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hazxkill9
1 3,065 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts167 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes29 Current upvotes29 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceAugust 3, 2023
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Alive, but barely.



Recent forum posts
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Recidivism - A Poem about ED Relapse
Eating Disorder Support / by hazxkill9
Last post
 February 24th, 2025
...See more I wrote this poem because I wanted to showcase how living a chaotic life, where you feel like you have no control, can make you fall back into old habits, just to have an anchor to ground yourself again. I've "recovered" from my ED for 3 years now, but I find myself going back to it like it's my home.    A Home That Hurts When I put my shoes on and go for a walk, The demons chase me, they sneer and mock. I continue striding down the unwieldy path, Deafening myself to the echoes of relapse. Blisters bloom where I stumble, Knees kissed by gravel, yet I crawl. But my legs falter, my steps grow weak I tell myself to move, but I’m too fatigued to speak. I need to find a place to rest, And there’s nowhere but the cage I know best. I know it will ruin me, hold me tight, But its four walls keep me light.
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Recidivism
Poetry / by hazxkill9
Last post
 February 26th, 2025
...See more When I put my shoes on and go for a walk, The demons chase me, they sneer and mock. I continue striding down the unwieldy path, Deafening myself to the echoes of relapse. Blisters bloom where I stumble, Knees kissed by gravel, yet I crawl. But my legs falter, my steps grow weak I tell myself to move, but I’m too fatigued to speak. I need to find a place to rest, And there’s nowhere but the cage I know best. I know it will ruin me, hold me tight, But its four walls keep me light.
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Red Stripes
Poetry / by hazxkill9
Last post
 February 11th, 2025
...See more When my hands feel restless, they find their place on my skin, On my arm that's abnormally thin. My nails glide smoothly from side to side, Creating scratch marks that I cannot hide. Each mark is a scream I fail to voice, A silent war, not by choice. But once the moonlight starts to glow, My pale skin with red stripes show. And it keeps me awake at night, For the marks only burn once I'm alright.
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𝗟𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿
Poetry / by hazxkill9
Last post
 March 29th, 2024
...See more The world moves as every tick on the clock hits a groove. The water on the eaves is dripping, accompanied by a bell ringing. The bright, shining sun passes through my window sill and onto my eyes, struggling to open still. 9:00 a.m., it said on the clock, the two zeros seemingly staring at my face. Creating a vortex of confusion and shock, I was finally awake. Avoiding the morning yawns, I try to free myself from the hypnotic whispers of sleep. The invisible hand delivers a message that I am seeing, my dear, today. As I stood up, I grasped the button on the alarm clock and killed the ringing echoes across the room.    After getting ready, stumbling, and struggling, I was finally done with the self-pampering. With my hands trembling, I reached for the letters filled with smudged ink written throughout the year. As I examined the tear splotches on the paper, my emotions tapered. For what is love but the sacrifices you make? The screams of the alluring voices seem to agree, while the reflections of the past disappear. With one deep breath, I turned the knob. Greeted by the smell of fresh air, the sway of the palm trees, and cracked pavement, I walked. The rays of the crackling sun hitting my skin, the burns of my passionate love seeping from within. The reflections of my short dark hair, the flowers displayed in the shop, I stared. Hitting the flower shop's treads, a lavender bundle picks my eyes. Her favorite color, scent, and flowers—riveted around by a nicely tight ribbon. With so much care and love, I held it like a newborn child. Leaving the store, I heave. Her presence is what I need.      Hiking up a trail, I felt too frail. "I need her now," I said. "I want her now," I beg. Sticks and stones, skin and bones—I follow the intangible foot marks alone. With one last step, I reached the top; the mountain hill finally put me to a stop. From afar, I saw its figure, and the sunlight flickered. The air started to grow thicker as my heart pulsated quicker. At the sight of it, a part of me dies. There it was—the stone slab where my love lies. Beneath the sturdy slab engraved in gold rests her fragile heart. Yet her love stays inside of me, never apart. The girl who smells like lavender and has a radiant smile like no other. Never replaced, never forgotten, always loved—for you, I sacrifice all my beloved. I kneeled on the spiky grass, not afraid to stain my pants. With a heavy heart, I grieved as I placed the flowers beside her stead. Tears mingled with the scent of lavender, a final goodbye tinged by forever. The sun watched me, and the mountain held me. The wind whispered to me, 'Love never dies.' I'll remember. For our love transcends not only death but forever.
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A Foot Out The Door
Poetry / by hazxkill9
Last post
 August 23rd, 2023
...See more I'm always a foot out the door; I can never fully enter a room. I can never let myself be in the room, and feel the presence of everyone. I'm always there by the door, waiting if someone leaves. So when they decide to leave, I'll be ready to leave too.
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