goldenVase9745 Member Profile

...See more I've been in an on and off relationship with my partner since 2 years and it makes me so anxious that i feel so stuck what to do next.. He surely does express his love but at times there are certain things he doesn't tell correctly in turn making me feel so anxious. We met in a family function and he doesn't even claim to his close ones that he's in relationship with me. When I ask him that why he has to act single, he has an excuse that if our families get to know it might be a problem. And we do have an age gap of 6 years. Recently last year we broke up because I caught him lieing and cheating to me even when he confessed out his sister that he had feelings for me. About the thing when I caught him we had another fight before this due to which we broke up again. He came back last year calling me that he couldn't live without me and that he wanted to be with me. I came back again and then he even came to meet me. But now since he's busy with his job and stuff, he doesn't feel like talking to me Or even if he does, it makes me feel as if it's a sort of formality. I'm trying to understand it's his important phase of life but it makes me anxious that he's still in contact with people he assured me he's not talking to. I cant let go of him but i can't keep my mind calm as well. After we started talking when last time he came back I tried contacting his sister, because it always made me feel that she didn't really like me. I messaged her to apologize and make her believe that i was actually never fake for her at all. When he introduced me to her, I made sure if she was fine. Not only this he has this girl who he claims to call his sister which makes me feel so confused. He even introduced me to her and first time she acted as if she hates me to death. The girl he claims to be his sister, assume A. When I started talking to A, she always used to talk about my boyfriend's ex that how all three of them lived together and always used to talk how she missed her. My boyfriend once told me he didn't even know A and rather she was his sister's best friend. But from A, I got to know he used to come to her home and that his cousin was A's sister's best friend. My boyfriend's sister once on call said that he doesn't even let A to tie rakhi except me whereas he said I let her tie rakhi on Raksha Bandhan. I feel like all of them had different opinions and made me feel so stuck. He lied to me about A many times. If she's his sister, why would anyone even lie that he had to take her with him to even buy a new car. I got to know from A that he convinced her to go with him and then on the way they drank beer and even stayed in a hotel. Coming back to the scenario when I caught him cheating, when I was angry I ended by saying that you and A dont even seem like brother sister relationship. If it was seriously like that why would you occasionally lie to me about her and even about the other girls, we are still together even after all this but it still makes me feel that he does talk to the other girls, makes time for them, because he used to call me earlier but now it's just he barely messages me, even if I feel anxious at times, he's never emotionally available for me, he ends up saying that he's already fed up with interview jobs and all and doesn't have time for how I feel.. But whenever he needs me, I've always been there.. I do love him alot but what he does for me really damages me.. Regarding cheating thing, there was one girl who he said proposed him while we were still in relationship. When I said that didn't you tell her that we are committed, he said she's no one to know about our personal life. I said I understand that, I'm not telling you to tell her you're with me, you could just say you're committed. He ignored that. Then when it was her birthday, I knew he would go and celebrate and this is what happened. When I said that I know you'll go he made me feel so guilty for so long by saying he never went there. But in reality I found from his food ordering account he actually went there and ordered his fav cake for her. When I confronted him and felt so hurt that I started crying so much, he said I was acting dramatic. He let it go by saying he didn't want to fight with me and there's nothing what I thought. We were just friends and I just went there to clear that there's nothing of that sort. There's one more thing that makes me feel weird. Since we have family relations, ever since the last time we started talking again, my cousin through whom I know him, stopped talking to dad for some reason, I don't know why. But he does love me. My boyfriend on one hand says that my cousin has a hint about us Or even his mother has a hint about both of us but it doesn't make me feel like it, when ever I try to confront him by saying that you always act like I'm like a lil kid in front of them, he says he can't let anyone know. And has maintained even more strong relations with my cousin's family. He says he does all this so that it's easy for both of us to be together. But it makes me feel that in future if everything I think turns out to be the same way again, or even if I try to confess it to the family that he did this to me, no one would trust me. The cousin, who has already stopped talking to my dad wouldn't even believe me and rather defend him because he's been there for them no matter what. But it makes me feel so double minded that I don't even know what to do. Even on the Valentine's Day, he ignored me by saying that he went with his friend to celebrate his birthday and took his grandmother for outing. I can't believe what he says but still makes me believe that he never cheated. I feel so stuck. How do I heal from this and let it go. I really need help. He says that even after we get married he would want me to be away from his life for 1 year so that "I enjoy my life as per my terms". He knows I can't stay away from him rather it's him who wants to stay like that. When I said about adjusting, he seemed like he was offended and said, well do you really expect I would leave my job for you and bring everyone with you so that YOU are not alone? I really felt so bad. If this is the case when we are in relationship, it makes me feel that my life will be ruined if I marry this person in future.. He makes me feel needy all the time in front of everyone. He has his excuses that he's not expressive.. I don't wanna feel like this. I really don't deserve this. The reason I came here to share my story is because I don't know how my family will react if I tell them this. I feel that even if I might be overthinking and this might not be the case, I might end up ruining everything and eventually lose everything. But if the conditions turn out to be actually like this, how do I make me feel fine and make him realize that he's been doing so wrong to me when I never ever faked anything for once. I know you might say that if it were to make him realize he was wrong, he would have realized it in very beginning when he started lieing to me. I really don't want to feel this way. How can I be at peace with myself and detach myself if this is really wrong. I really want to forget all this, get out of this and start a new life for myself. I constantly feel alone and needy and can't even express how I feel emotionally. Please help me.

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