fruitybat92 Member Profile

...See more I live with my spouse and my adult brother, who has depression and has been living with us for years. He doesn’t contribute much financially or with chores, and it has caused long-term stress in my household and my marriage. For the record, my spouse also struggles with severe depression but does what she needs to to treat it and live. I’ve tried for years to talk to my brother about helping more, but nothing really changes in a lasting way. Recently, he quit his job, stopped taking care of himself, and things got worse. My spouse and I want to start a family, and we need the extra room and a more stable household. He has been living with me since 17. That was supposed to be a temporary work study for his high school graduation but my mom never took him back, said she couldn't afford him. Now he is 27. She does everything for him. Schedules his appointments, pays for his car, etc, and bullies me into cooking his dinners, driving him places though he has a license, picking up his meds, etc. I finally told my mom that my brother needs to move back in with her. I gave about six weeks’ notice and offered to help clean the upstairs space for him and even buy some furniture. This is the exact message: ‘Hey mom, I want to talk to you about (brother). My spouse and I have been talking a lot about our future, and we’re getting to the point where we want to start a family. That means we need our home to be set up for that, both financially and physically. I’ve supported (brother) for a long time, and I don’t regret helping him, but I can’t keep supporting another adult in my home indefinitely. So we’ve decided that he needs to move out by the end of March. And I want to be clear. this isn’t about whether he gets a job or goes to school. Even if he does those things, he still needs to move out, because our home needs to be for the family we’re building. I’m willing to help clean up the upstairs for him if you'll allow him there, and I’ll help get him a mini fridge and a couch and whatever he needs so he has a comfortable space. I want this to be a transition, not abandonment. But this decision is final and I hope you take it with understanding and empathy. I haven't talked to him yet, I wanted to speak with you and let you know what was up first before talking to him because its again, not kicking him out but him being here isn't serving him, and lindsey and I can't progress our lives how we want to while helping to take care of his living situation.’ My mom reacted very badly. She accused me of lying, brought up painful things from my past, said I’d be a terrible mother, and threatened to block me and dump my old belongings in my yard. She has blocked me in the past for long periods when I set boundaries, so that possibility is very upsetting to me. My sister is usually supportive, and on that night was initially, but now she’s saying both my mom and I handled it wrong and that I should apologize because I worded it poorly, which makes me feel like I can never do anything right considering for years people have told me to give a deadline (which is one of the ways I was wrong). I feel overwhelmed, guilty, and emotionally exhausted, even though I still believe the decision itself was the right one for my household. I also didn't initially go to my sister about the issue because she has her own problems, but my mom went to her to vent about me, and my sister messaged me to ask about my side. I initially told her not to worry about it but she called, so we talked. Today she said mom and I just need to talk to eachother but I am blocked on everything and if I approach her she just walks away. My sister said leave a note apologizing but I dont even think mom would read it. Right now I just feel hurt, confused, and I need an outside opinion that can be objective. I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was doing the right thing and now I don't know.

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