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How to comfort a guy who doesn't talk about his feelings much? I'm worried for him.

Relationship Stress / by kannaffordthis

March 20th, 2024

...See more My fiance is everything I want in a man; mature, patient, and understanding. He gives me guidance and reassurance while I'm still struggling to navigate through life. The thing is, throughout our 3 years relationship, he doesn't open up much, even to the simplest of feelings. For example: "You sound tired, did something happen at work?" "Yeah, pretty much, but it's the usual." "Are you okay?" "Why wouldn't I be?" Which is how the conversation would always go, and I have to really pull it out from him for my fiance to finally tell me that there's someone he didn't get along with at work who kept bothering him and it took a mental toll on him. These kind of things made me hyper-aware of his mannerisms, because I can't just keep questioning him which makes him uncomfortable (like I said, he's not used to opening up), but I don't know how to help him if I don't know what was the root of the problem. He also tends to shove his feelings away and ignore it, and then act like everything's okay. I can't figure him out unless I keep barraging him with questions until he relents after the conversation turns a bit heated, thankfully we have never fought or yell at each other during arguments, but it's still mentally taxing for the both of us whenever we argue still. Just a few hours ago he told me he quit his job and I can tell he's stressed about it even if he laughs and speaks in a cheerful voice. We are currently long distance, so I can't come to him and hug him or comfort him the way I wanted to. So for now I just give him reassuring words and not questioning him like I usually would, but I can't help feeling that it might not be enough. This is probably my anxiety speaking, but there's this underlying feeling where he could say he's happy and then one day he couldn't handle life anymore (a what if scenario). I'm scared that if I don't know how he truly feels, I'd fail him. I'm thinking this way because he had a difficult life and he had seen his friends and family take their own life, and I'm scared he's going to go down that path. Even if he had a history of depression, it's hard for me to tell if he has a depression now. I really don't know what to do. I can't be negative and anxious all the time because I know it wouldn't improve his situation. What can I do to help him?

I just blocked and cut off my dad, but now I feel depressed. Let's see if writing it down clears my head.

Family & Caregivers / by kannaffordthis

December 6th, 2023

...See more My dad isn't the best parent and I'm tired of getting lied to. Let's just start with that. As the title suggests, I've made the decision to completely cut off my dad, literally about 4 hours ago. But as a result, I'm in a state of confusion and sadness. I'd like to see if posting here would help me figure my feelings out. I need to apologize in advance since this'll be a pretty long post. You can skip the backstory part if that's what you prefer. [SOME BACKSTORY] Now, my dad isn't abusive in anyway, but he's been an absent father my whole life. He used to work for a company that requires him to travel far from the town we live in, and besides being an absent father, he's a cheating ***. He would call or text me a couple of times a year just to check on me, and he still sends some money since we depended on him financially. Ever since the day he left for work when I was 8, I never saw him until when I was in 5th grade where he only stayed for a day and then I never saw him again until I was in college before he went back to his home with his mistress. The last time I met him was during COVID where I had to stay with him and the mistress for 6 months, more or less. They both treated me well and took care of me, but I know for sure he was just trying to make up for those lost years. He's old, frail and sickly, and that's usually the age parents started to wonder why their kids don't want to be around them. He tried but it was too late since I've grown to only care for his money and nothing else. It got to the point where I told my closest friends I won't even give a damn if he dies since he'll be useless for me by then. I know I'm a bad person to think that way, but I can't help it if I'm simply being honest. My dad has a record of lying to me and giving empty promises. During my earliest semesters, I had to live by myself and I had barely any money to feed myself for a month. I don't know why younger me didn't think of getting a job, but the money sent by my dad was my only source of funds. I was depressed and starving back then, I remember I had to live in a house full of garbage bags, cat poop, maggots and cockroaches in a poor house condition where almost everything was broken. Whenever I asked him if he could send more, he would reassure me that hopefully his business ventures would be successful so he could send more. I found out during my time when I was staying with him that he was actually got scammed by his ex-business partner and lost most of his money. But instead of being transparent to me, he'd just give me empty promises while I was literally starving and my will to live was hanging by a thread. It's been 4 years since then and I am in a better place now. I thought I've made peace with my imperfect childhood and roller coaster of a life. My dad and I even talked through calls every other day now, which is what younger me could only dream of. I kept the conversations short and curt, but it's better than nothing. [END OF BACKSTORY] So I'm currently in the process of dropping out of university but the process takes sooo long. Yesterday I contacted the uni asking about the progress in which the conversation led to me finding out a refund has been sent to my dad's bank account. It was quite the large amount of money and was sent about a month ago. I quickly messaged my dad and confronted him about it, and he admitted that my uni did send the money but he already used it because he really needed it at the time, he then apologized for not telling me beforehand. You see, I'm quite a forgiving person and tend to give second chances, but then something in me snapped and I just decided that I've had enough. I told him he should've told me if it's something that important, especially when he kept telling me he's short on money and can only send a little, which I was okay with and even reassured him that I'd be very frugal so he doesn't need to send more than what was necessary. To think that he'd lie to my face when I would sacrifice my well-being for his elderly ***. It's not even about the money, it's about breaking MY trust. I finally told him I hate liars and that he's lost my trust completely. I will not tolerate anymore lies and don't wanna have anything to do with him anymore. I blocked him and told both my mother and fiance that I've cut off my dad and from this day onward I won't have a dad anymore. But now I'm tormented inside. I'd tear up whenever I think of the sentence "I cut off my dad from my life". It's like the kind, loving side of me that I grew up with is fighting with my wise, mature self that I recently acquired in my 20's. I'm thankful for the people I kept in my life. My mother was being very understanding and respected my decision, she then wished my heart some peace. While my fiance kept giving me his support and made sure that I have a shoulder to cry on. In fact, after writing this and re-reading the post, I've come to realize that I think the decision I've made is quite difficult and heavy, but necessary. My feelings have cleared, I've accepted that I was doing the right thing. This isn't something that can be fixed even if my dad sent me the money. He's dead to me and I have zero regrets. I used to think that people were being dramatic when they say such things, but today I understand the feeling. If you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read. I feel much better now.

"The effects of sheltering a kid too much" - by a sheltered kid

Family & Caregivers / by kannaffordthis

August 25th, 2023

...See more I was raised in quite a sheltered household. I can't go anywhere without permission, I would have to choose the career path set by my family because they just wanted what's best for me. They put importance on education, which it is, but it got to the point where I put my self worth on numbers on a piece of paper. You know what that did to me? The moment I gained somewhat of a freedom, a little bit of bravery to stand up for myself, I got treated like a black sheep. I became "rebellious" in my teen years. They took it as me acting out when all I did was speak my mind and opinions about things and call out my family's wrongdoings. I've dropped out of college 3 times, why? Because the career they wanted for me was not for me. I wanted to pursue my passion but lacked the courage to make a concrete decision. I became an emotionally stunted adult with little knowledge of actual useful life or social skills to get me through everyday life. My parents never taught me how to wash my own laundry, cook, how to talk to people, how to clean... I was a mess once I started to live on my own and often become the butt of the joke in social settings. I remember when a family visited our house and they mocked me for not offering them any drinks or snacks, gave me the side eyes and said that I don't know proper etiquette. I didn't know, my parents never tell me the most basic things like this. I had to learn everything the hard way. So now that I am in my 20's, I decided to drop out of college and move out to start working. I'm saving up so I can start a small business on the side. I taught myself the importance of budgeting, financial literacy, how to socialize properly with people, I can even cook for myself now. My family can't understand why I won't come home. I am at peace knowing that I am able to do the things my family failed to teach me when I was young. I put my happiness and well-being first and despite the struggles of living paycheck to paycheck or eating instant ramen for 2 weeks, I am free. Providing for your children is your responsibility, but please, I implore you to let them learn on their own. Let them know that actions have consequences, teach them to be self sufficient and responsible. That's what you're raising them for.

I set my older sister as an example of what not to do as a parent

Relationship Stress / by kannaffordthis

August 23rd, 2023

...See more So I have an older half sister who is 20 years older than me. I admire her as an independent, hard working woman in the big city, but what I don't like is the stubborn, perfectionist and controlling attitude she has towards me, the youngest. If I try to express my complaints towards her, she wouldn't back down because things should always go her way. If I did something bad, I would hesitate to tell her because I know for sure she's gonna blow up in my face, which is usually what happens. I remember when I told her I was feeling depressed and how I was suicidal once, she told me that it's stupid and that I should've been stronger mentally. When I tell her I my boyfriend of 2 years had proposed to me, she told me about guys who she thinks are a better fit for me. She would often wonder why I never talk to her openly about things... THAT'S why 🤷‍♀️ Honestly, I think there's a reason why at her age she is still single and childless. Yes, I say it as an insult because she actually wants to be married and have kids, but unable to due to her personality. But I'd pity whoever becomes her child since I can't even deal with her as a younger sister. She's very religious too so I'd say it's a divine intervention :p But with that experience, I get the picture of what having a strict parent who set high expectations on you looks like. Even as an adult, I too would rebel against those kinda parents until I remember that I'm not a teenager nor her child 😂 When I have kids one day, I will make sure I don't become someone like her.

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