Don't know if it's over or not
Hello all. I don't know how long these are allowed to be so I apologize ahead of time. About 5 years ago my husband started on a transgender journey after 8 years of marriage. I tried my best to be open, but I knew intimacy was lost when I became tearful each time we were intimate and trust was damaged as he refused to talk to me about what he was going through. I initiated a separation, though I still loved him and was supportive of his journey. He ask that I not move out and so I stayed (he has a history of depression that at times is debilitating and I wanted to continue to be there for him for those episodes as well), we cohabitated well though it was tough at times. We sort of got comfortable in that situation for 3 years. A few months ago he said he needs space and is ready for me to move out though he knows I don't have the funds so it's no rush (his parents own the house we live in). With the help of my parents I figure out what I can afford and start looking at houses. My husband who I usually talk to about everything then says he doesn't want to hear about my house hunting because it's too hard for him. So I stop updating him. I am now under agreement on a house that I don't really love and can only afford because it comes with an apartment on the top floor and I have to be a landlord which is giving me tons of added anxiety. And for the first time since separating I look at the whole situation and is this really the end, we haven't even talked about it. I have realized I want to make things work with my husband. He's stopped drinking (was a non-abusive alcoholic for the first 10 years of our marriage), as far as I'm aware is no longer on a transgender journey, and is actively maintaining and helping me around the house. Same personality that I have ways loved is there and I felt the urge to be intimate with him the other day. I expressed this to him and he replied with full anger, saying how dare I say this to him when he was just starting to try and move on and then said nothing else. So I reached out again after about a week saying I still loved him and wanted to fight for us and does any part of him feel the same. Again came back with rage saying what is wrong with me and I am never allowed to bring this up again he will be the one to bring it up if ever. I moved back in with my parents that night. Has been almost a week and in that week I've been diagnosed with major depression disorder and started on medications to help my panic attacks and endless crying spells. I feel ashamed at how poorly I'm handling everything and incredible anxiety because I don't know if he is done with us or thinking and deciding, holding this conversation completely in his court now. I pray every night we can somehow work things out but I have a horrible feeling I've lost my love and my best friend. So if you're still here after all that, thank you for listening and any words of encouragement would be appreciated.
Hmm, supporting someone changing through a relationship when he's angry about sēx with the ex he's living with. No, dont think so,move on. I know it's hard starting again, but what choice do you have when they have no interest in you..
@intuitiveOcean1940,
that is quite a story.
Brave of you to be vulnerable and share.
Do not rent a place that doesn't feel good. Be kind and gentle to your true self, don't rent the place.
Seems to me that, apart from your story, there is a lot of love between the two of you. Not the usual romantic love, seems it goes way deeper. The kind of love that is really worth fighting for.
I don't know your husband, his side of the story, and if I would, I would do the same, sharing a bit of my story.
I've been depressed (one-off, beat it all by myself). And anxious. I am a very nice guy, but at times I can get very (and I mean) very angry.
You know, if you get angry, you can't listen to reasoning anymore. Like it gives you a boost, a kick. Later, after easing down, you look and you see Hiroshima after being bombed.
The more you love someone, the harsher your words. There is a lot behind your husband's anger, and I mean a lot.
I got help. I'll sort out my anger. It's a couple of triggers actually, they go way back. Doing most of the work myself. They have done so much damage throughout my life. There's stories behind it. There are stories behind your husband's behavior. Seems that he may need help. You too. And maybe the two of you.
You know, when I get angry, I'm desperate. Actually, I am afraid. Scared as h ell. And you know what? My biggest fear came true. What helps me to ease down? Give me a bit of time, for me it is a few minutes (used to be weeks at times). And, use my primary love language, psychical touch. Give me a hug (I know, not easy, you've just been vilified). And I do my own work, of course. Try not to get (too) angry as in, don't permit anger access. Take a deep breathe, let your anger go, and just say "I am so so afraid".
Maybe this helps a bit.
This link might be useful too:
Oh, and stop blaming yourself. You have done what is impossible for a lot of people.
You have a beautiful heart. So does your husband.
Love and warmth to both of you.
