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irime
287 M Embraced 2
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes16 Current upvotes16 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2017 Member sinceOctober 18, 2015
Bio

I a person discovering myself. I am transgender and have been dealing with depression from my gender dysphoria as well as other issues with anxiety and some other things. I hope to one day be able to see the brightness of life.

Recent forum posts
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Difference between situational and clinical depression?
Depression Support / by irime
Last post
 March 31st, 2017
...See more So I know there is a definition difference between situational and clinical depression. I know they can be diagnosed differently and have slight differences that can be present that "the experts" should pick up on to tell the difference between the two. I guess I am asking because currently all the people I have seen to try to treat my depression seem to be at odds on whether my depression is situational or clinical. I guess my question is, can it be both? I can give explanation for why I might have been depressed for every time I've felt like I do now in my life. I could make a good case for situational depression if we just focus in on the beginning of any depressive episode in my life and just the depressive episode itself. However, the length of my episodes leans toward clinical depression. Usually my episodes last for at least a year if not longer. Many would tell you that this is subjective because I've never been treated before for depression until now. I got very good at hiding. I quickly learned in elementary school to hide my emotions thanks to bullying. The counselor is sure that bullying is probably the cause of my first serious depressive episode when I was in late elementary. I nearly attempted suicide during that episode, the fact that I had a dog (whom I considered to be my very best friend) that I didn't want to leave behind was the only thing that stopped me. My parents are not even aware that I nearly commited suicide. I do not trust my parents, it was not the best family life. But that's why it's hard to say if it's situational that leads me into these episodes. I seem to just cycle between "I can manage life, but it certainly is shitty" and "dear god, I can't do this anymore." There's lots of bad moments in both stages. I realise this reveals that my brain is really wired towards the negative in my life. I can easily focus on the piles of shit in my life, but I can also acknowledge the good too. While my family life wasn't always the best, I knew that deep down my parents do actually really care for me, even if they haven't always demonstrate that in the best way. Their anger is often seated in "please don't make the same mistakes I did" even if they don't demonstrate this in the best ways. I certainly know my life isn't the worst it could be. My parents helped me get through undergrad by taking out loans themselves so I came out of college with less than $20,000 of debt when it could have easily been double that without their help. I'm grateful that they helped me. I have made some great friends throughout my life that have been super supportive. I made it to graduate school to study what I've been working towards since I first set myself on that path in high school. I can tell you a lot of great things about my life. Yet, even if I try to focus on all those positives, I still spiral down. I think on all the great things, and I feel overwhelming guilt that I should stop being a cry baby, buckle down, and get back to work. I know this is how depression can be. I try to just be in the moment and stop focusing on what I have to do and what has happened in the past. This helps a little, but I can only keep that up for a bit before depression just overwhelms me again. I feel at a loss anymore. I've tried all the suggestions that the counselors, doctors, and whoever has offered, but nothing seems to really help anymore. I've kept a gratitude journal for years that I update every day. And yet this black cloud is just there. Maybe it lessens a bit, sometimes it might be so faint it's like it's gone, but it eventually comes back. This time seems worse than ever and I worry it might get worse. I guess in some ways, I'm already starting to accept that it might just always be there. Yet, everyone else keeps telling me if I just do this, that, or other that it will go away. I guess I just hope for someone to acknowledge that maybe I am not just pessimistic and I have realised the reality of my situation, and I am trying my best to make do, but it doesn't always work. I don't even know if this completely makes sense to anyone.
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Getting to the End of my rope
Depression Support / by irime
Last post
 February 20th, 2017
...See more This is one of the most severe bouts of depression I've had since I was younger. When I first got depression, I nearly killed myself within the year. I don't know completely what stopped me from killing myself at the age of about 11, but I held on. I never really told my parents how I was feeling. I quickly learned at school from my bullies that I was just a sniveling "cry-baby" and that it was bad to show my emotions. I vowed to change. I may not have coped the best with my earliest bouts of depression but I got through. But then another one came in high school. I threw myself into my studies to distract myself. I seemed driven and determined to get where I wanted to go, all the while hoping that I would get some serious illness that would kill me within the year. I wasn't so suicidal that time. There's a few more times I got depression. I learned how to cope over the years. I would get good amounts of sleep. I would try to work on my thoughts and try to build my confidence. I didn't really work the way I wanted it to, I still lack a lot of confidence, but it got me through to the other side of the storm. I'm always told I'm too much of a pessimist, but I saw the trend. I'd make it through a bout of depression, only to have a few years (maybe) before it came back. This one lately has been the worst yet. And I feel like none of my usual coping methods are working anymore. I have a lot of personal issues I'm working through. I feel like I'm going through teenage years again being full of angst because I'm finally discovering who I am more completely. But it's not enough. I'm making progress in some parts of my life, but I feel stuck or that the progress is useless. I realise this is partially the depression talking. I'm currently in graduate school working on a doctorate in chemistry and I want to quit every day. I'm not coping well and I know the first year is usually the worst with getting used to the immense pressure of graduate school. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better after this semester, but I don't know if I'll make it to the summer with how things have been. I've been working with a councelor since October or so. I've also been regularly visiting with my primary care doctor as we've worked to adjust medications. One of the recent switches really threw me off and spiraled me into a even worse depression. I've been sort of crawling my way out of that black hole on a different medication, but it's still really dark. Really the switch only made it so my emotions weren't completely overwhelming me, but now I feel so entirely numb I don't want to do anything. This past week I took an exam and didn't study a single minute for it other than getting the homework done for the class sparingly. Usually I would panick and freak out about that. Yet, I feel nothing. I am utterly content that I failed that exam. I know I failed because I couldn't write down anything for 2 and a half of the 5 questions on the exam. I've talked to the professors and they are aware of my depression. They've been working with me, but I know I'm still doing really horribly in the classes. I'm behind in grading for my teaching assistant duties. I try different methods to try to get things done. I sit myself down with my work and tell myself to just work for 5 minutes at most. Just trying to get myself started, but I can't focus anymore. The complex math and chemistry that I have to work on seems foreign and like gibberish. Occassionally, I'll get a little work done, but the productivity does not last long and tasks take significantly longer to do than before. I say it's getting worse because last semester I was able to keep up and get A's in both of my classes that I took as well as to only get slightly behind in grading. Yet this semester, I can't seem to get anything done. I zone out for hours just staring at a wall. I'm really trying hard to fix this. I'm working with my doctor and the councelor is trying all sorts of techniques, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I try, I really do, but I just feel so hopeless anymore. I'm sorry for this really long post. Any advice will be appreciated, but please don't get offended if I don't react positively to your advice. I've read tons and tons of different information about depression all in hopes of getting somewhere and to just feel a little better, but none of it seems to make a difference. I try exercise. I try meditation. I try confidence boosting techniques. I watch my diet. I volunteer at the local animal shelter as much as I can. I try to get as much sleep as I can (sometimes take sleep aids if the sleep deprivation is starting to get really bad). I try, and try, and try. It feels like all the world is telling me I'm not trying hard enough.
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