My current relationship makes me feel anxious even after knowing that my partner has emotions for me
I've been in an on and off relationship with my partner since 2 years and it makes me so anxious that i feel so stuck what to do next.. He surely does express his love but at times there are certain things he doesn't tell correctly in turn making me feel so anxious. We met in a family function and he doesn't even claim to his close ones that he's in relationship with me. When I ask him that why he has to act single, he has an excuse that if our families get to know it might be a problem. And we do have an age gap of 6 years.
Recently last year we broke up because I caught him lieing and cheating to me even when he confessed out his sister that he had feelings for me. About the thing when I caught him we had another fight before this due to which we broke up again. He came back last year calling me that he couldn't live without me and that he wanted to be with me. I came back again and then he even came to meet me. But now since he's busy with his job and stuff, he doesn't feel like talking to me Or even if he does, it makes me feel as if it's a sort of formality. I'm trying to understand it's his important phase of life but it makes me anxious that he's still in contact with people he assured me he's not talking to. I cant let go of him but i can't keep my mind calm as well. After we started talking when last time he came back I tried contacting his sister, because it always made me feel that she didn't really like me. I messaged her to apologize and make her believe that i was actually never fake for her at all. When he introduced me to her, I made sure if she was fine. Not only this he has this girl who he claims to call his sister which makes me feel so confused. He even introduced me to her and first time she acted as if she hates me to death.
The girl he claims to be his sister, assume A.
When I started talking to A, she always used to talk about my boyfriend's ex that how all three of them lived together and always used to talk how she missed her. My boyfriend once told me he didn't even know A and rather she was his sister's best friend. But from A, I got to know he used to come to her home and that his cousin was A's sister's best friend. My boyfriend's sister once on call said that he doesn't even let A to tie rakhi except me whereas he said I let her tie rakhi on Raksha Bandhan. I feel like all of them had different opinions and made me feel so stuck. He lied to me about A many times. If she's his sister, why would anyone even lie that he had to take her with him to even buy a new car. I got to know from A that he convinced her to go with him and then on the way they drank beer and even stayed in a hotel.
Coming back to the scenario when I caught him cheating, when I was angry I ended by saying that you and A dont even seem like brother sister relationship. If it was seriously like that why would you occasionally lie to me about her and even about the other girls, we are still together even after all this but it still makes me feel that he does talk to the other girls, makes time for them, because he used to call me earlier but now it's just he barely messages me, even if I feel anxious at times, he's never emotionally available for me, he ends up saying that he's already fed up with interview jobs and all and doesn't have time for how I feel.. But whenever he needs me, I've always been there.. I do love him alot but what he does for me really damages me.. Regarding cheating thing, there was one girl who he said proposed him while we were still in relationship. When I said that didn't you tell her that we are committed, he said she's no one to know about our personal life. I said I understand that, I'm not telling you to tell her you're with me, you could just say you're committed. He ignored that. Then when it was her birthday, I knew he would go and celebrate and this is what happened. When I said that I know you'll go he made me feel so guilty for so long by saying he never went there. But in reality I found from his food ordering account he actually went there and ordered his fav cake for her. When I confronted him and felt so hurt that I started crying so much, he said I was acting dramatic. He let it go by saying he didn't want to fight with me and there's nothing what I thought. We were just friends and I just went there to clear that there's nothing of that sort.
There's one more thing that makes me feel weird. Since we have family relations, ever since the last time we started talking again, my cousin through whom I know him, stopped talking to dad for some reason, I don't know why. But he does love me. My boyfriend on one hand says that my cousin has a hint about us Or even his mother has a hint about both of us but it doesn't make me feel like it, when ever I try to confront him by saying that you always act like I'm like a lil kid in front of them, he says he can't let anyone know. And has maintained even more strong relations with my cousin's family. He says he does all this so that it's easy for both of us to be together. But it makes me feel that in future if everything I think turns out to be the same way again, or even if I try to confess it to the family that he did this to me, no one would trust me. The cousin, who has already stopped talking to my dad wouldn't even believe me and rather defend him because he's been there for them no matter what. But it makes me feel so double minded that I don't even know what to do.
Even on the Valentine's Day, he ignored me by saying that he went with his friend to celebrate his birthday and took his grandmother for outing. I can't believe what he says but still makes me believe that he never cheated. I feel so stuck. How do I heal from this and let it go. I really need help.
He says that even after we get married he would want me to be away from his life for 1 year so that "I enjoy my life as per my terms". He knows I can't stay away from him rather it's him who wants to stay like that. When I said about adjusting, he seemed like he was offended and said, well do you really expect I would leave my job for you and bring everyone with you so that YOU are not alone? I really felt so bad. If this is the case when we are in relationship, it makes me feel that my life will be ruined if I marry this person in future.. He makes me feel needy all the time in front of everyone. He has his excuses that he's not expressive.. I don't wanna feel like this. I really don't deserve this.
The reason I came here to share my story is because I don't know how my family will react if I tell them this. I feel that even if I might be overthinking and this might not be the case, I might end up ruining everything and eventually lose everything. But if the conditions turn out to be actually like this, how do I make me feel fine and make him realize that he's been doing so wrong to me when I never ever faked anything for once. I know you might say that if it were to make him realize he was wrong, he would have realized it in very beginning when he started lieing to me. I really don't want to feel this way. How can I be at peace with myself and detach myself if this is really wrong. I really want to forget all this, get out of this and start a new life for myself. I constantly feel alone and needy and can't even express how I feel emotionally. Please help me.
Hi, I'm so sorry about your situation. Hope you know you deserve better. It's certainly not your fault that you can't trust your partner, since he doesn't give you any reason to. Your doubts are legitimate. It seems to me that you are aware that you are not with the right person for you: what stops you from breaking up with him? What are you afraid of losing or ruining? It honestly seems to me that by being in this relationship, you are already ruining your mental health and losing your self-esteem. Please, if you are aware of all this (as it appears you are) seek help: connect with a listener, talk to someone you can trust. Hope you will find the peace you deserve.
He's been supportive of me when I was actually in a very bad mental health condition. I actually used to have weird dreams and nightmares through which he helped me out to get out of all that. Idk it makes me feel so difficult to leave him because after my mom's death, 3 years later I met him and he gave me that love. Also from his side, he lost his father when he was just 2. Reason I feel like coming back to him back and forth is I feel that I can't leave him alone. I find it difficult to break my promise and let him all alone. Because he cried in front of me whenever he missed his home. And at times, it makes me feel maybe I'm that void filling gap of his loneliness. Idk if its right or not or maybe I'm too emotional. 2 years back my father tried to consult a psychiatrist because of all those nightmares or whatever I faced, I used to go blank and not understand what to speak.
One more reason that stops me from even talking to my family is that there are certain things for which idk I find it difficult to trust and share with my very own father.
Second I just have grandma in my family who's also in her serious illness condition
I'm feeling everything all at once. I miss my mom in this situation that I don't have anyone in my family whom I can talk openly about how I'm feeling. Because in my family from the starting it had just been her with whom I actually shared everything be it related to any part of life
Yes I understand. However, you both should find a way to make this relationship work. Clearly you don't feel good being together with him. Love is not enough to make a relationship work, you need to trust your partner. And he needs to give you reasons to do. Don't be in a situation that makes you feel so uncomfortable, things need to be changed.
@goldenVase9745
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well.
It’s understandable how you feel about your relationship, the on and off can definitely cause a lot of hurt. There’s a lot of things that’s causing the relationship to be on and off, and from the looks of it they are things that have not been fully resolved. It’s definitely not okay that his family doesn’t know about the relationship, and it’s something it shouldn’t be overlooked.
One of the many things that kills safety in relationship is when one partner is not being honest. This can make you feel like he can’t be trusted, and will impact how connected and safety you feel in the relationship. His behavior seems all over place, if he couldn’t “live without you” then what was the need to make up lies. This is usually a sign of someone who felt completely alone and anxious, so he decided to reach out to get rid of those feelings. The two of you become closer, and then all of a sudden he becomes too busy…
It’s very important for a relationship to become a priority for both sides, and it also needs to have emotional safety. Your boyfriend seems to be putting priority on how he feels, and it’s minimizing how you feel. He has been behaving in a very inconsistent way, and this is something that will cause you to feel a lot of hurt and unsafe (which is normal to feel this way). I don’t like the way he has treated you regarding your concerns about the relationship. He is making you feel bad and guilty for feeling a certain way which is not okay. It’s also not okay that he’s ignoring you while spending time with other people.
He was very rude and disrespectful by saying “he would want me to be away from his life for a year so that “i can enjoy my life as per my terms”. He’s dictating terms, and making the relationship all about him. I understand you want to be with him, but he’s not treating you with the respect and love you deserve. He was also very rude and disrespectful by saying “ You want me to leave my job and bring everyone so you are not alone”, and “My life will be ruined if i marry this person”. He didn’t show any empathy or concern for how all of this made you feel, and deliberately tried to hurt you. The things he told you are enough to never want to have anything romantic or friendship with him again. He’s not a person you can have a healthy relationship, and i don’t see him change at all. I hope you are able to make a decision that best fits you.