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intelligentSail5026
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2018 Member sinceJuly 29, 2018
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Does it help to know someone is there for you?
Depression Support / by intelligentSail5026
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more I'm asking what feel like some dumb questions right now, but I'm hoping the only stupid question is the one you don't ask... When you're depressed, does it help to know someone is there for you, even if they're not present? I feel like I'm treading a fine line between letting my depressed girlfriend know I care, and becoming a nuisance and therefore pushing her away or making her feel worse. I'm not hitting her with promises of grand schemes and wild nights out when she 'gets better', just little notes to say I love her. Does it help to get little messages of support?
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Depression? Narcissist? Sociopath? Psychopath? Google is not my friend :-(
Depression Support / by intelligentSail5026
Last post
 December 27th, 2018
...See more My partner suffers with long term clinical depression. For the first three years of our on/off relationship, I didn't know anything about it, mainly because she'd made light of my ex-wife's depression, saying that I'd never encounter it with her because she comes from a background of 'pick yourself up and get on with it'. Looking back it was massive smokescreen. She has been keeping it secret for a long time, and I think she felt I would run a mile having come out of another relationship with a depressed partner. We've broken up and got back together many times over the past five years. The pattern has been much the same. Communication dwindles on her side. We have a fight - verbal not physical - and then she cuts off all communication for months. I'm talking the absolute silent treatment. It's a long distance relationship, so there's no opportunity to just pop round, or to bump into one another, contrived or otherwise. She told me in stages about her depression. The first major step was to leave her antidepressants where I would find them. The second, after three months of total silence, was to ring me out of the blue to tell me what she was going through wasn't my fault. Both those steps were in the past two years of a five year relationship, so the first three years, including break-ups, had some events and behaviours that I just couldn't fathom. When I was left searching for answers as to why she had completely disappeared the first time round, it was put to me by more than one person that I may be involved with a sociopath and a narcissist. That the glorious honeymoon period was just to get me hooked, and all the cold treatment, including the silent treatment, was just to feed the narcissistic personality. Extremely hard to swallow, as the first year had been amazing, but a distinct possibility. I am no expert, but there seemed to be too many examples of behaviour completely counter to what I understand sociopathic and narcissistic behaviour to be, and as you can imagine, I was desperate for the love of my life to not be someone who had set out with the sole intention of playing a huge game with me. So when I started to research clinical depression, peri-menopausal depression, post-natal depression (particularly in highly successful women) - yes, I was on a Google rollercoaster like so may go on, I guess - I realised that looking back through the 'lens' of clinical depression, many of her behaviours made perfect sense. The notion of the narcissistic psychopath receded. Right now we are in another of the long term silent treatment periods. I haven't heard a thing for six months. That's no replies to any forms of communication. Modern technology means I can see when things I send are read, but that doesn't mean they are not simply discarded or deleted. So I guess my questions are, does anyone here who suffers with depression ever shut out their partner for months on end? Or would you, if they didn't share your home, or live locally (she lives 600 miles away)? Can a narcissist still suffer with clinical depression? Am I excusing unreasonable behaviour? I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether I should move on (although by all means give it to me both barrels) as no one else knows the full story, but I'm happy to be there for her, but only if I'm not the only one who can't see I'm part of someone's twisted game.
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I don't know what I don't know :-(
Depression Support / by intelligentSail5026
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more Hi, Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place. I am totally new to this community. I don't believe I suffer with depression, though I recognise significant fluctuations in my mental health over the years, but I have been in an on/off relationship with someone suffering from clinical depression. I'm not asking for anyone to tell me whether I should stay in the relationship, but I am looking to find out whether some of her behaviours are 'normal' for an illness that I recognise as being hugely complex and lacking in norms. Like a lot of people, I've spent more hours than I care to remember scouring the internet for definitive answers, knowing that ithey don't actually exist, so I guess what I'm looking for is some reassurance that somewhere someone else is going through the same with a partner exhibiting the same behaviours. Please don't think I'm judging. I do my best to choose my language carefully, but as I've never suffered with depression, I know I'm in danger of trying to rationalise and normalise to fit my rather neat view of relationships. It's worth mentioning that we live in different countries, 600 miles apart, so seeing each other is not difficult but 'just popping over' is not possible. The first year of the relationship was amazing. Looking back, a few strange things that make more sense now, but pretty much that fantastic honeymoon period where everything is going fantastically well. Then, out of nowhere, she broke it off saying that we couldn't see each other until my divorce was finalised. I was separated but still married at the time. It seemed a very strange line in the sand at the time as we'd been involved for a year by then. She was happy to stay in touch, but it became apparent that communication from her side dwindled to a point where, with the caveat that it takes two to tango, she seemed to pick a huge fight from nowhere and then broke off all communication. To cut a long story short, we have got back together and broke up three times since then, but each time there is no obvious outward catalyst, and no obvious break up. She becomes more withdrawn and then disappears totally. There isn't necessarily even a falling out. Most recently this year, we were speaking on the phone, she seemed withdrawn and uninterested, the call ended, and I haven't heard a word since. That was months ago. No replies to texts, email, calls, WhatsApp, letters. There is the odd 'accidental' contact like her FaceTiming a close friend of mine by mistake and hanging up before the call goes through, or 'accidentally' replying without content to an email from me from years ago. I like to think of these as her telling me she's alive and kicking, rather than any sort of pulling my chain. There is a whole lot more back story to this, including what I've perceived as cries for help that at the time seemed fairly insignficant, but looking back were huge steps for her. I missed them all, because I didn't know what I was looking for. It was only when she left her antidepressants in full view one weekend that I knew for sure she was suffering. That was about two years back, so three years of the on/off relationship were very confusing - she had made some blase comments about depression in the early stages of the relationship, which meant I never included it in my thoughts when trying to explain some slightly strange behaviour when we broke up the first time. Looking back, it was a huge smoke screen, and it worked. My understanding is that she may have been suffering from depression as long ago as when her child was born 16 years ago, and/or when her marriage broke up 14 years ago, and possibly way back before then. It is apparent that she has been suffering a while and has become adept at hiding it from pretty much everyone. I think that will remian the same until at least the point where her daughter goes off to university. So, after all that, my question is this - is it common for a severely depressed person to 'disappear' totally for months on end? I don't mean go into hospital, or be unable to get out of bed, as every other aspect of her life seems to go on as usual, at least in terms of work and holidays (I'm too far away to see what is really happening). I realise this may sound very self-centred, but I'm trying to find out whether shutting out a partner for months is fairly normal, or whether my relationship has veered outside what may be considered reasonable boundaries. I'm not asking anyone to give me their advice as to whether I stay or go. I know she's worth the fight. It's more whether I'm kidding myself that there is something worth hanging in there for. Any input is welcome. Again, apologies if I'm on the wrong forum.
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