how to move on.
I apologize for the length of my message. I intended it to be short, but when I began typing it was hard to stop.
@freelanceind
It sometimes takes many many words to get our feelings out ....
As you think back we see only the best the good parts......... perhaps because we want that to be what it was. we want to forget how they treated us. that is the part we hold onto ... you will not have closure if there is such a thing until we look back and only see the bad not the good. Most people only remember vividly the good.
It most likely hurt like *** for her to play it meant nothing and you have questioned not her coldness but IF you can trust your feelings in a relationship.
Do not let her live rent free in your head. do you think she is up at night with dreams of you? or moved on ?
I appreciate your words. I do try my hardest to remind myself how poorly she treated me. It doesn't always help, but occasionally it does. I which I had an easier time leaving the good behind and understanding that the joy wasn't worth the pain. It's very easy to say in theory, but in practice, no matter how aware of the situation I am, my brain just can't process those good moments as anything other than the best time of my life.
As far as I know, at this point she's been with someone else for about 2 years. She lives in her favorite place. She has a new car and job. She sees happy, which is great. I hope she is happy. She maybe done me poorly, but she was just as mentally unwell as I am. And maybe I use that subconsciously as a way to justify how things were with her.
So I think she's happy. I hope she's happy. I'm not resentful, I'm just itching and begging to move on.
@freelanceind,
I can relate to your story. I'd get emotional , raise my voice and use hard words too often. My ex would withdraw, close down, stonewall me and invalidate my feelings, responding with "yes/no" , "true/false" responses . I'd feel totally unheard and not understood.
It's been 2.5 years since I left her house. She wanted me to leave as I was the stress in her life she said. Yet she's always said she wanted to become close friends. Reaching out, withdrawing, until I had enough.
I still love her, she's the love of my life. I immigrated into a foreign country to grow old together. I know she still loves me.
Something, things don't work out. I think sometimes people have a rare unique bond. And sometimes that doesn't work out as at least one of us acts as a mirror for the other person and reflects issues the other never really dealt with. I believe, based on my life experience, one can get too close to someone else, one can be too confronting, not on purpose. It's like you bring out the best and worst out of the other person. It's not personal, it's just what happens, it just means at least one person is not ready or not even able to fully commit to a heart to heart relationship.
I guess that's why you are having vivid dreams. You are still processing. Breathing exercises have help me a lot. I dream a lot too at times, it's like a huge wave coming in, for days, then it eases down.
I don't dream about my wife. But I do "feel" her at times. Like she's reaching out. When that happens I "say", " I love you too, no matter what" and "everything will be ok". And at times I "say", "this is too much, too intense for me, I'm gonna let you be, take care".
Cherish the moments you had, whatever happened means you can truly love and not many are capable of that. Also realize it didn't work out for a reason. And you can change and grow but can't tell others to (I had hope for a long time but realized my beautiful ex wife will never change and that's ok).
I can relate to this a lot. Especially about wishing for her to change. Thank you for your thoughtful words. In my situation, I'd beg her to tell me what to do when we argued. How to better help her in order for it to stop. But nothing ever worked. When we'd split up for a month or two before getting back together, I'd go to therapy and try my hardest to be better. She never even tried.
It used to make me so sad. No matter how I tried to deescalate, nothing ever worked. I felt powerless to save my relationship and powerless to do what I needed to in order to allow her to calm down.
I tried slowly talking things out, calmly asking for things to simmer down and for us to talk like adults. I tried the opposite and just leaving to give her space for hours. Of course initially I yelled a lot as I stated in my OP. But nothing ever helped. If she was angry at me, it didn't matter what I tried. I'd never pretend I was the only victim and act like I did nothing wrong, but I genuinely believe to this day that if she sought help with her temper, we'd still be together.
But as you said, if one of us got upset at the other, it was a feedback loop of terrible things said/done until someone really got hurt and either left or locked themselves in a room. Then the next day it was like it never happened, until it was impossible to move on from.