I don't know what I don't know :-(

Hi,

Apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place. I am totally new to this community.

I don't believe I suffer with depression, though I recognise significant fluctuations in my mental health over the years, but I have been in an on/off relationship with someone suffering from clinical depression.

I'm not asking for anyone to tell me whether I should stay in the relationship, but I am looking to find out whether some of her behaviours are 'normal' for an illness that I recognise as being hugely complex and lacking in norms. Like a lot of people, I've spent more hours than I care to remember scouring the internet for definitive answers, knowing that ithey don't actually exist, so I guess what I'm looking for is some reassurance that somewhere someone else is going through the same with a partner exhibiting the same behaviours.

Please don't think I'm judging. I do my best to choose my language carefully, but as I've never suffered with depression, I know I'm in danger of trying to rationalise and normalise to fit my rather neat view of relationships.

It's worth mentioning that we live in different countries, 600 miles apart, so seeing each other is not difficult but 'just popping over' is not possible.

The first year of the relationship was amazing. Looking back, a few strange things that make more sense now, but pretty much that fantastic honeymoon period where everything is going fantastically well. Then, out of nowhere, she broke it off saying that we couldn't see each other until my divorce was finalised. I was separated but still married at the time. It seemed a very strange line in the sand at the time as we'd been involved for a year by then. She was happy to stay in touch, but it became apparent that communication from her side dwindled to a point where, with the caveat that it takes two to tango, she seemed to pick a huge fight from nowhere and then broke off all communication.

To cut a long story short, we have got back together and broke up three times since then, but each time there is no obvious outward catalyst, and no obvious break up. She becomes more withdrawn and then disappears totally. There isn't necessarily even a falling out. Most recently this year, we were speaking on the phone, she seemed withdrawn and uninterested, the call ended, and I haven't heard a word since. That was months ago. No replies to texts, email, calls, WhatsApp, letters.

There is the odd 'accidental' contact like her FaceTiming a close friend of mine by mistake and hanging up before the call goes through, or 'accidentally' replying without content to an email from me from years ago. I like to think of these as her telling me she's alive and kicking, rather than any sort of pulling my chain.

There is a whole lot more back story to this, including what I've perceived as cries for help that at the time seemed fairly insignficant, but looking back were huge steps for her. I missed them all, because I didn't know what I was looking for. It was only when she left her antidepressants in full view one weekend that I knew for sure she was suffering. That was about two years back, so three years of the on/off relationship were very confusing - she had made some blase comments about depression in the early stages of the relationship, which meant I never included it in my thoughts when trying to explain some slightly strange behaviour when we broke up the first time. Looking back, it was a huge smoke screen, and it worked.

My understanding is that she may have been suffering from depression as long ago as when her child was born 16 years ago, and/or when her marriage broke up 14 years ago, and possibly way back before then. It is apparent that she has been suffering a while and has become adept at hiding it from pretty much everyone. I think that will remian the same until at least the point where her daughter goes off to university.

So, after all that, my question is this - is it common for a severely depressed person to 'disappear' totally for months on end? I don't mean go into hospital, or be unable to get out of bed, as every other aspect of her life seems to go on as usual, at least in terms of work and holidays (I'm too far away to see what is really happening).

I realise this may sound very self-centred, but I'm trying to find out whether shutting out a partner for months is fairly normal, or whether my relationship has veered outside what may be considered reasonable boundaries. I'm not asking anyone to give me their advice as to whether I stay or go. I know she's worth the fight. It's more whether I'm kidding myself that there is something worth hanging in there for.

Any input is welcome. Again, apologies if I'm on the wrong forum.