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intuitiveOcean1940
1 55 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceOctober 10, 2021
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Don't know if it's over or not
Relationship Stress / by intuitiveOcean1940
Last post
 October 11th, 2021
...See more Hello all. I don't know how long these are allowed to be so I apologize ahead of time. About 5 years ago my husband started on a transgender journey after 8 years of marriage. I tried my best to be open, but I knew intimacy was lost when I became tearful each time we were intimate and trust was damaged as he refused to talk to me about what he was going through. I initiated a separation, though I still loved him and was supportive of his journey. He ask that I not move out and so I stayed (he has a history of depression that at times is debilitating and I wanted to continue to be there for him for those episodes as well), we cohabitated well though it was tough at times. We sort of got comfortable in that situation for 3 years. A few months ago he said he needs space and is ready for me to move out though he knows I don't have the funds so it's no rush (his parents own the house we live in). With the help of my parents I figure out what I can afford and start looking at houses. My husband who I usually talk to about everything then says he doesn't want to hear about my house hunting because it's too hard for him. So I stop updating him. I am now under agreement on a house that I don't really love and can only afford because it comes with an apartment on the top floor and I have to be a landlord which is giving me tons of added anxiety. And for the first time since separating I look at the whole situation and is this really the end, we haven't even talked about it. I have realized I want to make things work with my husband. He's stopped drinking (was a non-abusive alcoholic for the first 10 years of our marriage), as far as I'm aware is no longer on a transgender journey, and is actively maintaining and helping me around the house. Same personality that I have ways loved is there and I felt the urge to be intimate with him the other day. I expressed this to him and he replied with full anger, saying how dare I say this to him when he was just starting to try and move on and then said nothing else. So I reached out again after about a week saying I still loved him and wanted to fight for us and does any part of him feel the same. Again came back with rage saying what is wrong with me and I am never allowed to bring this up again he will be the one to bring it up if ever. I moved back in with my parents that night. Has been almost a week and in that week I've been diagnosed with major depression disorder and started on medications to help my panic attacks and endless crying spells. I feel ashamed at how poorly I'm handling everything and incredible anxiety because I don't know if he is done with us or thinking and deciding, holding this conversation completely in his court now. I pray every night we can somehow work things out but I have a horrible feeling I've lost my love and my best friend. So if you're still here after all that, thank you for listening and any words of encouragement would be appreciated.
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