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imaginativeTurtle7111
1,028 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceMay 30, 2021
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Grief and Trauma and PTSD
Trauma Support / by imaginativeTurtle7111
Last post
 October 5th, 2021
...See more Hey to anyone who may be reading this… I guess I’m writing to see if I can get some help. My grandma passed away 4 weeks ago today. The last time I saw her Alive and breathing was September 5th. She had lived with terminal brain cancer from her diagnosis is April 2020, and was doing rather fine up until the middle of July 2021. Just like that, she was admitted to hospital… and then more or less a hospice. I went every weekend…we talked, we laughed, we cried… that was profound. But I can’t come to terms with the last time I saw her Alive, the last time I saw her physical body, or the vast loss and sadness I feel without her. I tell myself I should’ve done more. If brain transplants existed I would’ve given her mine…yes she had a full life but I feel we did not have enough time. I feel robbed by Covid. I feel angry that I took things for granted. Life is slipping through my fingers and I’m trying to capture life and I just can’t it seems. The loses I’ve experienced in the past 4.5 years have been traumatic, the last two years of my life have been incessant. I feel panic and sad and full of guilt. I can’t bear to throw out even my visitor stickers from the hospice because it’s like a tangible reminder I was there…. That I didn’t leave her alone. Lastly, I know I can’t control others but I felt that some of my family did not move mountains to honour her and be there for her in her last hours. The day before she passed I sat with her for 4.5 hours. She wasn’t conscious. I held her hand, sang, cried, talked… I put cool cloths on her forehead and when she started getting secretions coming up from her lungs, I would scoop/wipe them from her mouth so she wasn’t struggling. Leaving her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My family said I was remarkable but really, everything I did was with love. Some family members (my cousins) didn’t even travel the 4-6 hours to our city to be there for her and that just makes me sad. Anyways, I guess I’m struggling a bit… anyone out there who can relate?
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