Grief and Trauma and PTSD
Hey to anyone who may be reading this… I guess I’m writing to see if I can get some help.
My grandma passed away 4 weeks ago today. The last time I saw her Alive and breathing was September 5th. She had lived with terminal brain cancer from her diagnosis is April 2020, and was doing rather fine up until the middle of July 2021. Just like that, she was admitted to hospital… and then more or less a hospice. I went every weekend…we talked, we laughed, we cried… that was profound. But I can’t come to terms with the last time I saw her Alive, the last time I saw her physical body, or the vast loss and sadness I feel without her. I tell myself I should’ve done more. If brain transplants existed I would’ve given her mine…yes she had a full life but I feel we did not have enough time. I feel robbed by Covid. I feel angry that I took things for granted. Life is slipping through my fingers and I’m trying to capture life and I just can’t it seems. The loses I’ve experienced in the past 4.5 years have been traumatic, the last two years of my life have been incessant. I feel panic and sad and full of guilt. I can’t bear to throw out even my visitor stickers from the hospice because it’s like a tangible reminder I was there…. That I didn’t leave her alone. Lastly, I know I can’t control others but I felt that some of my family did not move mountains to honour her and be there for her in her last hours. The day before she passed I sat with her for 4.5 hours. She wasn’t conscious. I held her hand, sang, cried, talked… I put cool cloths on her forehead and when she started getting secretions coming up from her lungs, I would scoop/wipe them from her mouth so she wasn’t struggling. Leaving her was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My family said I was remarkable but really, everything I did was with love. Some family members (my cousins) didn’t even travel the 4-6 hours to our city to be there for her and that just makes me sad.
Anyways, I guess I’m struggling a bit… anyone out there who can relate?
I can relate to this so much. My Aunt, she was about 80 years old, she was this fun, loving human being who always brought little things for me and my sister. She passed away 2 days before Christmas 2019. Worst Christmas you could say. Even though I felt like we didn’t spend much time with her, I know the time I did spend with her were the best. She used to bring me earrings every Christmas, and now I can’t find any of them anymore so I deeply regret loosing them. When I went to her wake, just seeing her body made me cry and drained everything out of me. She was my grandmas “mother-like” figure so to see my grandma cry made it worse. I always try to keep my Aunts spirit alive. I kept a pin from her wake with her picture on it, I look at it when I’m feeling lost. Just know your grandma is looking at you from above and her seeing you grow everyday just makes her so proud. Though people will see generosity as charity work, you should and always see it as love just like you do. The pure love you gave your grandma was one less thing she had to worry about on her bed. I wish I could’ve spent more time with my aunt. But her passing taught me that I should appreciate the people I have right now. As they too are temporary. The little things you did for your grandma, that was enough for her to have an easy resting. Keep being the kind person you are. Much love<3.
@imaginativeTurtle7111
It sounds like the grief you are feeling is inconsolable right now.
You have so much love for your grandma and she had so much love left to give. You did everything you could to show her how loved she was. Take as much time as you need to grieve her passing and hope the memories you shared help ease your pain.