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ishakiki
252 M Embraced 2
PathStep 49 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2022 Member sinceFebruary 21, 2022
Recent forum posts
Crippling Heartache
Trauma Support / by ishakiki
Last post
 April 24th, 2022
...See more My heart is racing and tears are pouring down my face as I write this. I never expected to have a perfect life free from pain but I also never expected to have this much trauma. Around three years ago, shorty after reconnecting with my family, I decided to stop being so antisocial and go hang out and drink with a friend. I didn't expect to be drugged and taken advantage of. I was 20 and so oblivious to what happened that I ignored all the signs. I wasn't really a drinker so I failed to realize that it wasn't normal to be sore after drinking. About a month later I found out I was pregnant. I struggled with my options and emotions for a while. I was so lost and I felt so alone. I decided to continue with my pregnancy and embrace the changes that were happening. I never doubted that I would love my baby and to this day there hasn't been a moment where I ever doubted that. I never will. He is my everything and I cannot imagine life without him. He is the rainbow after the storm. He is my blessed, my reason for living. But I am human and I made a mistake. I had no one to talk to about my feelings as my relationship with family is complicated. So I turned to the internet where I met someone and thought we had a connection. So I gave him my address and shortly after his arrival I realized that I made a horrible mistake. I will never be able to forget him looking at me with crazy eyes and saying, "Do you really think I came all this way to talk?" I was so afraid for my son's safety...I just laid there and let him rape me, with my baby sleeping in the next room. This man gave me STDs and got me pregnant. I realize now that I was fortunate to not remember being raped the first time. I was in the same situation again...but this time I remembered every single minute of it. I remembered everything and I could not imagine bringing another baby into the world like this. I was miserable. And then one night I was in sudden excruciating pain. Now I had to lie to family so that someone would watch my son while I went to the ER. Because I didn't want them to know what I had done, even though I knew something was wrong related to the pregnancy. I was right, the pregnancy was ectopic and I was bleeding internally. Now its a year later, 5am and I'm here crying because I have secrets that I don't want to share but I need to get off my chest. Im crying because I'm afraid that my son will get bullied for not having a dad in his life. Im crying because I don't want him to go searching for his father. I don't know who took advantage of me that night 3 years ago. What if he's rich and takes my baby away from me? What if he's an abuser? Should I lie to my son? I could tell him has father died serving the country, but then I would have to try to live with myself for letting him believe that. Is that a sacrifice that I have to make as a parent? I think it is...my happiness and well-being for his.
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