I'm tired of feeling like a let down.
I'm a 40yo sahm.I have depression, anxiety/ panic attacks, ocd, a circadian rhythm 'malfunction', and am constantly fatigued.
I have 2 kids at home, 18yo boy w/autism (mentally he's about 9-10yo) and a host of other medical issues, and a 15yo girl with both mental illnesses (mood disorder, most likely cyclothymic or bipolar), anxiety, and physical issues which cause her joints to frequently sublux.
My husband is a hard worker, both at his job and at home, and he consistently works on improving himself.
I feel like I'm a constant failure to him and our family because I can never seem to get anything done. There are constant piles of clutter, laundry, etc... my kids take on chores, and my husband does chores when he gets home from work.
We've had our fights, and we've gone to an elder and his wife, as well as our evangelist for help. Usually things get better for a bit, but then they fall apart again.
I frequently feel misunderstood. I feel like no matter how I try to explain it my husband doesn't really understand. He gives me room, tells me he's sorry when I'm having a particularly bad day, but it often just feels like words he says because he doesn't know what else to say. He works hard to help out around the house, but the harder he works the worse I feel and the worse my self esteem gets. I know he's frustrated inside, and it often shows in the sharp remarks he sometimes makes, and he doesn't even realize he's doing it most of the time.
I'm not happy living like this, but I don't feel that I mentally or physically have the energy to do anything about it. And when I do try, and fail, it feels like it just reinforces how useless and lazy I am.
I've often thought about separation, but on top of it being so overwhelming of a thought/ action, I have no money, and with where I am right now in my life, there's no way I could get a job, and I can't apply for disability benefits.
I want to be able to do better, to have energy again, to not be stressed out all the time, but I don't think I can while I'm around my husband, and at the same time I don't feel like I can do this on my own.
@introvertinthehouse
Hi, I just read your post and it sounds like you're really going through a lot, I just wanted to send you some positive vibes and to tell you that your feelings are very understandable. Reading through what you wrote I thought if maybe taking some time for yourself, apart from everything else, might be some help for you. Even if you're really really busy, as you described, and even if you have the feeling you should always be doing something more, maybe just take half an hour or an hour per day when you just stop thinking about all of those things, take some time for yourself to breathe, to do something that you enjoy if you want to, like writing or reading, or even just to sit for a while without the anxiety of having to do something. Just sitting in the moment, breathing, thinking about being kind to yourself and give space to the thoughts you enjoy and that relax you. Sometimes this moment of "detachment" and relaxation can help more than what we think at first. Just felt like suggesting this to you hoping it can relate to you and might help in any way! Wishing you all the best and here if you would like to talk 💖
There used to be times when I would have left over food piled up for a week and the only time I would get rid of them would be before my parents would show up every weekend. I only do laundry of my underwear and haven't done laundry for my regular clothes in months. I can't get rid of the clutter no matter how hard I try. You are not useless nor lazy.
