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kindTurtle3738
45,721 M Crossing Mileposts 6
PathStep 85 Compassion hearts4,272 Forum posts235 Forum upvotes319 Current upvotes319 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 22, 2020
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Recent forum posts
Dbt group tonight
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 January 16th, 2023
...See more @Starlitsky4762 is back and hosting a group tonite discussing DBT core mindfulness skills. Group is at 9pm EDT. I hope to see many of you there.
My mom manipulated our love and encouraged hatred for our dad
Trauma Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 November 9th, 2022
...See more For most of my life I didn't put much thought into the traumas or hurt I grew up trying to hide from. A family that, even in my adult life, I would never escape. They loved drama. I was a peacemaker. I failed to understand how the constant conflict was worsening my depression and anxiety. Even how I perceived things were becoming more negative. She spread her paranoia and always was saying we can't trust anyone. My mom encouraged hatred for our dad. I witnessed how she turned into an almost different person , full of hate and rage, as she would curse my dad. She would later manipulate the truth and the rest of the family would feel so sorry for poor fragile mother!! She stoked their hatred and she kept them drowning in it. I was beginning to see a wicked side to my mom so I started visiting less. I was witnessing my dad steadily becoming a better man. The ups and downs I felt towards him. I hate him like I did in the past and then see reasons to love him. It took time. Some walls stayed up but I finally did forgive what he did. The monster I hated for decades was once a victim too. I was getting deeper into the rabbit hole as I was still not allowing myself to feel or think of the loved ones who had passed, my 2 homes natural disasters destroyed, trauma that caused disabilities etc... Things were about to get unbearable when, last year, my dad died of a gunshot wound to his chest. Immediately after he died my mom and sister started focusing on keeping all the inheritance. They then illegally took out home and made me and my sons homeless. Their evil greed was all that mattered. Even with 4 vacant houses, they never felt guilt for causing the 10 month long fear and hopelessness of being without shelter, electricity or running water . So many hard nights. I now had time to think about my mom and the uncomfortable feelings she triggered years ago..... Most of my abuse, she had instigated.. She just watched as I disappeared... My emptiness was replaced with extreme anxiety and hate and self destruction . She had more fault than my dad . At least he tried to make amends. My son's and I loved him. My mom I once thought was the best was my worst nightmare. I never saw all this coming!! I hope I can forgive them one day. It's all too fresh right now. I sure wish that ignoring our feelings would eventually make them vanish from existence. Actually the opposite is true... Ignored feelings intensify and grow. Even can be explosive... I'm about to take a scary step and start therapy. I'm looking for a couple of safety nets in case i have overwhelming days. I want to survive for my son's and to show my mom and sister that they couldn't destroy me... I want to start it off with no expectations.
Desperately Seeking Suggestions
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 November 4th, 2022
...See more TRIGGER WARNINGS: self harm, grief, loss, physical attack Two years ago I couldn't have comprehended how much worse things would get. Two years ago I made self harm act....I was on life support a week and still wonder, did I really survive??? I had given up after losing my brothers, friends, home to flood, my business to my health. Even both my dogs passed in the same 3 years. Then after I was severely injured from being attacked, I did give up. 15% chance of survival, but the critical care staff refused to let me die.....and I truly tried to live and give again. I hardly caught my breath before tragedy struck. My dad died of a gunshot to his chest. Was ruled self inflicted. I'll leave it at that. My sister then got the control she always sought. For a year now, she's kept my mom from me. I tried to see her once(living w sister since dad's death) and wS arrested for trespassing!!!. I talked to my mom one time in July and was told my sister threatened to stop helping her if she had anything to do with me!!!! My mom and I cried but that was it. I've been homeless since December. Paid a mortgage 24 years and I'm homeless! My sister convinced our mom to put 4 homes and properties in her name. Believing she would be fair, my mom did that soon after our dads death.( they Had him cremated without giving me the chance to say goodbye). My sister then had me and sons evicted from our home that was once my brothers. I invested money and repaired it after flood(his had far less damage).sold all our belongings,trashed the sentimental things. Things my brothers, Grandmother, dad, friends, my son's all gave me. Made me. Things I collected. Cherished. Gone. I'm disabled now. The attack and my suicide attempt both caused damage. Stress is blamed for so much too. I can rarely write about this. I have to be in a certain mood.. I can NEVER speak about it. I get so overwhelmed I feel I'll explode. I feel hopeless about making new friends, cause w BPD, it rarely happens. Never see my sons cause of homelessness. We do talk , text, chat. When I'm at my lowest, I don't know what to do anymore. Hotlines ask what would you like to talk about, chat about, text about?! Then the questions....I can never do it. My anxiety goes straight to 10. How am I feeling? I can't allow those either. My mind goes straight to wanting the pain to stop! My doctor appointed A RN and social worker who call me and have helped get through last few months...w physical needs, but at a loss about the rest. Transportation, expenses are issues now....I'm Starting completely over but in poor health this time. When I "feel" , I go from zero to overwhelming in seconds. Any suggestions ???? ...... Relaxation meditation etc do the opposite of calming me. So far, only distractions help but I can't constantly do that. Desperately Seeking Suggestions.,..........................
My Shadow
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 October 16th, 2022
...See more I've never been prone to violence. At all costs I will lie low. But one fight I can't resist, Is a fight with my own shadow. Of all the traits within myself I'd rather never face. I assign those to my Shadow, So in me you won't see a trace. It's much like being in denial. I only keep the traits I like. And if my Shadow follows me, I simply flick on every light. So if I no longer see my Shadow, do those unwanted traits cease too? I suppose all that really matters is what I believe to be the truth!!!
Too overwhelmed to even think about anything
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 December 1st, 2022
...See more I got to a point that I try to talk or chat in groups or with listener and I can't do it. Things got far more than I can handle.. I really can't cope so I just block any thoughts. Sometimes I try to force myself but I can't focus on just a few problems at a time. . I'm all over the place so I just give up trying. I would think things can't get worse but they did. Over and over until there's too little left. I worked hard all my life to be without friends, family, home, health , work. It's not that I'm stuck. What's the point of getting unstuck?
How much more do I have to deal with?
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 April 30th, 2022
...See more Im so tired and the depression I feel made the other feel like vacation. Just what is already in my mind is too overwhelming that I never let my thoughts focus on any one of the terrible losses. Now after my losing dad to a gunshot, what little I had was stoleb by family. Im terminal and its started to turn into anger. Im. Stuck
I can't get up again. No trick or distraction will make me im down for the count
Trauma Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 January 11th, 2022
...See more
How bpd can also be a blessing
Personality Disorders Support / by kindTurtle3738
Last post
 April 20th, 2022
...See more * I would read articles about pwBpd in Quora, and it made me feel like I was a member of the most hated group In the history of mental illness . That’s not all we are. We are empaths. We don’t just destroy! We build, too. Considering the intense pain that we feel when we experience emotions, most of us are sympathetic listeners to pwout bpd who are in pain. We know what to say to help them feel better. We can adjust our personality so we connect with others and make it easier for them to open up to us. Many of us are also empaths. We are the shoulder that the world can cry on. Despite our deep pain, we can carry you too!! One amazing ability is knowing what others are feeling, or if they are holding back. I can see a change in a persons emotions that, even when they use their best efforts to hide it , It is still obvious to me. We can share the load of their sorrow, too. Even though many of us were so damaged before we were out of our toddler years, we are still strong. We adapted and survived. We even thrived. Of course that could cause significant problems in adulthood, so it’s wise to learn dbt skills. That would enable us to use the gift of heightened empathy to help others. We can lessen their pain if we are also gifted with the ability to feel and hold some of their pain. Even with the intense pain that is part of bpd, I can tolerate it as long as it allows me to ease others pain.
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After a stint at corporate finance, my lived experiences and interest in people...
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