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kkirik
121 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceFebruary 19, 2021
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I love my mom, but I really want to leave her
Family & Caregivers / by kkirik
Last post
 February 21st, 2021
...See more My mom gave birth to me at 19, at that time she moved to America and gave me to her aunt to take care of me. The aunt wasn’t that nice at all, all of my 4 years with her she always claimed that I was sick to gain more money from my mom. However, as a 4 year old kid, I saw my aunt’s mom as my mom. All her kids called her as their mother so I did also thinking I was one of them. Until, the day my real mother came back and took me away from them when I was 5 and a half. They never explained at what was happening all I knew was that she kept saying she was my mother. So the only thing I’ve thought was that her aunt (aka “mom”) gave me away because she didn’t love me anymore. I was really sad that I’d cry every night, because I blamed myself that I was such a bad child to the point she gave me to a random lady. But I got over that once I turned 7 because my grandma told me what actually happened; but when I got to America my mom didn’t take care of me either. It was my grandparents and her sister in law. They were family to me, while my mom went to get secretly married to guy who needed papers to not get deported and left me. I knew who that guy was and I hated him, I told my mom so many times how much I didn’t want him as my dad because he gives off bad vibes, and she never listened because she chose him over me. She had a life of her own with her husband, and her new child, until I turned the age 13. She thought I was old enough to be able to take care of her child since she has work. I felt like I was getting used. I didn’t have a dad nor a mom growing up, and I wanted one because ever since I went to school I was jealous and embarrassed for not having one. Yet all those years I’ve been through I still said yes, because I wanted a mom. But through these years it has been a pain, she always says she will be here for me but when I need her the most she isn’t even when she’s right in the living room while her husband is in my room trying to convince me to see him as a fatherly figure yet still tends to touch me, it wasn’t anything as bad but I didn’t like his hugs, nor was his kisses on my cheeks or him caressing my leg to make me feel better. I told my mom about it and she said “he just wants to be a dad to you,”. I tried to believe but I got even more scared. Sometimes he would come into my room randomly just to stare at me (which by the way he’s an alcoholic), and then it happened a second time where my mom wasn’t home and she was at work while I babysat my brother. He was also supposed to be at work, but he came early than usual. The first thing he did was come inside my room (I always had my doors locked but at that time it would always be opened so if my brother needed anything), he began to tell me how much he wants to be a dad and do the same thing, except at that time he kept rubbing his pants onto my feet as I felt him get harder. I felt so disgusted. I called my grandparents about it and unable to speak. I was so terrified, and my mom said the same thing “he just wants to be a dad for you”. Yet I still came back, because he’s an alcoholic and I’m scared he might do something to my mom. After that, he hated me because I somehow made him look like a bad person. I get so scared to unlock my doors and just go outside, because I’m scared he’s going to do something. It’s so hard living here where I can’t even eat properly, because the last time I tried making food for myself he tried throwing a remote at me for having bad behaviors by closing the cabinets to loudly. I was so scared because that was the first time he tried to hit me. Not only am I not allowed to make food in front of me, but I’m also not allowed to drink water. My mom didn’t do anything about but buy me a bunch water bottles to keep in my room. Ever since, I would just cry because I could never grow the courage to stand up and tell my mom I didn’t want to live with her, because deep down I know she’s also afraid of him. However it all changed when the had this huge fight around september. He was really drunk and he thought it would be funny to throw his piss at her as she showers, my mom had enough of it and we left to start a new life, until he tried asking for forgiveness and forgave him, and now she’s asking for permission if I wanted to go back. I said no, I really didn’t want to, but we were already having financial problems, and she really needed me just to take care of her child while she’s away at work. At this point I knew shes just trying to make excuses to refrain her from saying “I choose him over you and your silly problems”. I don’t know what to do, I’m back here at this small apartment and I just want to live a normal teenage life without being so afraid, I just want to leave, but where will I go?
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