Getting to the End of my rope

This is one of the most severe bouts of depression I've had since I was younger. When I first got depression, I nearly killed myself within the year. I don't know completely what stopped me from killing myself at the age of about 11, but I held on. I never really told my parents how I was feeling. I quickly learned at school from my bullies that I was just a sniveling "cry-baby" and that it was bad to show my emotions. I vowed to change. I may not have coped the best with my earliest bouts of depression but I got through. But then another one came in high school. I threw myself into my studies to distract myself. I seemed driven and determined to get where I wanted to go, all the while hoping that I would get some serious illness that would kill me within the year. I wasn't so suicidal that time. There's a few more times I got depression. I learned how to cope over the years. I would get good amounts of sleep. I would try to work on my thoughts and try to build my confidence. I didn't really work the way I wanted it to, I still lack a lot of confidence, but it got me through to the other side of the storm. I'm always told I'm too much of a pessimist, but I saw the trend. I'd make it through a bout of depression, only to have a few years (maybe) before it came back.

This one lately has been the worst yet. And I feel like none of my usual coping methods are working anymore. I have a lot of personal issues I'm working through. I feel like I'm going through teenage years again being full of angst because I'm finally discovering who I am more completely. But it's not enough. I'm making progress in some parts of my life, but I feel stuck or that the progress is useless. I realise this is partially the depression talking. I'm currently in graduate school working on a doctorate in chemistry and I want to quit every day. I'm not coping well and I know the first year is usually the worst with getting used to the immense pressure of graduate school. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better after this semester, but I don't know if I'll make it to the summer with how things have been.

I've been working with a councelor since October or so. I've also been regularly visiting with my primary care doctor as we've worked to adjust medications. One of the recent switches really threw me off and spiraled me into a even worse depression. I've been sort of crawling my way out of that black hole on a different medication, but it's still really dark. Really the switch only made it so my emotions weren't completely overwhelming me, but now I feel so entirely numb I don't want to do anything. This past week I took an exam and didn't study a single minute for it other than getting the homework done for the class sparingly. Usually I would panick and freak out about that. Yet, I feel nothing. I am utterly content that I failed that exam. I know I failed because I couldn't write down anything for 2 and a half of the 5 questions on the exam. I've talked to the professors and they are aware of my depression. They've been working with me, but I know I'm still doing really horribly in the classes. I'm behind in grading for my teaching assistant duties. I try different methods to try to get things done. I sit myself down with my work and tell myself to just work for 5 minutes at most. Just trying to get myself started, but I can't focus anymore. The complex math and chemistry that I have to work on seems foreign and like gibberish. Occassionally, I'll get a little work done, but the productivity does not last long and tasks take significantly longer to do than before.

I say it's getting worse because last semester I was able to keep up and get A's in both of my classes that I took as well as to only get slightly behind in grading. Yet this semester, I can't seem to get anything done. I zone out for hours just staring at a wall. I'm really trying hard to fix this. I'm working with my doctor and the councelor is trying all sorts of techniques, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I try, I really do, but I just feel so hopeless anymore.

I'm sorry for this really long post. Any advice will be appreciated, but please don't get offended if I don't react positively to your advice. I've read tons and tons of different information about depression all in hopes of getting somewhere and to just feel a little better, but none of it seems to make a difference. I try exercise. I try meditation. I try confidence boosting techniques. I watch my diet. I volunteer at the local animal shelter as much as I can. I try to get as much sleep as I can (sometimes take sleep aids if the sleep deprivation is starting to get really bad). I try, and try, and try. It feels like all the world is telling me I'm not trying hard enough.