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Hi, i'm pretty new to this. I haven't been positing but i've done a lot of reading and silent rooting for all of you!! This is an amazing community and I thank all of you for your support!
I've been struggling with finding the right balance between myself and my family. Little background; I'm asian, come from a very traditional household. I am 24 and still live with my parents, mostly out of love and respect for them. I am the youngest in my family, which means I have been pretty spoiled and treated like a baby all my life.
I've been pretty good most of my life. Daily life schedule is work, gym, cook, clean, spend some time with my parents and then try to make time for my significant other before going to sleep. Pretty dull, typical, I know. Here's where I struggle. My parents, with very traditional values, do not like leisure time. Or they don't like to do things that they do not think is valuble towards being a "sucessful" person, and are against anything that goes against creating an image of being a serious person. I totally understand. They grew up with the evironment and culture where a person has to be serious and taken seriously in order to be heard or respected. I respect their wishes and try not to go out often, I've gone out with my friends about 3 times in the last year. Even then they still get upset and blow everything out of proportion.
To add ontop of that, my family does not like my significant other, mostly because he is not what most people view as "successful" or respectful. No college degree and smoker. Big no no in traditional values. But underneath all that he's a great person, great personality, humor, and respects me and my decisions enough that he's taken everything said and done with me in strides.
I might be making a moutain of a moe hill but here's why i'm struggling. I'm really trying to take into consideration my family's good intentions. They want the best for their children and are trying to prevent failures in the future, but I'm also finding it hard to find the line between controlling and support. I know they love me which is why they are doing what they're doing but I've been feeling like they're suffocating me.
I went out this past weekend to hang out with my friends because my parents were out of town. Feels like I'm sneaking around, but I'd prefer not to tell my parents because they'll just tell me I shouldn't go out to bars etc, etc. Of course pictures get posted on social media posted. I get a text from my sister, asking if i went out the night before. Of course when asked i'm honest. Yes, I went out with my friends for to celebrate one of their birthdays. Silence. Later that day, my significant other asks for me to go with him to his brother's birthday party. Of course because he had been nice enough to dd me the night before I promised i'd go. Of course again I didn't tell anyone. I get to the place with my boyfriend and see my brother in law. Not surpised, just hoping nothing will blow out of proportion. I go say hi and greet everyone else. My significant other knowing how my family reacts everytime I go anywhere, asks my brother in law "not to snitch." Not telling him to lie but don't blow things out of hand. I say it's fine, trying not to ruin anyone's mood and go sit trying to relax.
A few minutes later i get a call from my sister, of course, telling me how stupid I am for going out and not respecting my parents. She tells me that if I want to be treated like an adult I have to act like an adult and stop making stupid choices. (my sister also goes out occasionally, and before she was married)
Here's where I'm conflicted. Am I making stupid choices? I get it I should have at least told my parents where I was going anyways, but if i did, they'd tell me not to go out and tell me I have to be respectful and stay in. And if i go out anyways, they'll get even more mad because i'm disobeying and disrespecting. But because I didnt' say anything i'm a bad person for lying and disrespecting. I know what I have know I owe to my parents, but where do I draw the line? I want a social life, I want to interact with people outside of work and home. I want to spend time with my significant other and want to have fun still. Am I too selfish for wanting these things even understanding that my parents do not like it?
I've been told by my family that i need to be held accountable for my own actions, but doesn't it go both ways? I just feel like if they were more understanding and less controlling I would be more open. I want to have them understand, but they've shut me down constantly. I know they do it out of fear of me ruining my reputation, and I try to respect their wishes. I just want the same respect and trust. What am I doing wrong?
I know it's long if you stuck around to the end, thank you!
I really appreciate feed back! I need as much advice as i can get!!
