I'm So Confused
I live with my spouse and my adult brother, who has depression and has been living with us for years. He doesn’t contribute much financially or with chores, and it has caused long-term stress in my household and my marriage. For the record, my spouse also struggles with severe depression but does what she needs to to treat it and live. I’ve tried for years to talk to my brother about helping more, but nothing really changes in a lasting way.
Recently, he quit his job, stopped taking care of himself, and things got worse. My spouse and I want to start a family, and we need the extra room and a more stable household. He has been living with me since 17. That was supposed to be a temporary work study for his high school graduation but my mom never took him back, said she couldn't afford him. Now he is 27. She does everything for him. Schedules his appointments, pays for his car, etc, and bullies me into cooking his dinners, driving him places though he has a license, picking up his meds, etc. I finally told my mom that my brother needs to move back in with her. I gave about six weeks’ notice and offered to help clean the upstairs space for him and even buy some furniture. This is the exact message:
‘Hey mom, I want to talk to you about (brother).
My spouse and I have been talking a lot about our future, and we’re getting to the point where we want to start a family. That means we need our home to be set up for that, both financially and physically.
I’ve supported (brother) for a long time, and I don’t regret helping him, but I can’t keep supporting another adult in my home indefinitely.
So we’ve decided that he needs to move out by the end of March.
And I want to be clear. this isn’t about whether he gets a job or goes to school. Even if he does those things, he still needs to move out, because our home needs to be for the family we’re building.
I’m willing to help clean up the upstairs for him if you'll allow him there, and I’ll help get him a mini fridge and a couch and whatever he needs so he has a comfortable space. I want this to be a transition, not abandonment.
But this decision is final and I hope you take it with understanding and empathy. I haven't talked to him yet, I wanted to speak with you and let you know what was up first before talking to him because its again, not kicking him out but him being here isn't serving him, and lindsey and I can't progress our lives how we want to while helping to take care of his living situation.’
My mom reacted very badly. She accused me of lying, brought up painful things from my past, said I’d be a terrible mother, and threatened to block me and dump my old belongings in my yard. She has blocked me in the past for long periods when I set boundaries, so that possibility is very upsetting to me.
My sister is usually supportive, and on that night was initially, but now she’s saying both my mom and I handled it wrong and that I should apologize because I worded it poorly, which makes me feel like I can never do anything right considering for years people have told me to give a deadline (which is one of the ways I was wrong). I feel overwhelmed, guilty, and emotionally exhausted, even though I still believe the decision itself was the right one for my household.
I also didn't initially go to my sister about the issue because she has her own problems, but my mom went to her to vent about me, and my sister messaged me to ask about my side. I initially told her not to worry about it but she called, so we talked. Today she said mom and I just need to talk to eachother but I am blocked on everything and if I approach her she just walks away. My sister said leave a note apologizing but I dont even think mom would read it.
Right now I just feel hurt, confused, and I need an outside opinion that can be objective. I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was doing the right thing and now I don't know.
@fruitybat92
Has this silent treatment or acting mad worked before so you will just take the brunt of the situation.
Honestly you were very polite and clear about your brother and did not word wrong etc. your mom simply does not want him back either. being angry or acting hurt then saying something mean about your plans sound just like my mom used to do.
Not really. Like the treatment hurts but I don't really react to it or give her what she wants because I'm used to it at this point but that doesn't make it hurt less. Plus, of course, my brother is upset with me so right now I just feel exiled from most of my family while my sister is caught in the middle.
@fruitybat92 This situation sounds really tough, and I'm so proud of you for reaching out for help on here. It's great that you've been taking care of your brother, and I also understand that you and your spouse are looking to build a family. Would you feel comfortable or able to maybe schedule a meetup with your mom, sister, and spouse to discuss this altogether? It may be beneficial to get together and talk about the situation and future plans in person (while also remaining as calm and understanding as possible). It might also be helpful to discuss the situation with your sister and come up with some ideas together.
These are only a couple potential options for next steps, and it's ultimately your decision for how to handle the situation in a way that aligns with your and your family's needs. Please continue reaching out for help whenever you need it, and have hope. It will get better!! We're rooting for you!! Sending you love, hugs, and prayers 💗
So my sister called me back yesterday and we talked about it. She acknowledged that there was really no way I could have worded it that would have been taken well, and she did try to understand it as far as why I worded it the way I did. So she and I are good, we always are. It was just a jolt to the system because it felt like she had gone from one opinion to the total opposite. My sister and I can always sit down in person to talk.
My mother, on the other hand, won't have anything to do with me right now. We work in the same place (it is huge, and we are different departments) but if she even sees me she turns and walks away. If I leave a note on her desk, she won't read it. I'm blocked on everything. She does this when she's mad at me, and if I do try to talk to her, if I can get a word in, all she can say is,"You and me, we are NOT okay." So an attempt to sit and talk would be fine by me, but I don't believe she would show up, and if she did when she knew I was there she would leave.
My brother is also not talking to me now, and I still have to cook him dinner and such. What kills me is I guess he and my mom had actually already talked about him moving back in with her because he and my spouse had a very brief argument where we bought him dinner and he wouldn't eat it. She got upset because he doesn't have a job, and called him out on it and he messaged my mom and said he was not comfortable living with us, so he wanted to go home. The issue is, this is a pattern. In 10 years he and my spouse have had like 3 or 4 fights, amd everytime he wants to go home because he's uncomfortable. That was one of the things I told my sister when she asked why I worded it the way I did, was that this is a pattern. They'll plan on it until things settle again, and then he will still be in my house with me doing everything for him.
Everything is messy, and I feel totally isolated from most of my family right now and it is very painful, probably the hardest part of it all for me because I am being viewed as a villain. They don'trealize that I don't feel good doing this. I know my mom thinks I'm selfish and disrespectful but it isn't like this decision is easy for me. But he's been jobless for 2 months on March 8th, and he needs to understand I won't support this.
There is nothing anyone can tell you! You are an ADULT MAN! Nobody should be able to bully you make you feel manipulated etc! You can’t help anyone ( brother, your mate etc) they have to want to help themselves! Depression needs a therapist plus medication if it’s severe! You never allow anyone family or not to mess with your PEACE! I’m just telling you straightforward! If both of them don’t get the help they both need then you should consider starting over with someone who doesn’t have depression! You are only responsible for yourself unless you have little kids! People don’t even get the help they need but expect someone else to put up with their moods etc! Honestly hopefully you give your brother a time table to move out, and go back home with mom since she does everything for him! I have ZERO Tolerance for people who use DEPRESSION as a way to manipulate and take advantage of good hearted people! Best of luck to you
I am an dult woman** haha but thank you for the response. Yes, my spouse has said the same thing because she has struggled with severe depression her whole life but has still had to press onward. I think my biggest issue in this at this point is that any time I try to protect my peace, my mother punishes me by cutting me off, and this for whatever reason she can't see that my intentions are not ill. A friend suggested that after brother is out, I take a break from them for awhile. I may have to to get my emotional footing again.
Whatever you have said and done is absolutely okay. Don't feel guilty. Giving a timeline is apparently looks rude. But sometimes it needed. Moreover you are giving him 6 weeks to settle and also assure helping him.
Yes, the timeline was definitely needed. This has happened before, only for everyone to 'settle', which is exactly why I put the timeline on this one. The pattern is:
issue>he goes to mom and now he's leaving/I say he has to go> things cool down>issue.
So yes, this time I gave a timeline. Plus my spouse and I wish to adopt, and we only have a 2 bedroom house so its not feasible especially since he doesn't help pay for anything
@fruitybat92
I’m sorry this happened and apparently its still happening. I honestly believe you have been the best brother and son. Taking care of your brother for such a long time is sincerely outstanding. Your mom should be proud of you. You did one good deed but unfortunately was taken advantage of. It was me at one point in my life.
I’m sorry to say that your mom chose her peace and so should you. I guess she is just mad that you finally decided to do that. She thought she can prolong it as much as possible.
I truly feel how much you want to have a family and its never bad to think of such a beautiful future. The family you are trying to make comes first. It will hurt you more as you start taking decisions that will be best for you. It will also upset those around you when these decisions effect them. I know a thing or two about being treated with selfishness and taken advantage of.
Please don’t believe you are bad or selfish. If you were, you wouldn’t have taken care of your brother for so long and you still do knowing he’s not talking to you. Sir you have a kind heart where you know depression is an illness and its never someone’s fault for acting in some way.
I hope it gets better for you and you truly find the peace you want in life. It’s good to know that you still have a member in the family ( your sister) that you can talk to about this.
Please feel free to talk to us here for any support you need. We might not be able to solve your problem but you are not alone in this. We all struggle one way or the other but we come together here to find words that can make us feel good about ourself.