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introvertinthehouse
261 M Embraced 2
PathStep 49 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2020 Member sinceJuly 5, 2020
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I'm tired of feeling like a let down.
35 & Over Community / by introvertinthehouse
Last post
 March 4th, 2021
...See more I'm a 40yo sahm.I have depression, anxiety/ panic attacks, ocd, a circadian rhythm 'malfunction', and am constantly fatigued. I have 2 kids at home, 18yo boy w/autism (mentally he's about 9-10yo) and a host of other medical issues, and a 15yo girl with both mental illnesses (mood disorder, most likely cyclothymic or bipolar), anxiety, and physical issues which cause her joints to frequently sublux. My husband is a hard worker, both at his job and at home, and he consistently works on improving himself. I feel like I'm a constant failure to him and our family because I can never seem to get anything done. There are constant piles of clutter, laundry, etc... my kids take on chores, and my husband does chores when he gets home from work. We've had our fights, and we've gone to an elder and his wife, as well as our evangelist for help. Usually things get better for a bit, but then they fall apart again. I frequently feel misunderstood. I feel like no matter how I try to explain it my husband doesn't really understand. He gives me room, tells me he's sorry when I'm having a particularly bad day, but it often just feels like words he says because he doesn't know what else to say. He works hard to help out around the house, but the harder he works the worse I feel and the worse my self esteem gets. I know he's frustrated inside, and it often shows in the sharp remarks he sometimes makes, and he doesn't even realize he's doing it most of the time. I'm not happy living like this, but I don't feel that I mentally or physically have the energy to do anything about it. And when I do try, and fail, it feels like it just reinforces how useless and lazy I am. I've often thought about separation, but on top of it being so overwhelming of a thought/ action, I have no money, and with where I am right now in my life, there's no way I could get a job, and I can't apply for disability benefits. I want to be able to do better, to have energy again, to not be stressed out all the time, but I don't think I can while I'm around my husband, and at the same time I don't feel like I can do this on my own.
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