justFarheen Member Profile

Looking for a Long Term Listener...

General Support / by justFarheen

December 6th, 2023

...See more Hello everyone, not sure if this is the right place to post this. I feel that I really need help with managing my emotions and someone to talk to occasionally for long-term support TW: Abuse, breakups, stress, anxiety. I know it might be too much to ask for, but I just had my first-ever break-up a few days ago... I need help with understanding and evaluating the relationship in an unbiased way. I try to do it myself, but I can't think bad about them, or I'll start blaming them for not being pure with me(?). I feel like a jerk when I do this. Everything seems unclear to me, and it's mainly my fault for not communicating effectively. I was just scared that I might say something wrong and they would leave. My heart is pretty much shattered. We ended on a good note, and still love each other, but had to part ways because of circumstances. Meanwhile, I'm having to cope with academic stress, abuse at home, anxiety and a couple of other things. I don't think I can cope with these emotions alone... my heart isn't strong enough anymore... I am also scared of being judged over the things I will share... If someone would like to help me... I would be really grateful. I promise I will try my best to not be annoying or impossible to deal with. Thank you so much for reading till the end. You are really special and loved :)

Can someone please help distract me right now?

General Support / by justFarheen

August 6th, 2023

Journey to Peace

Journals & Diaries / by justFarheen

February 7th, 2024

...See more 14th September 2022 I don't really like posting in forums... I feel like I would take up space and time when there are other people out there who are going through worse. Also because my brain calls me an attention seeker or an empathy seeker whenever I consider getting support. I just wanted to write a few things here, hoping I could understand what’s going on better. This might be long, you don’t have to read this, my intentions are to just type down everything that’s running around in my head. Things might not even be linked together, or they just might not make sense. Everything just feels crazy. I don't know what to do. I’ve struggled with depression for over a year. But back then I was surrounded by friends and teachers I know and love. Even if they had no clue what was going on, their presence was comforting for me. Now, I'm in a new country, in a new school, surrounded by new people. And I’m struggling with things again, don’t know if it’s depression, but I feel so alone. I have to look okay in front of everyone else, but some days I just can't keep up those smiles and happy tones. When I do feel happy and hopeful, the next day I feel upset and low. It’s like life puts me back in my place. Like I don't deserve those happy moments. Like I’m not supposed to be happy. I’m not complaining though, I don’t ask for happiness, I just want to feel okay. It’s all unstable like I'm in a boat and storms keep coming and going and I’m never going to reach the shore. I get triggered by things, and then I blame myself for it. People might say I go hard on myself, but I don’t deserve the soft side or care. It doesn’t feel right. People being nice to me feels weird and wrong. I’m not the kind of person who’ll do good with care and positive support. I’ve been downgraded and insulted all my life, and I work just fine in that environment. If I do validate myself, and feel happy and content with myself, I feel like I get too ahead of myself, too overconfident. Don’t know if it’s true. Don’t know who I am, honestly. I might be faking my feelings, I might be faking my words without knowing it. I don't know, and it makes me frustrated with myself. I don’t want anything bad for anyone, yet whenever I’m around people I don't know if I’m being myself or I’m forming an image of myself so people could like me. If someone would ever ask me what my personality is like, I won’t know how to answer them, I don't know who I am, and what I’m like. Sometimes I wish there could be someone who could just know what I’m truly like on the inside and let me know so I don't overthink all the time. I invalidate my feelings. I don't feel like they are valid, I know people are out there who are going through worse, and I should be grateful that I’m healthy and okay. We are settling in and so the school I’m going to is still tentative. And I'm entirely dependent on my father to pick and drop me from there. This means I have to request him every day and make sure he agrees. And if he doesn't, I can't go to school that day, since I have no other way. We are new in a country, can’t trust anyone at the moment, I'm underage so I can't drive a car. My parents would never let me go out myself. My dad was busy today and he didn't agree on picking and dropping me so I couldn't go. I missed my chemistry test. I just started A-Levels and I need to take every class. I’m already so behind everyone. And I need to catch up, I feel anxious, like every second going by is wasting my time and I should be studying instead of doing anything else. But when I do sit to study, I feel lost because I don't know where to start, and when I do start something, I get stuck because I don’t understand how to answer it. I don't know who to ask, I can't keep messaging my friends back there, they are busy with their own things, and I don’t want to annoy them. My family also does not cooperate with me, they just can’t let me study in peace. We have over 5 rooms in this house, and there’s not a single room I can study in. There’s no wifi upstairs so I can’t go upstairs unless I sit near the stairs. Which I have been doing but now I’m not allowed to sit there anymore since “it’s too hot there.” Studying downstairs means being called every 5 minutes for something, being criticised over sitting all day and not helping around in the kitchen, or being troubled by sudden visitors, tasks, or calls. It gets frustrating for me, I can’t go to school, I can’t study in peace. I had the same problems earlier too, and I used to do family tasks all day so they don't have any complaints, sleep from 10/11 pm to 12 am on the floor in another room because my alarms disturbed them in the bedroom. And then study all night, so I get good grades because they all had high expectations from me at the same time. I did all that for 6 months straight, only having 1 or 2 hours of sleep, and trying 22 hours to meet their expectations and keep them happy, while I was in a dark place. Yet they didn’t see it, and they still complain and criticise. I don’t think I can repeat that again. I can’t break myself further. It was really hard for me to maintain everything and pull myself together to do well in my IGCSEs. And I still think I got lucky because the thresholds were really low. I don’t really deserve those A*s. I know I got lucky. My family doesn't know that, they’re overjoyed and celebrating. They think I’ve pulled off something amazing and expect the same results in A levels. They’ve even decided on what university I’m going to. They want me to go to the university with the most strict acceptance rate in the country with a scholarship. Students with exemplary grades get accepted only if they pass the super hard entry test. And they expect me to get into the uni with a scholarship. It’s almost laughable. I just want them to be happy because then I can be at peace. They decided on my career choice, they decided on my university, they’ll decide where I’ll work and everything else. And I’ve given up, so I’ll just go with whatever they say because if they are happy, I’m happy. Writing all this down doesn't even make any of it seem like a big deal anymore. I guess it’s okay now. I’ll keep writing here whenever I feel low. It all seemed like bricks in my head weighing me down. I’m sorry for taking up space and your time if you managed to read till here.

Psychosomatic Disorder (?) TW (just in case)

Depression Support / by justFarheen

July 29th, 2022

...See more Hello, I'm not sure if I am posting in the right place. I'm sorry if I'm making a mistake here... I have been struggling with depression for over a year, and I have found a lot of support here on 7Cups, I am very grateful for everyone here. I fell into a dark place at the beginning of this year, and I developed psychosomatic symptoms. I know self-diagnosing isn't reliable, but I tend to get horrible chest pain everytime I get triggered or upset/stressed. The pain remains constant throughout the day/week and I can't do anything but bear with it until it gets better. Sometimes it gets really bad, and I have had a few instances where I had to lay down on the floor wherever I was because I couldn't walk myself to my bedroom. I haven't told anyone about this. I fear my family would make a big deal out of the situation. My parents believe in the mental health stigma, and I'm anxious about their reactions when they find out. So I've been silently bearing with it. My chest pains, it sometimes feels like my heart is bleeding and wet, and sometimes it feels like someone is stabbing me continuously in a loop from the front and back. At times I find it hard to breathe. And other times it feels like my ribcage is crushing my heart. It feels really uncomfortable. I have been trying hard to bear with it. I can't seem to find any way to make the pain go away. I've tried breathing exercises, and distractions, this helps a bit but it still hurts in the background somewhere (if that makes sense). I'm sorry, this is getting long. I just wanted to ask if anyone has had any experiences with something similar, and any suggestions or coping strategies I could do to ease the pain. (It's hurting while I type here rn 😅)

I don’t know anymore…

Student Support / by justFarheen

September 5th, 2022

...See more Hello, I’m currently doing my IGCSEs and I’m having the exams these days. I had my Computer Science exam last week, and it was pretty easy, but I struggled in it, and I don’t think I’ll be scoring too well.. the exam was very easy, the easiest exam Cambridge could ever make, but I messed up in it.. my family has high expectations from me, they expect me to get all A*s or all As in my igcses and they’ve given me 3 career choices to pursue later on: 1) Medical 2) Computer Science or IT 3) Engineering i can’t take medical because I suck at biology, I find it hard to memorise things and I don’t think I can seriously do it at all. I will not pursue engineering because it’s just too much for me to handle, I don’t want to take chemistry next year for A Levels, chemistry is my nightmare and it’s the subject which made me miserable throughout my igcse course. so I thought of taking computer science, I enjoy coding and programming, and so I was okay with it. Until last week, I had my theory exam and I messed up. I’m not really good at anything, I enjoy programming, but I’m not good at it. There was a pre-release for the igcse exam, and we had to answer 3 tasks by ourselves by making codes for each scenario, and I couldn’t do it myself at all. I ended up asking my teacher and he just did the entire thing himself. so I’m not good at programming either, I messed up the theory exam. So that cuts off computer science as well. im the oldest child of the family and I’m expected to grow up and start earning immediately, and I don’t have any objections, it’s just I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. i don’t really have any talents, any strengths, I’m not dedicated, I’m not hard working, I start panicking under pressure and I procrastinate all the time. How am I supposed to fulfill everyone’s expectations when I’m not really good at anything. i enjoy math and physics and well coding, but I’m not good at coding or physics much. Im okay in Math I guess. it’s just because of my mental health my grades went really low this year and I almost failed my math mocks. I managed to bring it up to an A and I am hoping I get an A* in igcses, because the exam went well for me. But I also feel like I was over-confident. i don’t know whether I’m overthinking all of this or not. i know I’m young right now and I have a long way to go to decide what I’m going to do. But at the stage I’m in, I’m expected to have at least a vague idea on what I’m going to, since I have to choose 4 subjects next year for A levels. And then base my career on that. And I seriously have no idea what I’m going to do. after last week, I certainly cannot take computer science because I won’t be able to do it. i also don’t even know what job I’m going to do if I take computer science, i asked my parents if I could be a computer programmer, and they said no, it’s not a job with a high earning salary. So I don’t know any jobs I could do if I choose computer science. And then I don’t think I can choose computer science as well. Since I’ve figured It’s just not for me.

What do I do..?

Depression Support / by justFarheen

March 12th, 2022

...See more I’m having a hard time with everything for months now.. I’ve considered going to my school counsellor.. but I don’t know how would that help me? What if they say they can’t do much and instead contact my parents and tell me to speak to a professional? I understand that even if they say that, they would be intending the best for me.. but I don’t want them to make a big deal about it.. or things to escalate. I don’t want to raise a concern. I don’t want my parents to know.. They think I’m alright and nothing’s wrong and I want to keep it that way. I’m not comfortable with them finding out since my dad’s abusive and my mom has a lot of worries, problems and responsibilities on her shoulders. To the school counsellor I’ll just be a student who’s having suicidal thoughts and that’s just enough information for them to make this a big deal and contact my parents. I could avoid giving that information to them, but everything is connected… I keep delaying it, I'm scared of going there. I see the counsellor everyday in the corridor at school, but I hesitate to approach her and she just ends up walking away. I don't have the confidence to do this. I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to about how I feel other than here in 7Cups. I told a friend a bit about what I am going through and she hasn't talked to me since. I guess she's just not comfortable with these kinds of topics (?) Im not sure. But she was the only person I thought I could talk to. She said it herself. She's said she's here to listen whenever I need to talk. I told her I was having dark thoughts and she just left me on seen. It's best if I don't talk to her about any of this anymore, I don't want to lose our friendship. We've been friends for 12 years now. I probably sound like an attention seeker or selfish, it hurts to know that there isn't anyone there for me, when I was there for so many... I guess that's just how things are. People have always used me, and threw me away once they got what they wanted. I don't know what to do anymore. It feels pointless to even try. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of saying that I'm tired. I'm tired of being so weak. I hate feeling this way. I was never like this. I was one of the most talkative and bubbliest person in class. And now, I don't say a thing. And no one bothers to talk to me too, so I just mind my own business and stay there while my thoughts give me company. I don't know how long I can hold on. I’m sorry I sound so messed up

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